Forever Dark(63)

And if I think this is the worst of the withdrawals, I’m wrong. The times I’ve tried to quit, I know it’s weeks after you stop that’s the worst. That’s when most relapse. I’ve never admitted to anyone all the drugs I’ve done. Not even to myself.

To think I put myself through this, a little bump for a thirty-minute high that leaves me feeling like shit.

I check my phone. I’m tempted. Jay would give me what I need, if I asked.

Don’t call.

I’m too tired to call. So I drop the phone on my bed and raise my shaking hand to my flushed cheeks and stare at myself in the mirror again.

“What happened to you?” I ask myself.

It’s obvious what happened. But to my friends and my parents, it’s not as easy. When my mom and dad saw me last night, the first time they’ve laid eyes on me in a couple of months, they gasped.

I see the worry on everyone’s faces.

Mostly Cash because he’s been witness to this the entire time.





When I can get up from the floor, I walk the mile it takes to get to Jackie’s house. The cold feels good and though my body is so weak, the fresh air helps.

This is a conversation I’ve been avoiding for a while and Jackie sees that right away. She’s gentle when she speaks, like she knows how to give talks like this.

“I’m sorry.” She says to me.

I don’t understand what she means by that. What in the world would she have to be sorry about?

I glance into the living room where Alexa is with Macy. I should be sorry about them. What I’ve done to both of them.

“Don’t be sorry for me. Don’t ever say that. Feel sorry for you having to bury your baby. Feel sorry for Adam, Josh, and Connor. They lost their little brother. Feel sorry for John. He lost a son. Feel sorry for Alexa. She never got her forever. Because of me, and Landon, they all lost something so great nothing will ever compare to that.”

“What about you?” Jackie asks. “You lost something too. You lost a friend. A good friend who loved you.”

I’ve never really looked at it that way.

“Have you talked to Cash lately?”

“No.” It hurts to hear his name and immediately sends my heart into rapid beats. “We got in a huge fight and haven’t talked since.”

“Sweetie, you see things in black and white. Cash doesn’t.” And now I see where she’s going with this. “He sees everything in color. You need that in your life. You need the color he gives you and he needs the shadows that you provide for reprieve in the life he has… in those colors. It’s blinding for him at times.”

I take in a deep breath staring at the tea in my hands, cupping the warm ceramic cup. Bringing it to my lips, I take a sip from the steaming mint tea.

“I don’t know if he’ll even talk to me.”

Jackie smiles. “You’ll never know until you try.”

She’s right. I won’t.

And then she looks at me and I know what’s coming next.

Me.

She sees what I am right now. The flushed cheeks, the bony appearance, the dark circles under my eyes and the fact that I haven’t stopped shaking since I got here.

“How bad is it?”

I swallow, afraid to admit it and knowing I need to. “Bad.”

“Are you okay or do you need help?”

I asked Alexa this question and now I understand why it seemed so stupid to ask. Is anyone ever okay?

I don’t think they are. Deep down something in everyone’s life bothers them to the point they want to change it.

“No… but it’s better being here than at school.”

Jackie reaches forward and retrieves my trembling hands from around my cup. “I can’t lose you kids. I can’t.” Her chin shakes. “I lost my baby boy. I don’t want to see you kids intentionally trying to kill yourself over this because what would that say to him? To me? To his family?”

She makes a point and one that’s hard to accept.

I’m willingly doing this to myself.

Steven died in an accident and I’m willingly giving up.

“You need to get help before you unintentionally do what Alexa tried to do. Then what?”

She’s right. Then what?

I consider her words and I’ve known this for years. Only now it’s starting to hold a different meaning because if I don’t, I’ll lose what I have right in front of me, if I haven’t lost it already.

Cash.





It takes me hours of fighting with myself before I decide it’s time to try.

It’s not hard to find Cash. I know where he’s at so I walk the mile from Jackie’s house to Canby High School’s football field later that night. Sure enough, he’s there in the bleachers. Drinking. I’ve never seen him drink this much, but lately, every time I see him he has a beer in his hand.