Down and Dirty(53)

“Come on, Cat. I just wanted to protect you.”

“That’s the problem. I don’t need protecting.” Her green gaze was clear with resolve. “You think because you kept me from choking or bandaged my knee that I need you to take care of me all the time? I hate to break it to you, but I wouldn’t have needed saving if you hadn’t been there fucking my head all up. And I don’t want the man in my life assuming he knows what’s best for me. I need a companion who wants to have dinner followed by some good sex, then sort of do our own thing so I can get back to taking over the world, solo. That’s not you, Shane.”

She jabbed a finger in his direction, her voice breaking. “You fill up the room, even the corners, until there’s no space for anything else. When I’m with you, I can’t think of anything else. It’s a short trip from there to me staying home knitting booties for fun instead of skating roller derby. I’m terrified that I’ll start to like your protection, and I’ll wake up some day to find my bucket list, wrinkled and yellow, stuffed in the back of a drawer next to my dusty nunchucks. Trust me, it’s better that we realized it now before there’s nothing left but resentment and regret.”

He could feel his jaw tense and again considered trying to stay this discussion until the next day, but he couldn’t help himself. “That’s bullshit.”

She drew back, a little of the fire back in her eye. “Really? And what’s bullshit about it? It’s always been this way, even when we were young.”

“I’m so sick of you throwing that in my face. Do you have any idea how hard that was on me? I wanted you so badly, it was all I could think about. But I made a promise to your brother that I would watch out for you. I keep my promises. Always.”

“Fine then, you want to tell yourself that’s all it is? Fast-forward to present tense. We’ve slept with each other twice and you’re already squashing me again. I’d say that’s a pretty good indicator of things to come.”

He let out a snort of disgust. “You can downplay it all you want, but we’re not two strangers who banged after a night at the bar a couple of times. I know you have feelings for me and I sure as shit have feelings for you, which is why I didn’t want to see you hurt. It’s called caring about someone.”

She jerked her head around to gaze out the side window, but he wasn’t having it. “Fucking look at me,” he growled.

She turned to face him again, teeth clenched.

“I’d never ask you to give up doing the things you love or to stop crossing things off your bucket list. Those are the things that make you you. I just wanted to shield you from some pain. Is that so wrong?”

She didn’t roll her eyes, but she didn’t need to. Her hand was on the door handle, and she was clearly mentally checking out of this conversation. He yanked off his seat belt and pulled at his coat zipper.

“What are you doing?” she asked with a frown.

He struggled out of his coat sleeves and then pulled his shirt over his head. He jabbed a finger at the symbol tattooed on his shoulder. “I got this last year, to commemorate five years on the job. Five years of triumphs. Five years of failures, and believe me, those stick with you.” A familiar pain welled up as he remembered some of the tougher ones, but he pushed past it. “I’d rather cut off my own arm than have you go through that. The thing is? My job also makes me realize how precious life is. That’s what made me want to come home and be with family.”

A fat tear dripped down her cheek to her mouth, and she licked it away.

“And that’s what makes me a hundred percent sure that being with someone you love is worth fighting for, no matter the risks.” He took her hand and squeezed it, but she pulled away.

“Where is this talk about love coming from?”

Her voice had gone shrill and her eyes wild. He knew that look. Cat prepping to run for it. “If I hadn’t been drinking that night, we wouldn’t even be here right now,” she said. “All we know is that we’re sexually compatible. Nothing else. I’ve been doing a lot of things that make it seem otherwise, but I’m being one hundred percent real with you right now.” She pulled the door handle and it swung open, letting in a blast of cold. “I don’t want to be in a relationship like this. I don’t want to be a wife. I don’t want to be a mother. I don’t want to want this. This has got to stop, or I’m going to lose my mind. Just because we have great chemistry doesn’t mean we’d make a great couple.” She unlatched her seat belt and started to get out of the truck.