Fashionably Dead Down Under(72)

He had seen most of me, but he hadn’t seen the pathetic child who still longed for her mother’s love. I wasn’t sure I could take him knowing.
“I have seen her. I’ve seen her in your mind and that’s why I don’t want you to put yourself through that again,” he said quietly, staring at the ceiling. “I love you—all of you. The little girl inside you breaks my heart. If you go . . . I will go with you. Period.”
“Okay,” I whispered. “Okay.”
“Put your hands on my back,” the General instructed. “This will not hurt . . . much.”
***
General George was right. It was far less violent than my last trip to the Basement. Ethan looked a bit shaken up, but he wanted to come. Oh crap. I glanced down at my outfit and cringed. I should have changed into a dress before seeing my mother. While I loved the vintage jeans, combat boots and fitted black t-shirt I wore, I knew she would not find me up to snuff. Although I didn’t even think a designer ball gown would help much in this instance.
I recognized where we were. It was the same place I’d ended the Demons. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel sick . . . I actually felt peace with what I had done.
“Are you ready?” George asked.
“No, but that doesn’t matter.” I stepped toward the crevasse. The lights wailed and bounced. “How do I find her?”
“Call to her,” he said.
Could it be that easy? Would she just be a light or would she look like my mother? I hoped if she looked human, she wouldn’t be on fire. Fuck, this wasn’t a good idea.
“If you’ve changed your mind we could . . . ”
“No.” I cut George off and took two steps closer to the flames. I was amazed that the heat of the blazing fire didn’t affect me. I searched for a happy memory of my mother from the past and couldn’t find one. Was I a classic abuse victim coming back for more? Maybe, but I wanted one last try to make her hear me. I didn’t need her love anymore, but I wanted her to know I loved her—as damaged as she was.
“Astrid,” Ethan called from behind me.
My hand flew up to stop him. This was my battle and mine alone. “Mother?”
Nothing.
“Mother?” I called again. Wait. What in the hell was I thinking? She didn’t like being my mother. In life she rarely let me call her mother. She didn’t want people to think she was old . . . “Petra, it’s me—your daughter. Astrid.”
The fire grew wilder and I was tempted to step back, but I held my ground. I was certain it couldn’t hurt me. The soul lights screeched and moaned and then went silent. It was so abrupt, I gasped . . . and then she appeared. Her beauty was undiminished, but bright orange burning embers clung to her. She was completely naked, but the only part of her that wasn’t blurred with red haze was her face. She twisted and writhed as if in pain, but she smiled. Was she happy to see me? My heart lodged in my throat.
“Hi,” I whispered.
She stared and said nothing. I wasn’t sure she knew who I was. The other souls darted around her, but stayed silent.
“What do you want?” she demanded in a voice tinged with insanity.
That was an excellent question. Now that I faced her, I was no longer sure.
“I wanted to see you . . . to see if you were all right.” My voice sounded child-like and timid. I gouged my nails into my thighs to punish myself for still needing her to want me.
“How do you think I am?” she hissed. “I was meant to lead—to rule. He promised me,” she screamed. Her body became clearer and I realized she was covered in profusely bleeding cuts. I put my hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t cry out. Her formerly perfect outside was now as damaged as her inside.
“Have you seen him?” she asked with excitement. “I’ve been waiting for him to take me out of here, but he’s late.”
“No,” I said, trying to swallow back tears. “I haven’t seen him.”
“He’ll come back and this time I’ll behave. I’ll kill everyone he wants me to and I will behave,” she promised. She panted like a dog and swatted at the soul lights. “Leave me,” she shouted at the flickering souls. “I’m talking to a woman who knows my lover. She will help me escape.”
“Do you know who I am?”
She narrowed her eyes and tilted her head. “Of course—you’re the one I should have killed when you were born. My lover wanted me to, but there was an old woman who kept saving you. I killed that bitch.” My mother’s laughter rang in my ears and my stomach churned. My nana had saved me in so many ways that I never even knew. The woman who floated before me was an abomination. She was pathetic and evil.