Dark Promises(28)

She halted. Put a hand to her mouth, found her fingers were trembling and bit down on them in an attempt to still them. To stop talking. He didn’t want to hear her. He didn’t want to see her. Whatever transgression she’d made, and she could admit in his eyes she’d made a huge one, he didn’t want to hear what she had to say.

She hated being Carpathian. She couldn’t just take off because she didn’t know even the basics of caring for herself. Her sister was gone all the time so there was no asking her. And then that stupid, stupid war with the faction of Lycans that wanted to destroy Lycans and Carpathians both. She hated feeling incompetent. She had stayed longer and longer in the laboratory, and she knew she had clung to being human more and more as time passed. How could she not? No one took the slightest interest in her or treated her as if she was worth anything other than Gary.

“Aleksei.” She whispered his name. She had too many sins on her soul already and she didn’t know if she deserved them or not.

She knew Gary was in trouble. She couldn’t save him. She was responsible, and she couldn’t save him. Now this man, innocent in the entire horrible mess, was going to die as well. Because of her. Because of her inability to adapt.

She sank to her knees. “Don’t do this.” She whispered that as well.

How had she messed up her life to this point? She wept inside for Gary. Sorrow pressed in so deep she could barely see with the tears in her eyes. She could barely breathe with tears clogging her throat. But still. There was Aleksei. There had to be a way to save him. She didn’t want to think too hard on what that way would be.

Are you willing to share your life with me? Your body with mine? To give yourself to me? In order for us to be lifemates, these are the things that have to be.

She licked at the small laceration in her lip. These are the things that have to be. Was she such a coward she couldn’t give him those things to save his life? Would it be impossible? She closed her eyes, feeling the caress of his hands on her skin. Her body reacted, coming alive, just as it had done earlier. As if it had a life and will of its own. To share her body with Aleksei would be such a betrayal of Gary.

She closed her eyes. She had blamed everyone for this mess, but she’d chosen to be Carpathian. She bit her lip again, shaking her head. Her sister, Joie, hadn’t been Carpathian and she’d still been a lifemate to Traian. She’d been human. Gabrielle squeezed her eyes closed tighter, not wanting to face the reality of what was happening to her.

She didn’t understand the lifemate bond. She only knew it was intense. Very intense. Very sexual. Very everything. Lifemates were always together. And the men were very domineering. The women didn’t seem to mind, in fact they usually just rolled their eyes and did what they wanted, but the male Carpathians scared her.

Gabrielle took a breath. The life frightened her. The violence. The blood. The intensity of their lives. She was such a coward. She had seen vampires up close. Her entire body shuddered. They weren’t the only enemy. She touched her back, down low, where her kidneys had taken the knife slicing through them. The pain had been excruciating. And then the Lycans had come. She wanted her safe world back. The cocoon of her laboratory where she could hide away. Gary would have given that to her.

She covered her face with her hands as realization dawned. She loved Gary with all of her heart because he would have given her exactly what she wanted. Not what she needed. What she wanted. She wanted to hide away. Be safe. Be happy. No bumps. No scares. Just a sweet, easy journey through life.

Joie and Jubal could easily handle their mother’s intense meltdowns. Her father just shook his head and grinned. When she was young, Gabrielle hid under the bed, her fist jammed in her mouth, her heart beating hard. When she was a teenager, she learned not to say a word. She would disappear in her mind. When she was an adult she hid herself in work. She hid. Period. From everything and everyone. Including herself.

Hiding had led her to this moment. To the possible death of two good men. She was a researcher, and yet she hadn’t asked any questions about life as a Carpathian. She hadn’t lifted a finger to acquire knowledge when knowledge was her world. Why? That alone should have raised a red flag for her.

Gabrielle wrapped her arms around herself and began to rock back and forth, trying to soothe herself. Trying to think what to do. She was intelligent. Highly intelligent. She couldn’t save Gary, and that tore at her. Ate her up. Left her grief-stricken with that terrible weight of guilt pressing squarely down on her. But what about Aleksei?

Truthfully, he terrified her. He was violent. Dangerous. Definitely domineering. He would expect her obedience. Her loyalty. Her participation in blood exchanging. In—well—everything. Her body did another shiver, almost of anticipation. Her mouth craved his taste. Her body craved his touch. What did that make her when she loved Gary? How could she want another man when her heart belonged to someone else?