Dear Professor(49)

But it wasn’t. It was my professor. He who made me feel such heightened anger, such intense lust, such crazy determination. He who, ultimately, was not mine. I was his, but he was not mine.

It was inconceivable to think of such a thing. That itself was proof of the craziness. After all, a week ago, I hadn’t been able to stand him. I’d hated him so passionately that it’d been consuming. Now… Last night…

Last night, there had been something else there. Something I didn’t understand but something I recognized. I wanted to know what it was, but that was dangerous.

I was failing in my plan to blackmail my way out of the blackmail.

I should have known not to fight fire with fire. It was like showing up to a machine gun battle with a water pistol.

Maybe it would be easier to forget about it. Tell him to go ahead and tell everyone what I am. Abandon the revenge plot and let go of his…wife.

I had sex with a married man.

I was a horrible, horrible person. I needed a slap on the back of my head with a rock.

Guilt settled low in my stomach as I dragged myself off my bed. My feet hit the ground with a heavy thwack, despite the fact that I was wearing fluffy socks. I thought the sound fit my mood perfectly.#p#分页标题#e#

As well as the guilt, I felt humiliated. The worst part of it was that the only person I’d been humiliated by was myself. I’d made these choices. I’d carried them through. I’d allowed myself to be put into all of these situations, and now, the consequence was a heavy dose of self-loathing.

I tugged my tank top down to cover my stomach and shut my bedroom door behind me. The house was as quiet as it always was on Saturday mornings. Everyone was up late on Friday nights, usually including me.

Never mind that it was past ten a.m. and my own sleep had been plagued by dreams of me and Jordan being caught. People catching him kissing me on campus, his wife appearing out of nowhere in the bedroom. In one, a faceless shadow had burst out of the closet, and I’d woken up in a cold sweat.

I grabbed the mail from the mat and checked through it. Nothing for me, so I put it on the side table instead for someone else to sort.

Hey. I never said I was a good housemate.

I filled the coffee maker with water and stuck a mug under it. As the machine whirred to life and sputtered my energy source into the bright-red cup, I leaned forward on the sink and looked out the window. Rain pounded against the glass, and the trees in the yard swayed with the wind.

Huh. Even the weather matched my mood.

I bet at least one of those raindrops was a terrible slut. Ah—yep, yep. There she was, sliding down the glass windowpane and mating with three before hitting the windowsill.

Raindrop gangbang. Little water-based whore.

I sighed heavily and pushed off the counter. My coffee was done, so I shut the machine off, added cream and sugar, then stirred. The rich scent relaxed me slightly. Enough that I felt like going to the front room instead of my bedroom.

Bella was curled up in the corner of the sofa with her nose in a book. She glanced up with her soft, brown eyes when I walked in. “Hey. You’re up early.”

“So are you.” I sat down at the opposite end of the sofa and hugged my coffee to my chest. “What are you reading?”

She wrinkled her face up. “Some smutty book. It had great reviews online, but eh. I’m like over a hundred pages in and I kind of just want them to fuck now.”

Bella, the great romantic.

“Sounds fun.”

“Are you all right?” She dog-eared the page and shut the book. “Jenna told me about…you know.”

“Of course Jenna told you. She couldn’t keep a secret to save her life.”

“Not with me. You didn’t do your show here last night, right?”

I smacked my lips together and looked down. “No.”

“Were you with the guy?”

I didn’t answer her.

“You were!” She gasped and swung her book at me.

I knocked it out of her hand. “Keep your voice down!”

“I want to know everything,” she demanded, putting the book on the coffee table and hugging her knees. Excitement glimmered in her dark eyes. “Come on, Darce.”

“I don’t want to gossip, okay? It’s not gossiping stuff. Not for me. I just want to pretend it never happened.”

“You had sex, didn’t you?” she whispered. “That’s why your cam cut out last night!”

“No. That was a connection problem.”

“Connection problem my ass! Nisha called to see if there was a problem with the lines here, but you were the only one out.”

Fuck it. “Yes, okay? But she thinks it was, so let’s keep it that way.”