Giving In(81)

Jensen tensed and she bit into her lip, sorry that she’d made that remark so soon after Jensen had confided his own mother’s desertion. She’d never really considered just how much she and Jensen had in common. Two halves to a whole.

“I’m sorry,” she said in a distressed voice. The last thing she wanted was to pull Jensen back into his own past. Hers was bad enough.

“No, baby, no. Don’t apologize. You need to talk about this with someone who loves you. Someone who will listen. Tonight isn’t about me. It’s about you.”

She nodded and then squeezed her eyes tightly shut. The rest was . . . hard. Shame and a sense of degradation burned through her memories.

“He raped me for the first time when I was thirteen.”

Jensen went rigid next to her. She curled her fingers into his chest, needing something solid, tangible. He slid his hand between them, splaying over hers.

“And there was violence. So much violence,” she whispered. “Nothing Carson and I ever did was right. When he was drunk, he always targeted Carson. But it was when he was completely sober that he directed his ire toward me. I could almost understand, well not really, but it would make more sense if he was just a mean drunk and he only became abusive when he was drinking. It was the vengeful targeting of me when he was fully cognizant of what he was doing that frightened me the most. It seemed so personal.

“At least with Carson it always seemed to be a case of Carson being in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s a sad testament that I felt safer as long as he was drinking.”

Jensen kissed the top of her head, leaving his lips there pressed against her hair.

“I’ve never told anyone this,” she began. She started shaking, no longer able to keep the memories at bay. Manageable. They poured through her mind leaving inky darkness and pain in their wake.

“What, Kylie?” he gently coaxed. “What haven’t you ever told anyone?”

“There was a time when I seriously considered suicide.”

Jensen sucked in his breath and then expelled it in long, shaky puffs. “Oh God, baby. I’m so sorry. That’s a heavy burden to carry by yourself. Why have you never told anyone?”

“Because it demonstrated just how weak I am,” she said wearily. “Just another shortcoming on my list. It was only the thought of leaving Carson behind by himself that kept me from doing it. Not that I didn’t want to die. I did. So many times it would have been so easy to make it all stop. I was angry at my mom for leaving us and yet there I was thinking of doing the exact same thing to Carson.”

“Kylie, you aren’t weak. It took a hell of a lot of courage and guts not to do it. To remain in that situation with no hope of getting out of it. You were just a child who thought you’d never get out of your hell. I can’t say I blame you for contemplating suicide.”

“It broke Carson to know what our father was doing to me. I suppose he felt like you in some ways. Helpless to make it stop.”

“I know that feeling only too well,” Jensen murmured.

She didn’t want to discuss every sordid detail. There was no need to do that to either herself or Jensen. It was enough that he knew. That she’d told him.

“When and how did it end?” Jensen asked, after her long silence.

“Carson worked odd jobs and he saved up enough money for us to run. We left in the middle of the night while our father was passed out. I was so worried about Carson because our father had beaten him worse than usual. He had bruises, broken ribs. God only knows what else. But he got us out of there.”

“Where did you go?” Jensen asked softly. “How did you make it? How did you end up going to college, even?”

“We were homeless for a while. While we had some money, we couldn’t afford to use it for rent and who would rent something to two kids? We would have been turned over to the police and then sent back to our father. We had to eat and we used the money sparingly. Carson worked his way through college and I worked odd jobs to help. When he started working, he in turn helped me through college.”

“And you call yourself weak,” Jensen said in bewilderment. “How could you ever think so? Do you even realize the kind of strength it took to survive, and then being homeless with no one to look out for you except each other? I don’t know of many people who would have had that kind of resolve.”

“I wish I could see it the way you do,” she said wistfully.

“You’re a brave, courageous woman, Kylie. Never doubt that.”

“I love you,” she said.

“I love you too, baby. Did you or Carson ever see him after that?”