Damaged and the Beas(2)

"I go to work at eight and come home around four. I have my meetings and friends I spend time with. I won't be around a lot. I can't chauffeur you around, but there's a bus stop down the street. I got you a bus schedule, and you can make it to school with two busses. Three for work. The schedule is on your dresser."

"Thanks, Mom." 

We shared another awkward embrace and then she sighed. "I'll need your rent by the first of next month. Your grandma told me you would pay half, so I moved into a bigger apartment."

"I'll have it by then. I'm sure I'll get the job. If not that one, I'll find another one."

Amy stepped back, wanting to leave. "Get settled in."

Once she disappeared into the kitchen, I shut the door and looked over my room. It wasn't tiny, but it was tight. Yet it was all mine.

I'd never had my own room before, and it felt great to stand there knowing I didn't have to share. Grinning while I unpacked, I couldn't believe I was finally on my way to becoming the new Farah. An educated woman rather than merely the daughter of losers. I loved my parents, but they made bad choices. I intended to do the opposite for the next four years, so I could get my dream job and build the life I had always wanted.

As the sun set and I ate a bag of chips because there wasn't much food in the refrigerator, my excitement faded a little. As much promise as this move brought, I was scared. I'd never slept in a room on my own, let alone been away from Tawny for so long. Mostly, I had never been normal, despite how much I pretended. Here I could be anyone, but I wasn't sure if I was strong or smart enough to fool anyone.





Chapter Two


I started the next day by acing my interview and landing the Denny's job. Next, I visited the local bank to make sure I could access my nest egg. Three years of tips were saved for school, and I'd need them to pay for school supplies. Waitressing would pay for the everyday stuff, and I was thrilled how everything was falling into place so quickly.

After a bus ride from the bank, I reached New Hampton College. It was prettier than in the online pictures. Very green with large old trees lining the pathways. It felt fancy even if it was a small college providing mostly for the local kids. I nearly hyperventilated a few times out of sheer excitement. In third grade, I vowed to go to college and become a teacher. Now I was on my way.

I handed in all of my paperwork, spoke with a counselor, and checked over my schedule. Ready to start on Monday, I explored the campus. Even though I was alone in this place, I felt a sense of true accomplishment. The thrill was so great that I didn't let myself get bothered by how most students were with family and friends. They all had support systems, and I had Amy, who barely acknowledged me that morning.

Locating my classes so I wouldn't get lost on Monday, I sized up the other girls and how they were dressed. I wanted to fit in and was happy to see how casual everyone appeared. Most girls wore their hair down even on the hot late summer day, so I planned to do the same. My dream was to disappear into the crowd and never stand out.

The final stop was to pick up food at a grocery store near the apartment. My mom's tastes were particular and she claimed to eat at work a lot. Buying as much food as I could carry back to the apartment, I settled in with a sandwich in front of the television.

When my mom arrived, she stared at me. "Did you get the job?"

Realizing she was nervous about paying for the apartment by herself, I nodded quickly.

Amy smiled with relief. "It was nice to upgrade to this place. Your grandma paid for the deposit and first month, but a two bedroom apartment is pricey on my salary."

"The Denny's manager has me working evenings Monday through Thursday. I'll probably pick up extra shifts too. I can get you the money for next month's rent."

My mom gave me the first genuine smile since I arrived. While I wanted to think she was proud of me or happy I was there, I suspected she just liked having a nicer apartment. After fiddling around in the kitchen and making approving noises about how I'd bought my food, she disappeared into her bedroom. A half hour later, she reappeared, ready to go out.



       
         
       
        

Aunt Tess swore Mom was clean. She also claimed Mom didn't date. While I didn't think my mom was going on a date in the outfit she was wearing, Amy was definitely going somewhere nicer than McDonalds.

I didn't ask, though. I was afraid to know too much and realize my mom and I would never be close. I really hoped with enough time that we could slowly re-build our relationship. Even doubting this hope would come true, I still held onto it.

Mom stared at me for a minute. When I finally met her gaze, she smiled awkwardly. "You're not one to hold grudges, right?"

"No, Mom."

