Hate to Love You(81)
My hand flew to my open mouth. “I worshipped you when I was little. I wanted you to notice me, play with me—
Her laugh was harsh, broken. “And I wanted to push your pram into the road, poison your food and make you ugly. Make them forget about you. I couldn’t, so I decided to show them I was the only daughter worthy of their love.”
Bitterness flooded my voice. “You succeeded.”
“Yes,” she said musingly. “After I lied about Manuel.”
I drew in a shocked breath. There she sat, finally admitting what she’d done to me, and yet I didn’t feel the vindication I had imagined. Where were my scathing words, the things I’d planned to say to her if she ever owned up?
All I felt was overwhelming sorrow and a sense of hopelessness. Pity. My parents had visited their hatred of each other on a small, helpless child and she had turned it on me.
My heart clenched painfully. I didn’t want to feel sorry for Caroline but I did. It wasn’t right to let my pity for the child overcome my hatred of the woman, not after what she had done to me and what I had done to her. After all, I had to live with the consequences of my actions but Caroline would never be punished. I would never get justice.
It wasn’t right that I should pity her, damn it! It didn’t stand to reason. Even so I was unable to muster my hatred, because what is “right” anyway? Or “justice”? How much does hatred weigh against pity on the scale of Reason?
I looked at her pale face. “You let your childhood hatred grow up with you, Caroline. You nurtured it until it almost destroyed me, and you could have chosen differently. You could have loved me or at least tried.”
“I was in love with Manuel.”
The garden tilted and then righted itself and for a second I thought I had heard her wrong.
She looked me over dispassionately. “Ever since the day he married Aunt Isabel I wanted him to notice me. He was always playing with you, tickling you when you were small. When your body started filling out he followed you with his eyes but he never paid me the same attention. You were nothing. Nothing! A troublemaker we had to put up with. I was more intelligent, more beautiful and accomplished. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want me.”#p#分页标题#e#
Bloody hell! I had to rewind, process her words and read her eyes before I could tell myself that yes, I had understood correctly. A wave of nausea made me glad I had nothing to hurl in my stomach except horror.
Caroline pursed her lips, affronted by her memories. “I flirted with him, asked for his help with my studies. Anything that would bring us into close contact. When I came home after my first term at uni I worked up the courage to kiss him. He rebuked me so I went to his house and tried to seduce him.”
Sorry Francesca, but circumstances being what they are...
“That is seriously fucked up.”
She turned to face me, her eyes full of wrath. “He rejected me, laughing at my attempt. You were only twelve but I could tell he desired you. He was always whispering in your ear and touching you. I suspected what was going on but it was only when I came home early that day and saw him in your bedroom that I knew for sure.
“After convincing you to come forward it was easy to make you out to be a liar. You were brazen, always going out behind Mum’s back and getting into trouble. You got what you deserved.”
My heart pounded painfully and I shut my eyes against her righteous face. She had suspected Manuel’s intentions and done nothing to help me. The funeral wasn’t bringing out the best in Caroline but it was bringing out the truth. I dropped my face into my hands. The sound of her daughter’s high peals of laughter jerked it up again.
“Keep her away from Manuel,” I said darkly.
“I will.”
I reached out and gripped Caroline’s chin so I could read her. I had to know if she meant it. She tried to twist away and then gave up and met my gaze reluctantly. She was telling the truth but I was caught by her other truths and pulled in deeper.