Hate to Love You(98)

I must have looked guilty as hell because James’s eyes narrowed into slits.

“Okay,” I confessed. “Maybe I did think about it but I didn’t do it. I decided to come back to the UK and—”

“And fuck me instead,” he said softly. “Then you were going to blackmail me with the truth. Because you’re a psychotic, perverse little bitch, aren’t you? Just like Caroline.”

“No, of course not! And I won’t contact Alex either,” I said, wanting to reassure him. “You’re Ryan’s father—nothing has changed.”#p#分页标题#e#

“Nothing has changed?” he said furiously. “That’s certainly true as far as you’re concerned. You’re still a conniving liar who gets her kicks out of manipulating me, biding your time so you can gloat. Congratulations, Paisley, this performance was better than the one at my wedding. A brilliant encore I’ll leave you to savour as far away from Ryan and me as possible.”

I stared at him in dismay, shaking my head as if the action would somehow make him believe me.

“Have you thought for one instant about Ryan?” he snarled. “He’s already growing up without a mother but to take away the only father he’s ever known—”

“Of course I have,” I said. “That’s why it’s been so hard to tell you!”

Aggression swirled around James, dark currents that made my scalp tingle in alarm. He was holding on to his control by the barest of threads, his expression a mixture of loathing and passion. But it wasn’t the passion you read about in books or the kind you dream about at night. It was the kind that precedes life imprisonment.

I had to keep my cool, as I used to when my father was lost in rage. I didn’t believe James would hurt me, at least I hoped not, but I’d never seen him like this and it scared me. Even so I wanted to touch him, hold him, make him forgive me. I took a step and stopped when he retreated as if he didn’t trust himself not to lash out.

“I never meant to hurt you,” I said, flinching as soon as the words were out.

What the hell was wrong with me? I had just uttered the lamest, stupidest words in the English language. James obviously thought so too. His lips twisted into a sneer, an expression I’d never seen on him before.

“I suppose you’re going to tell me how sorry you are and how much you care about me.” His hands clenched into fists. “The only person you care about is yourself. Not Ryan and certainly not me.”

“I love Ryan and I-I do care about you!” I cried. “I’ve never opened myself to another man before or felt this way about anybody else.”

James wasn’t in listening mode; he had suppressed his rage but maybe not for long. Caroline’s lies about me were uppermost in his thoughts and he was finding them more credible with every second that passed. My revelation had proven her right.

No frickin’ way. I had to make him understand how much he meant to me.

I smiled tremulously. “I’ve felt drawn to you since the first day I met you, connected somehow. I think you felt the same. You took my virginity. You were my first.”

“I think I paid a high enough price for the privilege, don’t you?” he said bitterly, taking out his wallet. “How much for tonight?”

I gasped, sucking in air too heavy to breathe. A sharp, crackling pain hit me in the chest. It radiated through my body until it felt as if even my veins sizzled from the brutal shock of his thoughts. It was a different kind of lightning, one you don’t die from but one that cripples you for life.

Maybe I should have railed at him for the insult but all I did was shake my head mutely. He shrugged and I slumped against the wall, too numb to do anything but watch him readjust his clothing and listen as he phoned a taxi. My body alternated between cold and hot while I desperately tried to think of a way to make him forgive me.

“I’m in luck,” he said. “There’s a taxi two minutes away.”

“What I did to you was terrible and you didn’t deserve it. But I’m not that person anymore,” I said, putting every ounce of truth into my words. “I came back a changed woman!”
#p#分页标题#e#
James stopped buckling his belt to look at me. “So when were you going to tell me I’m not Ryan’s father?”

Oh no. I shut my eyes, bowing my head under the weight of his stare. When I heard the sharp intake of his breath I bit my lip so hard it bled.

“You were never going to tell me, were you?” he said. “Had I read your letters and given in to your demands I would have remained none the wiser.”