In the Cards(82)

I look for Lindsey to show her, but she’s vanished.

I sit up, gasping. The bedroom’s still dim, so I turn on a lamp and shake my head. I don’t often remember my dreams, but this one’s so graphic and unusual, I’m uneasy.

I glimpse the unopened letter on the nightstand. Hesitantly, I pick it up and slide my finger along the seal, ripping it open.

Dear Levi,

You trusted me in your home and as a friend. I abused that gift with my inexcusable invasion of privacy. There’s no justification for what I did. I’m ashamed and more sorry than I can say. Please believe I never intended to hurt or betray you. My desperation to know more about you got the better of me.

Now I’ve proven your parents right, which is ironic because I wanted so much to be the person to prove them wrong.

I pray my mistake doesn’t make you retreat from reaching out to others, or refrain from experiencing real friendships and love. Despite what you’ve been taught, and how you view yourself, you deserve love in your life and are strong enough to withstand the occasional disappointments and bumps along the road.

I hope, eventually, you’ll forgive me. You’re important to me. You’ve helped me discover things about myself I might not have otherwise learned, and I’ll always be grateful.

If you shut me out, I’ll miss you. Whether or not you believe me, I am your friend.

Love,

Lindsey

I read her letter twice more. I’m important to her. She’s my friend. I deserve love. She’ll miss me. Love, Lindsey. Love. I crush the letter against my chest and stare at the ceiling.

I’ve missed her so much since her damn birthday dinner. I don’t want her to disappear from my world like she did in my dream, even if I can’t trust her not to spy on me or take off to New York.

The truth is, I’m set up for pain whether I let go now or she walks away later. But with the second option, there’s no pain now, and maybe, none later.

Mama really screwed me up worse than Pop. He tainted my thinking, but Mama killed part of my heart. Maybe I should confront her, if for no other reason than to finally look her in the eye and make her face me.

I’m curious to know how she started a new life—one without me—but I’ve been afraid of the answers. Damn, I liked it better when I didn’t know where, or if, she lived. Now that Pop’s thrown her whereabouts in my lap, it’s harder to ignore my innermost fears.

All of these years, I’d convinced myself I controlled my destiny and feared nothing. In fact, I’ve allowed fear to dictate most of my decisions. My fear of loss, rejection, and failure has kept me apart from others.

Lindsey’s parents may assert too much control over her life, but at least they didn’t destroy her ability to believe in people. If I conquer the fear of hearing Mama’s story, perhaps I can learn to embrace the way Lindsey’s changing my outlook.

Would Lindsey come with me?



Lindsey

After a failed attempt at studying this morning, I decide to lounge on my couch and watch Downton Abbey on Netflix. I’m inhaling a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia like my life depends on it when I see Levi approaching my back door.

I hadn’t expected him.

Anchored in place from shock, I wave him in without getting up. The remaining evidence of my pity party melts slowly in the container on the table in front of me.

“Hi.” It’s all I can say while my heart is in my throat.

“Got your note.” He holds up the paper before tossing it on the table.

I sit forward. My hands grasp the edges of the seat cushion. I can’t take my eyes off him, but I can’t read his thoughts, either.

“Can you forgive me?” I hold my breath, wincing in anticipation of his reply.

He seats himself at the other end of the L-shaped sofa.

“For which, snooping or lying?” His face reveals no emotion. He’s scrutinizing me, evaluating my behavior and responses.

“Both, Levi. Honestly, from the moment I read the note, I’ve been so sorry. I was too afraid to confess, so I questioned you in the hospital instead. Once you told me the truth, I figured the letter didn’t matter anymore. I’m not justifying the lie, but I was worried about your recovery. You were so sick with that infection. I couldn’t risk being pushed away, not when you needed me most.”

Levi stands and begins pacing around the room. I assume he’s debating my remarks, but his tension seems to be emanating from something more. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he feared something. I wait without speaking. To press will only send him scampering. I take reconciliations with family and friends for granted, but this is new for him. Be patient.