Forever Dark(66)

“So what does that mean?” The pain I feel right now is unreal. Withdrawals have nothing on this feeling.

“It means…” he pauses, he doesn’t want to say it. But he does, and it burns like the acid of my tears falling. “If I can’t have all of you, even the broken parts, the forever dark parts, I can’t do it.”

“So that means what?”

He says nothing.

“I can’t even think without you.” I shake my head bringing my hands to my face, my fingers to my lips. “I feel like I’m trying to fill this hole and it’s not an option. I can’t make myself not love you. I’ve tried.” I tell him through tears I can’t seem to control right now. My nerves rail, my mind reels as I yell, “I’ve tried!”

At the tone of my voice, he lifts his head searching for truth in my words. “And so have I!” He gasps and struggling with emotions raging through him. “I’ve tried to not love you. I’ve tried to hate you. And there was a time when I thought I did.” Cash looks at me, his eyes searching mine. With what he’s met with, he sees it. He knows. “You need to get some help. Give it a legitimate try. Make an effort for yourself.”

“And then what?”

He’s caught off guard a little by my instant reply. “And then…” he pauses and stares at the field for a while, leaving me hanging. “I can’t even begin to explain the way I hurt for you. It’s something that never goes away. It’s here in my gut, deep, it’s just so fucking overwhelming for me. I think of what you’ve done to yourself and everyone around you, and it makes me sick to know what you did. It hurts to know you’re killing yourself. I was right there. For three fucking years I was at your feet waiting for you to see I would do anything for you. Anything.”

I nod because forgiveness from a guy like Cash is earned. It’s something I might never have.

“I know.”

He knows that’s not what I want to hear and my tears break his control a little. “I don’t know, Mad.” He shakes his head, tears falling, biting his shaking thumb nail, and I see just how hard this has been on him. Three years. Three fucking years I’ve ripped his heart out over and over again and now I expect him to let me do it again?

It’s not fair.

It’s anything but right. I can’t do this to him anymore. I can’t do it to anyone.

So I stand, the movement slow and shaky, much like my mind.

“I’m sorry.” The words seem inadequate but I say them anyway. “I’m so fucking sorry I’ve done this to you.” I sob into my hands and turn away. I can’t take it. I can’t do this to him anymore.

I’m a foot away when I hear the scrape of his shoes on the metal bleachers as they squeak and he’s grabbing me by the waist. I’m pulled into his hard embrace. I turn, wrapping my arms around his neck and bury my head in his neck and hoodie.

It’s that smell.

The one I miss so fucking much.

The one I’d die for just to smell the rest of my life.

It’s Cash.

When Steven died, I was sure that pain, that guilt would be something that would hurt worse than anything I’d ever experienced. Deep down, I knew it wouldn’t. I knew that someday, somehow there would be a pain worse than that.

This.

Him.

This forever we’ve let slip through our fingers because of me.

This pain is so much worse because we did this.

We let this happen. It wasn’t an accident.

My body shakes as I cry in his arms. At some point, I don’t even know how long I’ve been crying but I know why. I’m crying for him, for Steven, for Alexa, for Macy, Landon, and me. I’m crying because life handed us something we couldn’t handle and took forever away. I don’t like how I handled it or what I did to everyone around me. That’s on me and I finally see it.

Cash moves slightly, his arms tightening around me like he’s never going to let go and he buries his head in my neck. I feel the wetness hit my neck and it makes me cry harder when his lips find my heated skin. Though it’s barely thirty degrees out here, he’s the only warmth I need and want.

It’s the first time in weeks that I’ve felt him this close. It’s almost too much. I gasp and tremble. It’s a natural reaction to have between us. When we’re close, our bodies take over. I know he’s crying and trying to hide that by kissing me. His hands move from my hips to cradle my face. I shut my eyes with the anticipation of his mouth on mine.

There’s no hesitation.

None at all as he brings his wet lips to mine.

It’s urgent and passionate and everything Cash is to me.