If You Fight(9)

"I don't need a kitten. I miss human contact with other people, Daddy. That's why I came down to see you tonight."

"Human contact? Perhaps it's time I had your sister come to stay for a few days. It could be nice for the two of you to spend some time together. I think she told me that husband of hers was out of town on business this week when I spoke to her the other day, so it could be good for both of you."

Having my sister under foot was exactly what I didn't want. She had only called me once after my father told her what happened, and that phone call had consisted entirely of her bragging about how she and her husband would be taking a vacation to Jamaica once he returned from his business trip and not even once asking if I needed anything or how I felt. I'd lived with her narcissism growing up. I didn't want to deal with any more of it now.

"Oh no, I don't know if I'm up to that. Janelle has a very busy life of her own too, so I doubt she'd want to sit around with me for a few days. She has to get ready for that vacation Charles is taking her on when he gets back."

My father nodded. Apparently, he'd heard chapter and verse about her oh so wonderful vacation too.

"That's right. They're spending two weeks in Jamaica at the end of the month. Well, there has to be something we can get you to keep you occupied until you're one hundred percent again."

He tapped his fingertips off his desktop as he thought about what possible entertainment he could find for me, but all I wanted to do was spend some time alone with the person who still stood silently near the door. I didn't dare look over at Ryder, but I felt his stare on me whenever my father wasn't looking. 

"What about if I helped you around your office here? I could file things away for you and little jobs like that," I suggested, knowing he would dismiss the very idea out of hand.

Quickly, he shook his head. "No, I don't want you working for me like a secretary. I do my own filing. Plus, this is where I conduct business, and you don't want to be involved in that."

No, I didn't, but if it meant I'd get to at least spend time near Ryder and possibly have the chance to speak a few words to him each day, then I'd do menial jobs around my father's office. Anything to be close to him.

"I just want to not be alone, Daddy," I said, admitting what was brutally true on more levels than he understood.

A flash of sadness passed over his face for a moment, and he looked over toward his office door. "Ryder, leave us. I'll call you when I need you."

My heart sank, and I turned to see the only soul I wanted to truly speak to silently walk out, leaving me with a man who'd married me to the monster who'd tried to kill me a week before.

When we were alone, my father leaned forward toward me and frowned like I'd done something that displeased him. "Serena, I know what's going on here. I just don't know what to do about it."

As he spoke, my stomach turned at the thought that he knew about Ryder and me and even knew about the baby. "What's going on? What do you mean?"

"I mean you've lost a baby and now you're feeling lost yourself. I don't know how to make that go away."

My father had so rarely said anything genuinely kind to me that I suddenly broke down and began crying. He didn't know how close to the truth his assessment of my problem was. He thought I felt lost because my husband was rarely home with me since I'd been released from the hospital. If he only knew the truth that the person I needed to be with lived only a few yards away from me and suffered in silence just as I had.

I buried my face in my hands and sobbed at how much I needed Ryder, wishing I could tell my father the truth, even if it made a mess of things worse than they already were.

"Serena, I'm sorry this happened to you. I don't know what to do to fix it, though. Perhaps if you returned to volunteering like you used to when you were in high school that might make you feel better. You'd get out of the house a few times a week, and you'd be able to see other people."

Drying my eyes, I thought about his suggestion and saw at least the possibility of a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe if he had Ryder drive me to the soup kitchen I used to volunteer at, we'd have the chance to speak to each other for a few minutes, at least.

"I hadn't thought of that. Maybe it would do me good to help others now. I don't know if I can drive yet, though. Can you have Ryder drive me? I'd like to go as soon as possible."

My enthusiasm for his idea pleased him, and he picked up his office phone without saying another word to me. "Ryder, I have a job for you. Come to my office."

As he hung up, I stood to leave. "Thank you, Daddy. I knew coming down here was a good idea."

On my way out, he stopped me. "Serena, I want you to know lately you've shown a strength I didn't know you had. I'm not sure your sister would have been able to deal with all of this like you have."