Exiles in America(147)
had been showing him the ropes and invited the guy back to his place one
night for a beer; one thing led to another. “He was aching for it. I could tell as soon as he came in the door,” Carter said. He wanted to “do” the guy again,
but the guy pretended nothing had happened, even as he avoided Carter at
work. Carter wanted to punch his face in.
“So you see, Doctor, anonymous is better. Because men are liars. Married
men are the worst. They hide in marriage. Marriage is nothing but one big lie.
Love is a lie. Monogamy is a lie. I may be a shit, but at least I’m an honest
shit.”
3 3 6
C h r i s t o p h e r B r a m
Zack often disliked Carter, but today he actually hated him. He hated him
so much that he couldn’t speak for a long time. Finally he said, “You don’t be-
lieve that, Carter. You’d like to believe it, but you don’t. Let’s quote Lacan
again. ‘There’s no such thing as a sexual relationship.’ Meaning sex is always
about something else.”
Carter sneered. “Only for losers. Only for wimps. For real men, sex stays
in the dick and it doesn’t go upstream.”
f 2
The next day was Thursday, and Zack called Elena before he drove out to
Eastern State. There was no answer, only the machine. He left a message
telling her he would call again after work, but she could reach him on his cell
phone if she needed to talk. Most of the morning was spent in the weekly staff
meeting, where Roy got into a heated exchange with Aquino, the resident,
about his overreliance on older drugs, like Thorazine. Zack was glad that he’d
advised against hospitalizing Abbas. A quick stroll through the wards per-
suaded him an emergency stay would only turn Abbas permanently against
them. He decided it was a good sign when Elena didn’t call.
That afternoon Jocko had an appointment at the vet. It was nothing seri-
ous, only his annual checkup, but Zack and Daniel needed to go together—
Jocko got suspicious if only one human got into the car with him. Zack drove
and Daniel sat in the passenger seat, twisting around to chat with the anxious
dog. Daniel was still brooding over the other night but was perfectly friendly
with Jocko.
“How old are you, Jocko?” the vet asked the grinning dog, who stood on
his examining table. “Ten years, huh? I’d never guess it. You must live a very
happy, active life.”
On the ride home Zack decided to risk the subject. “Did you talk to Abbas
at school today?”
“No,” Daniel said indifferently. “He wasn’t in.”
“Really? Does he often skip Thursdays?”
“Yeah. Sometimes. His big class is on Tuesday.”
He sounded looser, calmer, and Zack saw a chance, an opening. “Look.
Daniel. I apologize for the things I said the night before last.”
E x i l e s i n A m e r i c a
3 3 7
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I had no business telling you—”
Daniel said sharply, “I told you, I don’t want to talk about it.”
Zack recognized Daniel must feel guilty for the things he had said, al-
though Daniel probably believed he was only angry about Zack’s words. They
would need more time before they could fully apologize.
“Uh, can we swing by their house?” said Daniel. “We’re not going to stop.
Call me neurotic. I just want to see if they’re home.”
“Sure. I don’t mind.” Zack could’ve explored this with a few questions,
but he decided to keep it simple. “Only it’s not neurotic, it’s just human
worry. And superstitious. Like knocking on wood.”
They came to Chandler Court, and Zack turned left, steering carefully be-
tween the brick posts at the entrance. It was already dark, and there were no
streetlights back here. A few isolated windows shined in the tangle of bare
dogwood and crepe myrtle.
“I had no business getting into a fight with you the other night,” said
Daniel. “I still don’t know what that was about. Which is why I don’t want to
talk about it.”
“Okay. We can wait. We can talk about it later.”
Zack swung the car to the right, toward the Rohani house. The structure
had disappeared in the black grove of cedar trees. The lights were off. The
Saab was gone. The Toyota’s headlights swung over a dark front porch and
blank, black windows.
Zack stopped the car. He sat with the motor running, staring at the house.
He switched to the high beams, and the house became fully visible, looking
even emptier.
“Maybe they went out to dinner,” Daniel said quickly.
Zack opened the car door and started toward the porch. Two tall shadows