Darkest Before Dawn (A Guardian's Diary Book 1)(46)

I hated that the pain was still there, even after all the time that had passed. I put her aside; renounced her, yet every time I caught sight of the woman, it was like rubbing an open wound with salt. Time may have lessened the desire I had for her, but the pain of her betrayals still stung. I swung again, only to catch sight of her naked flesh as she started to remove her gown.

I turned and had to keep my emotions in check, one slip and she would think I still struggled against the desire I had once felt for her. There was no way I would touch that viper now. It was bad enough to know what she had done; now, I was witness to her whoring ways. She got more cock than any of the camp followers and made sure I knew each time she accepted a new lover betwixt her legs.

Her creamy breasts became fully exposed and I clenched my fist with the need to pinch her nipples, hurt them. I have become dark with my needs, hating to be touched, or touching others. Fucking is one thing, but I no longer accept the same whore into my bed twice. I use them, and discard them quickly. Feelings are nothing more than a weakness, as I learned with Astrid.

I wanted our child, an heir to raise and love, and she’d killed him. He had been in her way of being fucked by every cock that held any value back when we were human. I stepped closer, and then reminded myself that I made her immortal, and I made that choice. She is my reminder as to why I should never trust, why I should hold myself back and take my time assessing a situation from all angles and why I have to hold my anger in check and not do anything rash. I renounced her in a fit of rage and Shamus saved her life by claiming her; redirecting the bond I had tried to sever. After what she pulled with the wolves, I would have killed her—no—should have been allowed to kill her. Now she runs amok and I have no say. Instead of reining her in, Shamus seems to find her lunacy amusing.

I can already feel my cock growing with the need to carnally punish her. She knows it. She can read me easily as she pushes the skirt from her hips and moves toward me. I shake my head, warning her that I want nothing to do with her. She smiled calculatingly. Her direction changed and she walked to one of her many lovers, one of Shamus’s captains. Her long nails dug into his shoulders as she pushed him to his knees and then gripped his hair. She shoved his face between her legs, and he obeyed with enthusiasm as her servant watched them.

Sick fuck would do anything to fuck her, but he lacks the tools to get the job done. I turned and left the bitch with her lover, and made my way to the camp followers. It will take more than one whore to get me off tonight.

I wanted to scream at what I was being forced to watch. It was sick! It was demented and I was jealous of some camp whore who he was going to use, and I was him! I blinked and in that time, I was transported again.

I shook my head as the landscape changed and I looked around a bloodied battlefield and then down at what was impaled on my blade.

A child of no more than ten winters lay bleeding, with a gaping wound in his chest.



“Is it not enough to kill the men, but now he would have us slaughtering children?” I demanded as I turned to Shamus as he ran is sword through the boy’s protector. Smoke poured out of the destroyed manor nearby. In this memory, Shamus was dressed like a knight from the Middle Ages. It came to my mind that the dead were Normans that had been systematically invading England. I should have been standing with the king. Harald Hardrada, supporting his conquest of the north; however, our sire was Anglo-Saxon so we were here in the south, carrying out his will.

“Dead sons never seek revenge, Jaeden.”

“He was no more than a lad, one who wouldn’t even remember us being here when he grew to be a man,” I argue.

“It’s been nigh over a hundred years since you lost your son, and yet you still blame Astrid for killing your seed. You hunted down the midwife responsible for assisting her, and removed her head. Your anger with her had nothing to do with the vow of chastity you’d taken, but everything to do with what she’d done to gain the lovers. What do you think that noble’s son would do to the monsters that removed his father from his throne when he becomes a man? By killing this child, you’ve prevented him from hunting us. Do not blame me for this choice, for I, like you, follow orders. We were ordered to kill his bloodline, and so we have.”

“You think he’d come after us? He is naught but a child!” I growled angrily.

“A child who would seek us out. Get it together and let it go! You would also be wise to release your dispute with Astrid. I have taken that traitorous bitch wife of yours to stop the issue you have had with her; she’s in my protection for now.”

