Dane(93)

"The last memory I have of him was when my mom packed up our things and we left. He was supposed to be at work and we had borrowed the neighbor's car. I'm sure we didn't just borrow it because we never returned it. But I will never forget us backing out of the driveway and my dad driving really fast down the street. Then the neighbor-the one who gave us her car-stood in the middle of the road. Her hands were held out in front of her and she was pointing something at him. Looking back now, it was probably a gun, but I'll never know for sure. It was the only thing that kept him from chasing after us."



       
         
       
        

She shifted in her seat, but avoided my gaze. The pain was etched across her brow and she kept her mouth in a straight line, even though her lips periodically trembled.

"After that, we spent a few nights in a hotel room. It was nice because my mom let me watch whatever I wanted on the small TV. I watched I Love Lucy with Mom curled up at my side. We only stayed there for a few nights before we moved on to somewhere else. And then somewhere else. I can't even count all the places we stopped, but we jumped from town to town. Staying at motels until the money ran out. I didn't know what was going on, but I remember going from having food to not having any. My mom went from being happy and loving, to crying all the time and pushing me away." She paused and wiped a tear from her face.

I reached out and held her hand, encouraging her to continue. I was surprised that it had taken her all these years to tell me these memories. These things from her past that had haunted her and forbidden her to move on. I wanted to ask her why she never mentioned it before, but I didn't want to chance that she'd revert back into her shell. It had happened so many times over the years that it was hard to imagine our conversations ending differently.

"Then there came a time when we started staying in shelters, and we no longer had the car. Mom said the gas was too expensive. We were lucky enough to find nice places to stay-some had clothes for me to wear and keep. A few of them even had boxes along a wall inside that had personal hygiene items, and some even had toys. I didn't pick a toy. But that year for my birthday, my mom gave me a baby doll. She was so excited because she hadn't been able to get me anything for Christmas a couple months before. I looked at the doll and knew it was from the box in one of the shelters. But it didn't matter where it had come from, because the look on my mom's face when she gave it to me meant everything."

For as long as I'd known Gabi, she'd portrayed her mother as a monster-a title I'd recently seen the validity in-so hearing her speak of the loving, nurturing side to her mom made me feel as though I was listening to stories about a stranger. I had a hard time wrapping my mind around the Marie from Gabi's childhood and the woman who ignored Gabi's cries for help as being one and the same.

"It was always just her and me," she continued, "until she met Peter when I was fifteen. She had gotten a job working the same hours I attended school, and I guess she met him then. He lived a town over from us and asked my mom to marry him pretty quickly. My mom was so excited. I hadn't seen her that happy since she gave me that doll. I was happy, too, because more than anything, I wanted a family. I'd dreamt of one for so long that I thought God was finally answering my prayers." 

The smile immediately fell from her lips and the light in her eyes dimmed. I knew what came next in this story, and I didn't want to hear the details. What I already knew would haunt me forever, and I almost stopped her from continuing. I didn't think I could hear it. I couldn't handle listening to her relive what came next, but I knew it had to be said.

"It took one week for Todd to start saying inappropriate things to me. It started off with weird stares and accidental brushes against me. Then one night he was out at a party and came home late. He came into my room and woke me up." She shook her head vigorously, as though she could shake the memory from her mind. "I had never even been kissed before, but that didn't stop him. I cried and cried, begging him to stop, but he ignored me. Once it was over, I went to the bathroom and threw up."

Tears burned the backs of my eyes, her pain embedding itself into my chest.

"I told my mom about it, and it was the first time in my life I felt betrayed by her. The first time I looked at her and didn't recognize the person in front of me. I kept those instances to myself after that, and Todd kept doing it. It didn't happen all the time, but enough that it made me wish for death. Then I met you, and I thought you could save me. I wanted to tell you so many times, but I always chickened out."