Devlin UnLeashed(58)

I cleaned up the chaos, adding minor abrasions with the shards I carelessly picked up. I embraced the pain. When I poured alcohol over them, I clung to the wicked burn and savored it because at least in that moment I knew the pain was real. I knew I wasn’t being absorbed by the black hole in my mind while my body roamed recklessly.

I woke that morning in a fugue state. The sun bled through the shades, bringing with it the cutting reality that I’d chased away Juliana. And just as I suspected from the beginning, the shit completely shattered me. I spent years convincing myself to stop looking for her. Months jerking off to the image of her that replayed in my head. She took with her something that could never be replaced by another woman.

And I’d tried.

I glanced down as Jessica worked my cock in and out of her mouth. I was hard. It felt fantastic, but I could never get over the edge until I shut my eyes and imagined Juliana.

“I love you, Devlin.”

Fuck… shut up.

I knotted Jess’s long blonde hair in my fist, pushing her lips further down the length of my cock. I needed her to shut up. Those words pierced me in the heart, and coming out of her mouth, they sounded vulgar. A taint to the only example of love I’d ever had.

She moaned, groaned, and made every effort to conquer me.

But you couldn’t conquer a man who’d long been defeated. You can’t come in during the aftermath of war, long after the victor has left with the spoils, and expect to find treasure.

I was fucked before Juliana whipped in and out of my life. Now I couldn’t focus, couldn’t get rid of the memories or voices. Things got blurry in my head too often. I spent my life pretending.

Pretending I didn’t miss my mother.

Pretending I could be the man my father raised me to be.

Pretending I didn’t need to feel.

And now, as I sat in my chair in my top of the line office with a sexy blonde on her knees, I pretended I was the king of the world and this was good enough for me.

Jess cupped my balls, her hot tongue gliding up the underside of my cock, over the tip, and then she licked my balls, sucking the tightened sack into her mouth.

I watched her like an observer outside my body, feeling all the sensations, but not connecting. The fucking hollowness of it all made me angry. At myself. At Damien. At Juliana.

I shut my eyes, pushed my head back against the chair, hands cupping her face as she swallowed my cock. My body tightened and my heart raced as Juliana’s face flashed in my mind’s eye. Her smile, those striking hazel eyes I’d lost myself in every single time. My body jarred as she whispered I love you in my head.

My orgasm was explosive. It rocked me, brought me back to life, because for that one moment, I had her back… I had my heart back.

I felt her climb into my lap—her warm wetness against my groin, breast pressed against my chest, and her lips at my neck.

“I love you, Devlin.”

I breathed heavy breaths, my eyes still tightly shut, clinging to a mirage I knew would disappear any moment. I moved my finger over her pussy, my fingers easily gliding into her wet heat. She writhed and moaned as I worked her. I felt her tightening around my fingers and scream my name in rapture.

In my head, Juliana smiled at me, wiggled her eyebrows playfully. I swept my hands into her hair and whispered, “Juliana,” as she faded into the shadows of the past.

I blinked my eyes open to find Jessica naked, with a satisfied flush on her face that didn’t match the deep frown on her lips. I slowly slid her off my lap, stood up, and collected my clothes.

“Devlin?”

I ignored her as I stepped into a black pair of slacks. My black shirt was a little wrinkled, but I still pulled it over my shoulders.

“Devlin?”

I glanced at her over my shoulder.

“I can’t keep doing this,” she sighed. Her arms were crossed over her breasts, and the angry glare assured me where this conversation was headed.

“Then don’t.” My empty stare only made her angrier. She started yanking her clothes on and fixing her hair. I took a seat behind my oversized mahogany desk with the city of Boston as my backdrop.

“What the fuck do you want from me?”

“Nothing,” I answered honestly.

“What we just did wasn’t nothing.”

“You offered.” I raised an eyebrow, daring her to contradict me.

She looked up at the ceiling, maybe asking God to help her in this situation. If she really knew me, she’d know God didn’t help those who dealt with the devil. Especially those who fucked him.

She took a few calming breaths before approaching my desk. “When are you going to let her go?”

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

“That? No, her. You need to talk about her. She betrayed you then walked away. She was a self-serving bitch and—”