Holding His Forever(4)
Popping one of them, I go to my bedroom and fall face first on the mattress.
I close my eyes, feeling the exhaustion taking me, but before I slip under I mumble, “I miss you, Mom.”
4
Phoenix
“I’m reluctantly putting you back on the truck. But I’ve got my eyes on you, Phoenix. Dr. Birch said you’re making progress and that he’s comfortable with putting you back on full time.”
My meeting with the shrink went okay. I don’t like to sit down and talk about my feelings, but I’ve only ever wanted to do one job, and that’s being a firefighter. I’ll do anything to get back to that, including talking to a stranger about my grief. I’m still not one-hundred-percent inside, but I’ve got to have this, because otherwise, I’m nothing.
“Thank you, sir,” I say, trying not to push him too far. I want to stay on Captain’s good side, and the best way to do that is to shut my mouth.
“I’m giving Graham the night off, so you’re up. You think you can handle that?”
I nod, and he waves a hand at me, telling me to get out of his office.
When I get upstairs I talk to a few of the guys and read over Graham's report from the night before. I go over some new training steps with them, and we do a gear check. It takes the better part of the day and into the night to review it all. Then we get to work on pulling hoses and checking the trucks. There is always work to be done in a firehouse, and it’s exactly what I need. The distraction keeps my brain from going to dark places, and the routine makes me feel like I’m getting back to the old me.
“What about you, Phoenix?”
I look up at Gordon, one of the young guys. “Huh?”
“I said, you up for drinks on Friday? We’re going out after shift change to find some pussy. You in?”
I laugh and shake my head, going back to checking the rear engine.
“Come on, man. How long has it been since you got laid? You never talk about getting any.”
He and a few of the guys laugh, and I just keep working while I answer him.
“Two things, Gordon. First, a man doesn’t need to tell his friends that it happened to prove that it happened. And second, if a woman is willing to take her clothes off and let you fuck her, you’d do well to treat that with some respect. Because that woman is probably a saint.”
I look over at him and see his cheeks turn a little pink as the other guys give him shit. It’s been a long time since I had a woman, but that’s not anyone’s business. I think about holding a woman in my arms and making love, but it’s always followed by the “what ifs.” If I had someone, then I’d have something to lose, and with my job, so would they. If I was in love and had a family, what would happen if one day I didn’t come home? The pain of those thoughts is enough to have me pulling back from any woman who’s tried to do more than say hello to me. I know it’s a part of the job, and it’s a fear we all have. But at least this is one thing I can control.
5
Phoenix
When the alarm sounds, I’m in motion. I’ve been doing this so long I don’t even have to think. My body just goes. Everyone’s hauling ass out of bed, doing the same routine we’ve done hundreds of times. It’s just ingrained deep into us. Not until I’m on the back of the truck do I really start using my head, thinking about what we might be going into. The adrenalin pumps through me, racing through my body. It’s the only thing I seem to feel anymore. Almost like a small high that brings me to life for just a moment in time. A rush of something that isn’t laced with grief and death. That is, until I stop moving and remember where I’m heading. That lives depend on me. Not just the ones I’m racing to, but the ones following me into fire.
We haven’t had a call all day or night, and we already know this one is a live fire. This isn’t just a response, someone having smacked their car into someone else, or even someone having a heart attack. We are always first on scene, but this time we know. We’re going into danger. I smell the smoke before I see the fire lighting up the sky as we take the sharp turn around the corner.
“I smell gas,” I say into my headset. Arson. “Eyes open.” I scan the street as the fire truck comes to a stop in front of the old Laundromat that sits on the corner, only one other building connecting to it. I check if anything looks out of place, but the street is already starting to fill with people wanting to know what’s going on.
“We got rentals,” I bark into my mic, taking in the windows above the Laundromat as I drop from the truck. “Gordon and Nick, take the connecting building to the right.” I scan the windows of the Laundromat, thankful that it’s closed. “Rich, see if you can check the ground floor. It looks closed,” I order as I head for the door that leads to the rentals above.