Giving In(68)

“Did it ever stop?” she asked quietly.

Jensen closed his eyes, pain burning like fire in his chest. It was almost too much, going back to that time in his life. He hadn’t opened that door in a very long time and now that it was flung wide, he couldn’t keep it under control.

Images flashed in his mind, tumbling faster and faster until he was dizzy from it.

“No,” he whispered. “God, no. He was a bastard to the bitter end. The day he was diagnosed with terminal cancer I celebrated. Jesus. I was fucking thrilled that the old man was going to endure a painful death. I wished it on him. Time and time again, and all I could think when it happened was that God had answered my prayer. How twisted is that?”

“It’s not,” she defended. “It was justice. It was what he deserved.”

“And my mother. God, she sat with him until the bitter end. I never understood that. But when it was over, she cleaned out their bank accounts, gave me the money and told me to go and be happy. Be happy. As if it were that easy. She expected me to walk away and leave her, move on with my life and forget the hell he put us both through.”

Her brow furrowed. “Did you?”

Jensen shook his head. “I couldn’t just leave her. I resented her for sticking by him through his illness, but I couldn’t just walk away from her. I didn’t understand why she didn’t walk away at her first opportunity. Maybe I’ll never understand it.”

“What happened?” she asked softly.

She’d picked up on the fact that there was more.

He lay back, staring at the ceiling, feeling anger and . . . betrayal, a sense of betrayal. One he’d never fully recognized until now. He felt betrayed by his mother, only now he couldn’t help but wonder if she’d done the best thing she could have.

“She left,” he said, trying to keep the bitterness from his words. “Since I wouldn’t just leave her and go on my way, she did.”

Kylie’s mouth dropped open in shock. Anger flickered in her eyes before she stifled it and blinked it away.

“She left? Just like that?”

Jensen nodded. “I never saw her or heard from her again. There was a time I searched for her. After college, when I landed a job and started making money. I wanted to see how she was doing. I wanted to give her back what she’d given to me, because she was left with nothing. I always wondered how she managed. But she disappeared. I have no idea if she’s alive or dead. In my darkest moments, I wonder if she didn’t go away so she could die. If she perhaps didn’t do the job herself. Maybe she was trying to spare me more pain. Who knows? I know that’s a horrible thing to imagine, but I can’t come up with another explanation.”

“Oh, Jensen,” she said, her voice aching with emotion. “I’m so sorry. How awful for you not to know. I can’t imagine what that’s like. To need closure and have no possible way for you to achieve it.”

“I just want to know that she’s okay,” he said in a low voice. “That maybe she’s even happy. At times I think I’ve made peace with it all, and at others, I recognize that I’ll never fully be at peace over the entire thing.”

“That’s understandable.”

“And sometimes I wonder if she blamed me,” he said baldly. “For not protecting her. For allowing him to hurt her. If she hated me for it. For my weakness.”

Kylie rose over him, her eyes stricken. “Jensen, no! You were just a child. You were the one who was supposed to be protected. By your father and your mother. It wasn’t your job to protect her. You aren’t to blame for what he did.”

“I wish I could believe that,” he said wearily. “I just wish I could tell her I was sorry. She was a good woman. But she’d been beaten down too many times. Her spirit was just broken. She was utterly defeated and in the end I just don’t think she had anything left. Maybe she didn’t want me to see her that way. Maybe that’s why she tried to get me to leave and when I didn’t, she did. I guess I’ll never know.”

She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him to her. He could feel dampness on her cheek. Her tears for him shining on her skin.

The very last thing he wanted was to cause her pain. To make her remember. He wrapped his arms around her, thrusting his fingers into her hair, just holding her close.

“Two wounded souls finding the light,” she whispered against his neck. “We need each other, Jensen. We understand all too well.”

“I do need you,” he said, the words a benediction. “So much, baby. I can’t even explain it to myself, how you mean so much to me in such a short time. I never believed in destiny before but you’re clearly mine. Made for me.”