Home is Where the Heart is(18)

She let him inside, and as he followed her in, he stopped and stood halfway between the door and the small foyer that led to the living room.

Cassie ran a hand through her messy blonde hair, wrapping her slender arms around herself. “Why are you here, Jordan? I finally got Jake to sleep in the next room. You will wake him up.”

He moved toward her. For an instant, she wanted to be spontaneous and take his face in her hands and kiss him. Instead, she backed away, keeping her hand firmly fixed on the doorknob for when she closed the door on him. Why did he always find a way to make her feel as if her heart was beating faster than it ever had before? It was like she was putting her heart in front of a firing squad. She didn’t know if she could deal with anymore of the misery she had suffered through already. She had been hurt too many times in the past. Could she really risk being burned all over again?

“You shouldn’t be here. I think you should go home.”

“I spoke to my dad today. I made him tell me everything.” His words slurred together. Cassie could barely make out what it was he was trying to say. She could smell alcohol on his breath again. Jordan was drunk, and then he felt the need to show up here. She couldn’t understand why he would do that. Did he want to show her a side of him she wouldn't like? She didn't like him drunk, but it was beside the point. She knew he was drinking as a way to get all the anger out of his system.

“You’re drunk, Jordan. Why would you come see me…” she looked at the time on her watch, “…at ten o’clock at night? Yeah, that’s convenient. Once again, you’re only looking out for yourself. If you wanted to talk to me, you could have come at a more decent time of day. That would have been better than going out and knocking back so much beer. I can’t believe you thought I’d want to see you like this.” Cassie shook her head. He obviously didn’t think about the consequences of his actions. He never did. He just whatever he wanted when it suited him.

One part of Cassie wanted to send Jordan on his merry way home, but another part of her was inclined to wrap her arms around his strapping body and tell him everything would be okay. She couldn’t help feeling this way, figuring it was the kind and compassionate motherly side coming out of her, plus the fact, once upon a time, she loved him wholeheartedly, giving herself to him since he’d been the only boy she wanted to be with. All heartbreak aside, she didn’t want to see him hurting like this. She did feel sympathetic at the fact that he had missed out on the first five years of his son’s life. Cassie knew part of this was her fault. She could have tried standing up to his father and doing what was morally right and confessing all to Jordan about the child they shared together, but she guessed she thought by keeping him out of the loop, she too was protecting his dream. Jordan had been her first love and at the time of their relationship, the naïve part of Cassie had thought she and Jordan would be able to make it work outside of high school, living the perfect happily ever after in a fairy tale kind of way. Cassie knew it was naïve of her to think this but at the time, she had been young and in love. She couldn’t see clearly other than what she wanted for her life.

“I’m sorry,” Jordan mumbled before attempting to stumble away.

Cassie couldn’t let him walk away without asking him something. One particular question had been embedded in her mind since the day their relationship came to an end.

“Why did you text me?”

This made Jordan stop, ponder for a moment, and then turn around to face Cassie, his dark eyes hazy either from the alcohol or confusion.

“What?” he asked as his eyes narrowed.

Cassie crossed her arms over her chest and struck a pose with her foot out. “The night you sent me that message to break up with me—if you were just going to break up with me once you left, then why didn’t you tell me you didn’t want to be with me before you left town? I believed you when you said you would come back so you could be with me. You said I was your happily ever after, and you couldn’t see yourself being with anyone else. You told me I was it for you. I believed you, and then you threw it all back in my face. You broke my heart that night, Jordan.”

He didn’t say anything in return.

“How am I supposed to believe you want to be a part our lives when you can’t even give me a straight answer for the one question I have for you? It’s one thing for you to break my heart, but you cannot just waltz back into town expecting to be a part of our lives and pick up where we left off. I won’t let you be a part of our lives if you’re only going to walk out on us. But you know what? You haven’t even said you want to be in our lives, so I don’t know what I’m going on about,” she said the last part more to herself.