Imperfect Truth(65)
“No, Dr. Singer it wasn't like that. You don’t understand.”
“No Ava, I do.”
“I just wish he cared about what he did to me. I wish it affected him…I wish…I wish, I don’t know, that he would change—”
“He will never change. People don’t often change. The only variable that can change is you.”
“But I don’t understand why? What was the point?”
“It was always about him. His insecurities are so great that he wants to see just how much and just how far he can push, how much someone can take, and once he gets to that limit and sees his desired results…he drops them.”
“Oh my God, he’s a sociopath?”
“The term is actually Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He might seem like he is just arrogant, but he isn’t. He believes he is better than everyone else, but in reality he has such little self-esteem that he cannot handle criticism. Belittling others is his attempt to prove his own self-worth. He has no empathy. None, Ava.”
“So he never cared?” I know I’m repeating myself, but I just can’t fathom the definition and truth.
“He manipulated the situation so that you felt like you were getting closer to him, that you were important. But Ava, you will never be allowed in. You never had a hope of it.” She stops talking to collect her thoughts. “They play the game simply to entertain themselves for their enjoyment. That is all you will ever be to a narcissist. In the end this is just because they are trying to convince the world, but most importantly themselves, just how important they are. In the end, you mirrored his insecurities. He will never be able to fix himself, so he chose to cut you down, to use your downfall to validate himself.”
She locks eyes with me, her words boring into me. “He will never be able to fix himself, but you can fix you.”
Hearing her words, it finally starts to really sink in. I never mattered. God what is the depth of his depravity? What have I done? What have I given up? How can I ever move on?
“How could I ever forgive myself for throwing my life away?”
“Ava, the road to forgiving yourself is the hardest journey to take.”
As I’m making my way out the large mahogany door, Dr. Singer calls out to me with one last parting statement. “Ava…I have a challenge for you.”
I turn to meet her gaze. The way she says this intrigues me and draws me in. I become transfixed by what she is about to say.
“I challenge you to own every one of your flaws. I challenge you to have the courage to expose yourself to things you cannot change. We grow and learn from our mistakes, and I challenge you to embrace them, and most of all I challenge you to show that you are…imperfect. Admit and embrace that you are not perfect…now that Ava, that takes courage.”
Me: I’m not ready to talk yet, but…
Alexandre: But?
Me: Maybe soon.
Alexandre: I’ll be here waiting.
Me: I think I’m finally getting it….
Alexandre: Getting what?
Alexandre: What do you get?
I type slowly making sure that I choose my words carefully.
Me: Why this happened. I think I finally understand why I did it.
Me: This was always about me, and I’m finally seeing that, and I’m finally really making progress.
Alexandre: I’m here when you’re ready…and always will be.
Me: Thank you, Alex.
I’m not sure what the future will bring, and I’m not sure if it’s fair for me to hope for absolution…or if I even deserve it.
But I will hope for it nonetheless.
Two months later…
AS MY SESSIONS with Dr. Singer pass, so does the season.
The weeks become months. They blend together and what was once a beautiful cool night in the city, is now sweltering. An evening escape to my park becomes habitual to me in the months after my trip to the hospital. At first only once a week, now it’s a nightly occurrence. I need the space. I used to escape here to leave my gilded cage, now it’s just to breathe in the air without feeling suffocated in my lonely apartment. These moments are welcome. This brings me peace, and I find a temporary clarity.
I hear the sound of a throat clearing. Turning to see who is behind me, I see Alexandre. He looks so young, so innocent and sad. It shredded my heart that I pushed him away. No matter what I said to him, I did love him, I was just so broken before I didn’t know how to love him and still be me.
“I stopped by the apartment. Raymond told me you had gone for a walk.”
“So you came here?” I ask, peering up at him.
“Of course, this is your place.” The fact that he knows this warms my heart and makes me…swoon.