“I released her for a reason,” I snapped.

“Oh aye, you were a hot-headed neophyte yourself who rashly released her. Not realizing she could run to our enemies. You would have regretted killing her, maybe not right away, but you are not as cold as you think. What she has done is unforgivable my friend, but if you had killed her, and you would have, you would have lost that last little shred of your humanity, and we need it.”

“What she did to me, to our child, what she continues to do to torment me— deserves to be taken from her flesh every day for the rest of her miserable existence.”

I blinked at Jaeden and the shower room came back into view, and then I pulled further away from him. “Get out and don’t come back, Jaeden. I don’t have time to deal with you and your crazy ex-wife today. I have to bury my people, which, to me, is a lot more important,” I whispered through the pain. I was pushing him away and we both knew it.

“I’m sorry that she drugged and deceived you but I’m not sorry that I fucked you. She’s been warned from touching you again. Shamus has taken her with him south,” he ran his fingers through his tousled hair. “I’m sorry you saw that, but I didn’t show you those memories, not voluntarily, I would never have wanted you to experience that. You can’t be completely human if you are able to do that, so be careful of who you touch. I’m putting Cayla on watch whether you want it or not. She’s a little out there, but she’s good in a fight. I know you don’t want me right now, and I’ll give you space. But I told you, Emma, that this thing between us would be unlike anything you’ve ever known. I want you, and that didn’t go away just because I fucked you. You’ll get your time to think, but I have found that patience isn’t something I have very much of with you.”

I watched him as he walked out of the shower room, and his footsteps faded down the hall. I tried for hours to push him from my mind, but even as I stood in the cemetery with wolves guarding us as night descended, I thought of nothing but him. I thought of everything I’d seen in those memories, and wondered why I had been shown them. It felt as if I’d been given that vision for a reason, but it was beyond my grasp to know exactly why. They could have been moments he felt remorse over, but who was I to say to say if he had?

I had to consider the fact that he wasn’t human, which was insane. He told me he wasn’t like that anymore, but could I believe him? Nothing made sense, and everything was wrong. I headed to my room in a numb state, but he was there, sitting on the floor against my bed, with no shirt on.

“I’m not leaving this room until you understand a few things. One, I’m very old and I’ve done a lot of shit that was bad. I never said I was a good person. Not once. I do what’s needed and often. Many of those memories were moments where I was caught up in bloodlust, and while I can’t say it didn’t happen again and often, I can tell you it hasn’t happened in more than a century. I’m sorry about the people who died here. The innocent dying is something I don’t relish. I get that you probably don’t want me here, but I’m not leaving until I know you’re all right.”

I wasn’t sure how much I could trust him right now. I got that he was trying to help me, but seeing him like that had been a wake-up call. He wasn’t human and vampires were not romantic; they could kill you! Like freaking dead style, really dead, you get my meaning.



“I can’t do this with you, not today. Not right now, after everything that’s happened.”

“Fine, but this thing between us isn’t finished. As I said, I’m not done making you scream for me, and the thing between me and Astrid? She killed that a long time ago.”

“Jaeden, right now I only need to be held, not fucked. I lost friends today, ones who depended on me to keep my head, and protect them. You’re a distraction I just can’t afford.”

“Emma, I’ll hold you. Come,” he said as he moved over and held his hand out to me. I crumpled against his wide chest and let the tears loose that I’d been trying so hard to hold at bay, and even though he remained silent, his arms and hands gave comfort and his silent support.

The moment my eyes closed, I had nightmares about his past life, and in the middle of the night, I had to ask him to leave. It was too much, too soon. He wasn’t free of evil doings and right now, I needed time to think of what I’d seen, and how to get past seeing it.

He had done some pretty horrible things, and yet he hadn’t done anything that wasn’t understandable or forgivable considering what he had seen and experienced in his life. I didn’t know the context of why or how he’d been doing those things in the memories, only that he had. I needed to consider my next step, and concentrate on securing the shelter and protecting the people in it.