First Times： Nine Tales of Innocence Lost(40)

Back in my room, I spread out on my borrowed bed and stared at the ceiling until I fell asleep.





***





All during Finals, I was a mess. I guess every college freshman is like that. When it was over I was left in a daze. I knew, on a very deep level, that I was okay, that I passed everything, that it was all good. I was still a wreck.

Thankfully, it’s all electronic. I watched my grades flow in the following week. I didn’t just qualify to keep my scholarship, I made the Dean’s List. I got a B- on my math final, and it was all thanks to Todd. Everything else, A+. I was so happy I could barely stand it. You’d have thought I was the one having the baby from the way I floated around the house.

Lilly was still working. Todd worked at home.

We were around each other a lot.

I don’t know when I first noticed that he would be in the kitchen whenever I was, or that he bumped into me in the hallway a lot. I didn’t get out much during the first week of the break, or the one after. He noticed, because on the Monday of the third week, he came knocking at my door.

When I opened it I wasn’t expecting him to be twirling his car keys.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey?”

“Why don’t we get out of here for a while. I need to clear my head.”

I shifted back and forth on my feet and bit my lip. His eyes locked on my lips for a second, then snapped back up to meet my gaze in a heavy, purposeful way, like he wasn’t looking and wanted to make it clear I wasn’t looking.

“What?” I ventured. “Like a date?”

He shuddered a little. “I don’t think my wife would like that,” he said it with a smirk, “but I need some air and you seem awfully cooped up in here.”

“Sure,” I shrugged. “Give me a minute to get ready.”

I met him in the kitchen. It was chilly but not really cold and I dressed for the weather. Her flicked the ball hanging from my hat.

“This is my cunning hat,” I said.

He snorted. “Kids these days. Come on.”

I got in the car. He didn’t look at me as he pulled out of the driveway. Only when we were away from the house did he start sneaking glances. The heater was running and it was curl-your-nose-hairs hot, so I unzipped my poofy coat. I only had a t-shirt on underneath.

“I owe you one,” I said.

“How’s that?”

“I passed that exam because of you.”

He shrugged. “I don’t know about that.”

“The statistics section was a quarter of the test. I’d have flunked without your help.”

I twisted in the seat. I made sure I was wearing a pair of tights. I’d seen him looking at my legs. I folded one over the other and cocked my hips to the side.

“I was wondering if I should repay you.”

“Repay me how?” he swallowed.

“I don’t know,” I said. “There must be something I can do.”

He laughed. “I just need some companionship. I’ve been on my own a lot lately. Lilly doesn’t have much to say to me these days.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said.

“Yeah, yeah. We’ll get it together. She has a lot of stress at work and she’s just…” He sighed.

“What?”

He teared up a little. He pulled off the road and just sat there.

“She won’t let me touch her. I don’t even try for sex anymore, I just want to hold her and she just pushes me away. She won’t even let me touch her shoulder. It’s like my wife has left me. I don’t know what to do.”

I put my hand on his leg. I meant it as a comforting gesture, but I felt a shiver pass through him. My fingers brushed a bulge under the denim, and I drew back and covered my hand with my mouth to quiet my gasp. He was looking at me, hard.

“I’ll take you home. This was stupid.”

He reached to put the car in drive. I put my hand back and slit it towards his groin. I could feel the outline of his erection tucked down his pant leg.

What are you doing?

Lilly’s husband. My sister’s husband. The way he looked at me, touched me. The way he looked at me now. My nipples were tight hard points straining against the fabric of my shirt and he was looking right at my chest. He licked his lips again.

Then he took my arm and pulled me close. His scent overwhelmed me as his hand slid under my jacket, pressing against me, separated from my skin only by the thin fabric of my shirt.

“Why?” I whispered.

“I don’t know.”

“Is it because I look like Lilly?”

Part of me wanted him to say yes. Yes, you’re as beautiful as her, as smart, as.

“No, it’s because you’re you. God, I’m awful. I couldn’t stop looking at you from the day you moved in. Your legs just go on and on.”