Holding His Forever(3)
When I woke up in the hospital the first thing, I asked was about my men and the little boy. I was on the landing below and had fallen in such a way that the boy was under me, so neither of us got the impact my two men did. I didn’t lose my life, but Marcus and Vance weren’t so lucky. I walked away with just a few bumps and bruises, and the little boy was safe, but we had to deliver the news to their families, tell them that they’d given their lives to save someone.
My dad was a firefighter, and I hero-worshiped him for as long as I could remember. I walked around in his turnout gear as soon as I could take my first step. He tried to tell me that this job would take a piece of me, but I never understood what he had meant. Not until I woke up in that hospital bed, knowing I’d led my men into that situation. Knowing that there was so much I could have done to stop them, but then maybe there wasn’t. They saved a life that day, but it cost them theirs, and it just wasn’t something I was coping with. At least that’s what the shrink tells me.
Before I can say anything back to Graham, the alarm sounds.
3
Phoenix
“You’re benching me?” I shout as Captain Thomas walks away from me.
I’ve got my feet in my boots and look around as all the guys around me move in a blur of red and yellow. I jump out of my turnout gear, knowing that I won’t be able to catch up with them now. If you can’t do it in under forty seconds, your ass is off the truck.
“Captain!” I shout over the sirens of the truck as the guys load up and take off.
He’s almost to his office when he turns to face me. He’s an older guy, bald on top with gray patches on either side. He’s still pretty damn fit though, and I’m willing to bet he could still hold his own on that truck. But he’s already put in his years of services and sits behind a desk now.
“What?” he says, looking into my eyes. He’s also one of the only guys as tall as me, at nearly six-three. “I said you’re off the truck.”
“Why?” I’m ten shades of pissed off, but deep down I know exactly why.
“You’ve skipped your last two meetings with the psychiatrist. You’ve been sleeping upstairs every night for four months, and to be honest, you look like total shit. You need some time off, Phoenix. I thought letting you work through it was going to get it done, but nothing has changed. I’m this close,” he takes a step towards me and holds his fingers a hair’s width apart right in front of my eyes, “to putting you on mandatory leave. Don’t give me a reason. Take the night off, go home, and get your shit together. You’ll meet with Doctor Birch in the morning, and if he gives you the all clear, then I might think about putting you back on my truck. But I swear to God, if he so much as hesitates when giving me the report, I’ll have your ass out of here for a month. You got me?”
“Yes, sir.”
It’s the only thing I can say. I have no ground to stand on. He’s right, and I know it, but I just haven’t been willing to accept it. I’ve let this all fall on my shoulders, and I haven’t been dealing with it since it happened.
Letting out a sigh, I watch as Captain Thomas goes into his office and slams the door. I know he’s not happy about having to do this to me. I’m his first lieutenant, and his next in command. He needs me with my head on, and I’m not doing all I should be for the remaining men here. What kind of example am I setting if this is how I go on living?
I go upstairs, grab my shit, and head home.
When I get to my apartment, I walk in and see it’s exactly how I left it four months ago. I can tell by the stack of mail and how clean it is that my dad’s been coming by and taking care of things for me. Feeling the guilt stir in the pit of my stomach, I call him.
“Hey, sunshine. You doing okay?”
“Yeah, Dad. Thanks for taking care of the place.”
“No problem. I put on clean sheets just yesterday. Figured you might be headed home soon.”
I can’t help but laugh darkly. He’s best friends with Captain Thomas, so I’m sure they’ve had a good bit to talk about when it comes to how I’m doing.
“Love you, Dad.”
“Love you too, my boy.”
I toss my phone on the counter and go to the shower, stripping down and letting the hot water scald me. I feel bone tired, but anxious at the same time. I want to sleep, but I don’t want the nightmares to take hold. After I’m finished, I go to my backpack and grab the bottle the shrink prescribed for me after the accident. He said I needed to go home, get some rest, and take these when I wasn’t on call. I hadn’t felt safe taking them in the firehouse, but this may be the only way I get some sleep tonight.