Errors of Judgment(84)

It was when he turned to look at her that she realised how fake it was. She could see it in his eyes. She let his plausible words, all the bogus self-justification and whining protestations wash over her. She felt unutterably weary. Enough, she told herself. Enough.

She let him finish talking, then stroked his arm. ‘Forget what I said. Let’s eat supper. I’m hungry.’ She got up and went to the kitchen. She picked up her glass of wine and emptied it into the sink, got the rice out of the cupboard and put plates to warm in the oven. Behind her she could hear Vince, cheerful now that he was off the hook, rabbiting on about things Ossie and Quills had done and said, examining the navel fluff of his empty, useless day.

He came through and picked up the bottle of wine to refill Felicity’s glass.

‘It’s OK,’ said Felicity. ‘I don’t fancy any more to drink tonight.’

‘That’s not like you. Hey, you’re not …?’ Vince grinned, raised his eyebrows.

‘No,’ said Felicity. ‘I’m not.’ She stared at him for a moment. That he could even think that would be a good thing, a reason to smile – it put the lid on everything, finally, once and for all.

As they ate Vince’s Thai green curry, Felicity asked casually, ‘You done any Christmas shopping?’

‘What kind of a question’s that? You know I’m skint.’

‘Just you need to get your mum something nice. She’ll be expecting it.’

Vince nodded. ‘She’s asked us round there Christmas Day.’

‘Lovely.’ If there was one place Felicity did not intend to be on Christmas Day, it was Denise’s house. She added, ‘Tell you what, I get paid Friday. Why don’t I give you a bit of a loan and you can go and do some shopping up Westfield? Get your mum a handbag or something.’

Vince mused. ‘Yeah, all right.’ He finished his curry, then added, ‘I’ll pay you back. When I get fixed up, I mean. I reckon I’ll find a job in the New Year.’

‘Yeah.’

He leant across and kissed her, then sat back replete and comfortable. ‘I did the cooking, your turn to clear up.’

Felicity’s face was inscrutable as she cleared the plates away. When she came back, Vince was skinning up a large spliff. She watched for a few seconds, thinking about the amount of money he must spend every week on dope.

He lit up, took a long drag, then handed it to Felicity. She shook her head. She badly wanted to feel the curling warmth of the skunk slowing her mind, letting her cares leach away, till nothing mattered. But she knew if she was going to see this through, she had to detach herself, stay hard-hearted and clear-headed.

They lounged on the sofa together, watching television. Vince smoked the spliff down to the end, then got up and poured himself a large vodka. ‘Sure you don’t want one?’ he asked. She shook her head, eyes fastened on the TV. Normally by this time they would have smoked a joint together, and would be starting to neck more booze, and she would be curled up lazily, hazily in his arms. A little bit of her ached for that. She got up and went to wash the dishes. Then she sorted out a neglected basket of clean washing, and did some ironing in the bedroom, listening to Capital FM.

She went to bed early and read for a while. It was a long time since she’d done any reading. Before Vince had moved in she’d been getting through a book a week. She became so engrossed that she was still reading when Vince came through, pulling off his T-shirt, scratching his chest and yawning. ‘Thought I’d join you for an early night.’ He sat down on the edge of the bed and plucked the book from her hands, then leant in to kiss her, his hands sliding beneath her pyjama top to caress her breasts.

Felicity pulled away. ‘Not tonight. I’m not in the mood.’

‘Not tonight, Josephine,’ murmured Vince, and wandered to the bathroom. Felicity picked up her book and carried on reading, her nipples tingling from his touch.

Once in bed, he tried again, but Felicity elbowed him away gently, and carried on reading. Vince lay back, blinked, yawned, tried to talk a bit, but the dope and the booze got the better of him and he fell asleep in minutes.

When she heard the regularity of his breathing, Felicity switched the light off and lay in the darkness, thinking ahead. She had no idea how the next week was going to play out, but she was determined that by the end of it, Vince was going to be out of her life and her bed for good. Her stomach lurched with fear. What if she couldn’t do this? Then she thought of what Leo had said. He was one of the few people in the world whose opinion she really cared for. She wasn’t going to let him down, or herself.