Errors of Judgment(103)

‘It’s interesting that you work in the law,’ said Sergei. ‘It is one of the institutions I admire most in your country.’

‘You should visit the law courts some time,’ said Leo.

‘I would like that,’ said Sergei. ‘Maybe you could show me around?’

‘Maybe I could,’ said Leo. ‘Shall I give you my number?’

‘Please.’

They exchanged phone numbers. Leo was just wondering how to detach Sergei from his friends and invite him back to Chelsea, when Sergei suddenly said, ‘I have to go. I have rehearsals in the morning.’ He rose with exquisite grace, gathering up his jacket and kissing a hand to his friends. ‘Spokoynoy nochi, malyshi.’ He turned to Leo. ‘And goodnight to you, Leo. I hope we meet again.’ The promise in those large, lovely eyes was unmistakeable.

‘I hope so, too,’ replied Leo. He watched him go, wondering if it would look too crass to follow him; wondering, too, if that was what Sergei intended. As he drained the remnants of his drink, trying to make up his mind, Joshua seemed to read his thoughts.

‘No point in going after him,’ he murmured. ‘He really means it about the rehearsals. I’m surprised he stayed up as late as he did. A dedicated professional.’

‘It was the last thing on my mind.’

‘Really? Remember, you’re talking to someone who knows you very well.’ Joshua surveyed Leo, thinking how little he had changed in five years. The features were still sharply handsome, the gaze of his blue eyes still intense, and even the silver hair wasn’t ageing – quite the opposite.

‘You think so?’

‘Of course I do. And no one changes. Not really.’

‘You have.’ Leo lifted his glass, then realised it was empty.

‘Have I?’ Joshua seemed happy at the prospect of talking about himself. ‘Have another drink. I’ll buy.’

‘Thanks. I’ll have a Scotch.’

Joshua went to the bar. While he was waiting to be served he considered the situation, remembering the hold he had once had over Leo. It had been fun for a while, wielding so much emotional power, with such easy material gains. Leo had everything – wealth, status, possessions – yet it had been Joshua, with nothing to his name but some scrappy artistic talent and superb good looks, who had been in total command of the relationship. But the affair had eventually taught Joshua a strange truth – that freedom, even when it meant hardship and uncertainty, was better than the ease and comfort of belonging to someone you didn’t love. Not that he hadn’t been fond of Leo. Looking back, he wished he’d been more appreciative of the efforts Leo had made. Or at any rate, kinder to him. With several relationships with older men behind him – and the tender, fretful concern of a certain middle-aged choreographer hovering somewhere even now – he had a better understanding of what impelled their generosity.

He took the drinks back to the table and sat down.

‘So, tell me how I’ve changed.’

‘You’ve grown up. That is to say, you’ve lost the charmingly ingenuous air you once had.’

‘You mean I’m not naive any more.’ Joshua meant to be lightly sardonic, but Leo took the remark at face value.

‘Evidently not.’

Joshua was conscious of being looked at critically by Leo – it was a new experience. Only in that moment did it occur to him that Leo was no longer in love with him. Why would he be? It was just that his youthful vanity had expected it.

‘Don’t you think you played a part in my loss of innocence?’

The ghost of a smile crossed Leo’s face. ‘That was lost well before you knew me. Why do you think you ever said hello to me in the first place? I wasn’t talking about your heart and soul. I was merely talking about your expression, your features.’

At these words, Joshua’s hand strayed unconsciously to his face. He stroked his chin, gazing reflectively at Leo, working on what he had said.

‘I’m not so very different.’ The flicker of anxiety made him look vulnerable, younger.

Leo was suddenly struck by a vivid memory – Joshua in his leather jacket, holding the rucksack hastily crammed with his belongings, turning round in the doorway to look at Leo before shrugging off his hand and leaving, walking out of Leo’s life for good.

Leo swallowed his whisky quickly. He had no wish to revisit that pain. ‘Not so very. I think I am, though. Not so good at these late nights. I have to go.’ He stood up. Joshua looked at him for a hesitant few seconds, and Leo could tell from his face that he was rapidly debating whether there was anything to be gained here. ‘There’s one thing about you that hasn’t changed, Joshua. You still have a beautiful transparency.’