Imperfect Truth(60)

As the doctor walks out, the nurse from earlier that day wheels in a food tray. As she rolls the cart, a high-pitched noise squeaks from the wheels, it sounds like the effects of rust collecting over the years. Although I’m now allowed to eat, my throat feels like it would rip to shreds if I consumed anything. The oatmeal is bitter, and the coarse texture turns my stomach. I’m not sure how long it has been since they emptied my stomach, but the burn it has left in its wake resonates through my whole body as I place the spoon down and give up. I turn my attention to the windowpane. Although it is still morning, outside the window the skies are black. It’s as if night has fallen on the city. I can barely keep my eyes open, and I wonder just how long I was out.

My lids feel heavy again. It must be the after effect of the drugs that had coursed through my body. I shut my eyes to give them a rest. All around me is silence, the only sound coming from the hum of the lights, dimly lighting my room. I’m partially paralyzed from my emotions. I feel broken and beaten, but most of all I feel foolish. My stubborn nature had not allowed me to see the signs so clearly placed in front of me. In hindsight, Ryder had dropped breadcrumbs for me, but like he so eloquently stated, “We only hear what we want to hear.” I was so desperate for attention; I turned my head from the obvious. Instead choosing to secure it firmly in the sand.

The day passes with no other incidents or visitors. I’m deemed “not at risk” and no longer have to be watched around the clock, a huge weight lifted off my chest. I know in the bottom of my heart that this was not intentional. I just wanted the noise of all my problems to stop. One moment of peace, not a lifetime. However, what was evident was that there would be no more medicating for me.



WAKING UP EARLY the next day, the only thoughts that run through my head is how eager I am to leave. After getting my clearance from Dr. Brown, he strongly recommended I speak with someone about the issues he had pulled from me in our discussion. In my hand was the card of a psychiatrist he recommended.

I’m discharged much later in the day. Jules insists that she is going to come pick me up. I try to tell her no. I try to tell her that I need to do this on my own. I need to stand on my own two feet for once. But she just isn’t having it.

As we exit the hospital, I hail a cab. This is extremely hard to do; my body is weak and feels beat up. As I step into the back seat, I take no notice of my surroundings. My emotions have taken over completely. I’m blind to the world around me. A shell of what I once was. Minutes pass, and I hear a soft whimper from beside me.

“Jules, why are you crying?"

“When you love someone their pain becomes your pain.” The sorrow from her words hovers over me like a storm cloud…I wait for the impending rain as her whimpers become harder and faster.

“Shh Jules, I’m okay, or at least I will be.” I try to comfort my friend. She laughs softly. “Aren’t I the one who is supposed to make you feel better?”

“I’m fine,” I emphatically say, my tone coming out more forceful than I had intended.

“You sure you’re okay enough to be alone? I’m not going to sugar coat things, you sound like a dying frog. Do you want me to come over?” she asks. Normally I would come up with a witty retort, but I’m too exhausted to play this game.

“No. Just have the cab drop me off and continue to your apartment.”

“Let me be there for you; let me hold you up.”

“I love you, Jules, but I can’t have you be my crutch. I need to do this alone.”

“But you’re not alone,” she insists.

“I know, I know you’re always there. But I truly feel that in order to heal I need to do some soul searching.”

“Okay, I understand. So now what?”

“I don’t want to be like this anymore.” The words sound defeated as they leave my lips.

“What does that mean?” I can hear how nervous she is as she speaks. It shatters my heart.

“I told Alex to leave, and tomorrow I’ve got an appointment with the shrink the hospital recommended.”

“I think that’s really smart. Are you going to talk to Alex?” I can hear the compassion in her voice.

“Not yet.”

“You should have seen him, Av. It was horrific. I was at the hospital before you woke up. I’ve never seen him look so scared. Ava.” She pauses finding her words. “Ava, he was openly crying.” We both know how much that means. In the years we have known each other, I have never seen him cry. Knowing this shreds my heart. The cab pulls up to my apartment building. Opening the door, I turn back around and smile softly to her.