Forever My Love(109)
"Then say it."
"I can't. Not when I know what a disaster it would be. You haven't thought about what it would mean, I know you haven't."
"Of course I have," he said roughly. "I'm not a fool—I know it will be difficult, and I realize what we'll have to face—"
"I doubt that," Mira said, fumbling for the right words. "You don't fully realize how different we are. It would be impossible for you to understand just how different my background is from yours. You've said that you want me, and… I feel the same about you. But I'm not the kind of person you really want for a wife."
"Would you let me be the judge of my own feelings?"
"Your feelings about me are going to change," she said, with such utter conviction that Alec was temporarily surprised into silence. "And if you made me your wife, you would wake up one morning and see what a tragic mistake you had made, and that you should have married one of your own kind—"
"Mira," he interrupted, and his expression had changed, as though he had sensed that his anger would only make her more obstinate. His voice was soft and very persuasive. "You are my own kind… and you know I'm not an impetuous boy who doesn't know what he wants. I've thought about everything, including your past, and I still want to marry you. You're afraid that your past will come between us. That's not for you to worry about. My feelings about your past are my problem, not yours, and I'll deal with them—""I don't think you'll be able to. Almost any other barrier between us might be surmountable… but there are things about me that I can never change, just as there are things about you that never will. We don't belong together, and you don't know how much I wish we did… but I can't marry you. The answer is no. / can't:'
"Just like that. After all that's happened between us, you can refuse me so quickly?… Name of God, do you think I made this proposal lightly? It hasn't been easy for me to make this decision! I've had the choice of the best blood in Europe and I've just proposed instead to a woman with no title, no name of any consequence, no family—a woman who won't tell me much about herself or her past."
"That's exactly what I've been trying to explain."
"My point is that I know all of that about you, and I've decided to accept it. Do you think I'd propose to you without making certain that it's what I want?"
"My past—"
"Your past," he repeated with disgust. "I'm damn well sick of this past that I know so little about—what is so horrifying about it? What are you hiding? Why don't you tell me about it and let me decide if it's something I can't deal with?"
Mira's cheeks burned, and she could not meet his eyes. She couldn't tell him. She did not want to see the revulsion in his eyes when she told him that she was a whore's daughter. It would be more honest of her to tell him… but if he knew of her childhood and where she had spent it, he would not be able to stand the sight of her. He would regret every time he had ever touched her, and that would be too much for her to bear. And if she did what her heart was crying out for her to do—if she married him and kept the past to herself—the constant fear of his finding out would be impossible to live with.
"No," she whispered. "I'm sorry.'Alec raked a hand through his hair and cursed. "You're leaving me with no options," he said curtly. "You've made it clear before that you don't want to be my mistress. You wanted more than that. Fine— I've offered to marry you. But you don't want that, because you think we're too different to mix well together. That happens to be a matter of opinion. You're afraid of what your past might do to us… but you won't explain anything about it to me. The obvious conclusion is that that you don't want anything from me… and that, my dear Miss Germain, is something you'll never make me believe."
"It's true. I don't want anything from—"
"Stop." Alec's voice was oddly flat, as if it were necessary to command such control over himself that he could allow no emotion to show through. "No more. It's obvious that we both need time to think."
"It's over."
"No. We're going to talk about this later, when I've had time to figure out what.the hell is going on."
"It's over," she repeated gently.
"Before I take you back to the Berkeleys," he said, his gray eyes turning silver with their chilling intensity, "I am going to say one more thing. In the past few years I have either lost or thrown away almost everything of personal value to me. But I am not going to lose you."