Good Enough(35)
“I’m not. I promise. I think it’s great.”
HOLY SHIT! I’M TOTALLY FREAKING OUT AND I’M TOTALLY OVER THINKING!
February 15, 2002
To: hillarynowal@aol.com
From: lilybird@aol.com
February 15, 2002 9:07a.m.
Good Morning Sexy Lady!
So when are you/we going lingerie shopping for New Hampshire?
Yes of course I knew! Ha ha!
It’s gonna be great!
Xoxo – Lily
To: lilybird@aol.com
From: hillarynowal@aol.com
February 15, 2002 10:01 a.m.
Good Morning To You Too!
I’m not surprised at all that you knew. We need to go shopping ASAP and I need to start doing some serious sit ups and dieting. He can’t see me naked like this!
This Body = Hot Mess
xoxo – Hil
To: hillarynowal@aol.com
From: lilybird@aol.com
February 15, 2002 10:18 a.m.
You’re fine! Your body is fine! If Jameson didn’t like it he wouldn’t be with you!
Bevan is coming over tonight, so let’s go shopping tomorrow. Maybe we can grab lunch too?
Xoxo – Lily
To: lilybird@aol.com
From: hillarynowal@aol.com
February 15, 2002 10:59 a.m.
Tomorrow works. Call me later with details. I’m about to head in to a meeting.
Xoxo – Hil
IF I’M THIS NERVOUS ABOUT LINGERIE shopping how am I going to be when the time comes to close the deal with Jameson?
Robert fucked me up with what he put me through. My unloving house has fucked me too. I don’t trust anybody. I know Jameson told me not to overthink and he didn’t expect anything but I want to. I want to reach that intimacy level with Jameson. I want to be able to let my guard down. I want to be able to trust him, to believe he won’t hurt me.
Today it’s just me and Lily. I told her if she says she’s taking me to Frederick’s of Hollywood I will slap her. Luckily it didn’t come to that. We went to Victoria’s Secret first because they are the best. Lily thought one slutty outfit was enough and the rest should be a combination of sexy, cute and comfortable. I found two that fit that description at Filene’s. The final two choices were silk camisoles and matching short sets. One was plain lavender and the second was leopard-print. Every girl should have at least one piece of silk leopard-print sleepwear right?
I haven’t told my parents I’m going away yet. I’m interested to see what my mother’s reaction is going to be. She’s considered me a slut since I was fifteen. She probably thinks I’ve had sex with Jameson already. I’m not confirming or denying anything with her. She wouldn’t ask anyway. We just don’t have that kind of relationship. I’m sure we never will either, and I’m fine with that. I’ve made it this far without any motherly guidance. I figured out how to use a tampon on my own, how to apply mascara, how not to treat my future husband and children. I’ll be just fine.
I cannot have a repeat of New Year’s Eve. I cannot chicken out. I will go to New Hampshire and I will have a great time. Crap! I can feel the panic starting to set in. I need a talk with my favorite wise old lady, Grandma Nowal. She’ll calm me down without having to go in to gory details. She wouldn’t pry either.
Grandma Nowal is my world. She has always been there for me. She taught me how to plant crops and cook, she helped me with my homework, cooked for me when I was sick and so much more. Something special happens when I sit down and talk with her. I feel healed. Grandma Nowal gives me that feeling that everything will be okay when I leave her house.
“Grandma, you in here?” I shout in to the house.
“Yep, I’m in the den.” She shouts back. “I’m coming.”
“Got any Yoo-Hoo in the fridge?”
“Yes, of course. Take one. Is that why you’re here? For my Yoo-Hoo?” She replies sarcastically.
“Very funny. No. I’m just stopping to say ‘hi’, and to see if you need anything at the store.”
“No, I don’t need anything today but I probably will later this week if you can take me?”
“Of course I will take you. Don’t I always?”
“Yes, you do. You’re my favorite grandchild. You call me every day. You take me grocery shopping. None of the other ones do. So tell me, what’s with that puzzled look on your face?”
“It’s Jameson.”
“Oh. Is everything okay? I like him. He’s a good lookin’ one too, Hillary.”
“Yes, everything is fine. He asked me to go to New Hampshire with him for a couple of days.”
“Well, that sounds nice. No hanky-panky young lady.” She says while shaking her finger at me with a stern look in her old blue eyes.”
“Don’t worry, Grandma.”