Errors of Judgment(82)

Felicity’s eyes grew suddenly bright with tears. ‘Oh, Christ, don’t be nice to me.’

‘Is it to do with Vince? Henry mentioned something about him coming out of prison.’

She let her gaze meet Leo’s, and nodded. ‘He came out last month. I was never going to get back with him. Somehow it just happened. He’s there in my flat. He’s there right now. My little flat that used to be so nice, and he’s turned it into a tip.’ Felicity told Leo the whole story, how manipulated she felt, and how she couldn’t seem to find the strength to alter the situation. ‘He keeps saying he’ll get a job, but he doesn’t. If I have a go, he just laughs. It doesn’t matter how angry I get, he thinks I don’t mean it. It’s like – like punching wet lettuce. Or like one of those dreams where you’re trying to get somewhere, and it doesn’t matter how hard you try, you’re running on the spot, getting nowhere. I feel completely helpless, and it’s all my fault, because I still fancy the hell out of him, and he knows it. Like he’s got some sort of hold over me. I hate myself for being so weak.’ She shook her head. ‘You probably don’t understand.’

‘I understand all too well. I know what it’s like when someone has that effect on you. Your life isn’t your own. The only time you can think clearly is when you’re away from them. Then you make all kinds of decisions, promises to yourself about how things are going to change. But as soon as you’re with them again, your plans vanish into nothing. You might as well have never made them. And the knowledge that you keep failing yourself just compounds it, takes you lower and lower.’

Felicity nodded, her eyes fastened on Leo’s face. ‘That’s exactly how it is. And you know what? I never even wanted him back in the first place. Rachel was right. She told me to lay it on the line to him from the start, tell him he couldn’t go making assumptions that things were just going to automatically go back to the way they were. But what did I do? I let him waltz right back in and plonk himself down. I must be the weakest person I know.’

‘Do you love him?’

‘No. That is, I do and I don’t. I mean, I know he’s no good for me, that in the long run he’s just going to fuck up my life as well as his.’ She glanced at Leo. ‘It’s got a name, that – hasn’t it?’

‘Codependancy, I think. Something like that.’

‘Yeah? Well, he knows just how to play me, the buttons to press, my weak spots.’

‘We’ve all got weak spots. But you really need to find some strength. You know this relationship is disastrous, and you need to sort it out. You have to ask yourself – how is this going to be in six months’ time? Am I going to let this guy run my life, jeopardise my career …’ Leo paused, catching the look on Felicity’s face. ‘You know it could happen. It’s obvious your work is suffering because of your personal life. Nothing major, so far, but with the kind of work we do, mistakes can have huge repercussions.’

Felicity buried her face in her hands. ‘I know.’ After a moment she looked up. ‘I feel like I’m in some kind of self-destructive nightmare. Like you said, I can decide here and now that he’s got to go, but when I get home, it makes no difference. The same old shit, over and over.’

Leo drained his coffee cup. ‘Then you need to take drastic action. Change the locks. Wait till he goes out, collect all his belongings and put them outside, and never let him back in.’

Felicity contemplated this unhappily. ‘How would I work it? Even if I could get him out of the place long enough to change the locks, he’d come back and talk me round.’

‘Only if you let him. That’s where strength of will comes in, and I can’t help you there.’ Leo contemplated her despondent face. ‘But as both a friend and an employer, I have to say – you can’t go on like this. One, you’re making yourself wretched, and two, you’re in danger of doing yourself out of a job.’ Leo knew this was a hard thing to say, but he also knew instinctively that Felicity needed something to stiffen her spine. Maybe fear would give her the gumption she needed to get rid of this waste of space of a boyfriend. He hoped so.

She gazed at Leo, stricken. ‘You’re telling me I need to sort myself out, or else.’

‘I am.’

‘OK.’ She nodded. ‘OK.’

Leo touched her hand gently. ‘Good. See you back in chambers.’

Felicity worked throughout the afternoon in tight-lipped silence. Everyone tiptoed round her, sensing her mood. Henry shot her surreptitious glances now and again, wishing he knew what was going on in her head. At six o’clock, as he was about to leave, she was still tapping away at her keyboard. He went over.