This was the closest we would come to discussing the reason she hadn't been my mother for five years. That was how it worked in my family. We didn't discuss things. We didn't hash them out. A rather impressive fact for two families filled with drunks and addicts.

My mother's side of the family was known as sullen drunks. Moody, broody, silent. We didn't talk about ugly things. We swept them under the rug where they could fester. On my dad's side, we were known as violent, yet incoherent drunks. We screamed about football teams or who voted for what crappy president. We never discussed ugly stuff even while screaming over the most minor infractions.

When Cousin Jesse got caught touching a little boy, we didn't talk about it. When Cousin Jesse disappeared, we acted like he'd taken off for a job. We all knew the little boy's family "disappeared" him, but there was no reason to hash out such ugliness.

When Cousin Pauline killed herself, we pretended she accidentally took too much pain medicine. Could happen to anyone. Nothing to see there. Move on.

When bad things happened like five years ago, no one talked about it. No therapy, no discussion, no hashing out the ugly. We ignored the problem, and it went away. My dad took us away from our mom and ditched her in a shithole in Oklahoma because they just didn't click anymore. Nothing more to the story.

I knew my mom was thinking about the ugly thing from five years ago, but she didn't say anything, and neither did I. Even if I wanted to shrug off the Smith/Jones ways, I wasn't sharing with my mom. What the hell could she say anyway besides sorry? Then she'd turn it around and claim I attacked her for merely mentioning how fucked up she had once been.

"Have a good night," Amy muttered, no longer nervous.

After she had left, I dug my phone out of my backpack. While Dad had given me a cell phone, my grandma was the one who put more minutes on the account. I hoped to make enough money soon, so I could call Tawny all the time. For now, I was just happy to hear her voice.

Tawny answered on the second ring. Her voice was quiet, and I suspected she was scared. 

"Are you alright?" I asked immediately.

"Yes. I'm alone in a motel, though. I'm not used to being alone."

"Where's Dad?"

"I don't know."

We said nothing for a few seconds and then my sister spoke. "I miss you."

"I miss you too."

What's it like there?"

"It's pretty. Lots of trees."

"Is Mom's apartment small?"

"It's okay."

"Do you have your own room?"

"Yeah."

"Is it really small?"

Realizing what Tawny was asking, I said, "We can share a bed. Do you want to come here?"

"I don't know. Dad says Mom can't handle having you and me there. He says she doesn't want a minor in the house."

"I've got a job already. Once I have enough money, you can live with me."

Tawny exhaled and I knew she was ready to cry. She and I had spent every day of her life together. When Mom and Dad had their drama, Tawny and I were together. When we didn't know where the family would sleep at night or if we'd eat dinner, Tawny and I were together. When that ugly thing happened five years ago, Tawny and I were the only ones who knew how ugly it really was because we'd been together. Al-ways together, but not anymore.

"Soon, Tawny," I whispered, afraid to speak too loudly and jinx us. "I'll save as much money as I can and get my own place. It's pretty here, and you'll like it."

"I miss you," she said again.

"I miss you too."

Silence lingered because without the ability to talk about the bad stuff, we really didn't have anything to talk about. Dad was likely tense with keeping himself hidden. Since Tawny hated school and had dropped out at sixteen, she was around a lot for him to dump crap on. She couldn't tell me about this though because talking about her loneliness and fear was ugly. Ugly meant silence, so we sat there for a while.

"We're in the same time zone so maybe we can watch TV together?" I suggested.

"It'll be expensive."

"I'll get a good phone plan and call you every night I'm not working."

"I miss you," she said, crying now. "I miss you."

Long after we cried ourselves into silence and hung up, I thought about those three words. I imagined Tawny in a dump of a motel in the middle of no-where. Scared and alone, she had no one to talk to or trust. Even though I was building something new in this place, nothing would be good until my sister was with me.





Chapter Three


The first day of classes was overwhelming. Though I tried making friends and people were nice, it was all superficial stuff. I noticed many of the students already knew each other. They had friends and didn't really need new ones. Before I started feeling too left out, I remembered it was the first day.