Hollywood Hills(127)

Hollywood Nate was heading for Franklin Avenue when Flotsam said, "Dude, the Wedgie Bandit's a series offender. He likes to do a few jobs at one time. Maybe we should check the subway station. There's lotsa potential victims down there."

"I like my idea," Nate said. "Let's first check out the apartment building on Franklin."

Flotsam said, "Maybe he headed for Grauman's. All those tourists looking at Batman and Spider-Man? They'd never notice that little freakazoid sneaking up behind them."

The urgency in the surfer cop's voice puzzled Nate for a moment, but then he remembered the hospital conversation and he got it. Nate said, "Maybe you're right. My idea is dumb. Let's cruise on over to Grauman's Chinese Theatre. The Wedgie Bandit's probably there right now going after big game. Maybe the Green Lantern or even Darth Vader if he can get under Darth's cape."

Flotsam grinned in relief when Nate turned away from the apartment building on Franklin Avenue and headed west. He said gratefully, "Dude, until my li'l pard gets back, I gotta teach you some vocabulary so we can, like, communicate as equals, okay? Now to start with, a fibro is a surfboard."

"Fibro," Nate said. "Got it."

"Getting tubed is when you're inside the wave, right? So it might apply to certain things in life."

"Roger that," Nate said. "Getting tubed."

"A goat-boater is one of those donks that kayaks into our surf. So that's a pushy dude."

Nate said, "Never goat-boat the kahunas. How am I doing?"

"You're boglius, dude," Flotsam said. "That means you are one coolaphonic copper and it is rad to be sharing your shop for a while."

Nate said wistfully, "And I guess being a coolaphonic copper is even better than being a movie star the way you see things."

"That is rightous, dude. So, are you, like, finally coming around to that conclusion in your own life? Has the old acting bug been sorta swatted?"

"No way," said Nate. "It's just been on hiatus. I'm still determined to grow old and die in the Motion Picture and Television Country House. You can come see me when I'm there and feed me Jell-O shots. Just check my diaper if you bring fastidious people with you, and pour some premium vodka in my sippy cup when the nurses aren't looking."

"Whatever happened to your movie connection up in the Hollywood Hills? Where we dropped the business card on the butler that time?"

"Didn't work out," Hollywood Nate said. "I've seen Sunset Boulevard too many times."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Joe Gillis always ends up facedown in the swimming pool." "He shoulda went to the beach," Flotsam said, "where they got lifeguards."

"Speaking of old movies," Nate said, "we'd better head for Grauman's Chinese Theatre right this minute before we're too late."

"Go for it," Flotsam said. "It'd be way wack and totally bleak if little kids witnessed the dude giving a humungous wedgie to Batman."

"And can you even imagine the shock and awe on the Walk of Fame," Hollywood Nate added, "if that fiend had the gall to give a wedgie to, let's say, Marilyn Monroe? Oh, the horror! Would it be scenery chewing to drive there code three?"