Creators(32)

When I got past the idea of you, the projection of everything I was told would undo me but only made me, I was a goner. Because when I learned about the girl who sat on my bed with me, traveling to the worlds kept from us, I knew I would never love anyone else.

I always imagined that when you went off to the community, you would love again. I would never blame you for seeking happiness. I want you to have it so badly. But just as I knew you would find it, I knew there was no other for me but you. I’m sure I sound like one of the characters from some long-ago-outlawed novel, but why not love like them? Why not love forever? I have always been told that love is a weakness, but I think it is my salvation.

But they mean to take these memories from me.

I have tried not to write about these moments. I have been worried what they will do to you if you ever read these letters. Only, I fear what these moments are doing to me. I try so hard to fight back, but the council, as you know, is strong. Their strength does not come in the way their armies move across the lands, though that in itself is a force to reckon with. Rather, it comes in the way they control our minds. I believe that is the true danger.

So, I will write these dark moments here. In case I cannot fight them off. In case they take you from me. I want you to know I fought, and what they are capable of.

They have abandoned the notion of trying to talk you out of my brain. They had even stopped showing me the propaganda videos. They have moved onto newer, more specialized tactics.

These are the people who created me, Tess. They cooked me up in a lab like I was a three-course dinner. Kendall picked my hair color, my weight, and size. He played around with my brain to try and foster my ability. They molded me into a fighting machine. So, they will do what needs to be done to keep me.

The creators are my God, and I am supposed to bow to them.

Their methods are torturous. A few mornings ago, they tied me down to a gurney and wheeled me into one of the headquarters’ labs. Without any kind of sedation, they inserted a wire up through my nose. They shoved and shoved until the cord, which seemed to come alive on its own, attached to my brain.

I know they wanted me to scream out, but I held it together. I thought back on you. I was saving you. At least the you that exists in my brain. So, I gritted my teeth and bore it. But that was only the beginning of the procedure.

Two of the creators watched a tiny screen, which beeped and blipped at them. Somehow through the machine, they could read when I was thinking of you. Perhaps it was my accelerated heartbeat or some chemical being released, but every time I reached for you within my mind, the pain came.

All kinds of pain. The first time it was an intense wave of nausea. It almost felt as if my stomach was turning in on itself. It was so strong I was sure I was going to vomit all over myself. Still, I did not cry out.

I searched my mind for another memory of you. I thought of the first time we kissed. How you so hesitantly asked me if I wanted to kiss you. How long I had dreamed of the words. I never thought it would actually come true.

As I thought of that bliss, that moment I will treasure as long as I am still me, they started the second round. This time it was as if my nose had been broken. I swear I even heard the crack. I couldn’t help it; I gasped out. One of the doctors smiled at me. The sight of his pleasure at my pain called forth what strength I had left inside.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I let every memory I had ever shared with you rush upon my mind. I lavished in them. Despite the pain in my nose, I couldn’t help but smile. The machine blared wildly, signaling that this would not be an easy battle for them.

Then came the third round of pain. Slowly, they broke every bone in my body, snapping and splintering like trees caught in an angry storm. I managed to lift my head up to scope out my injuries. To my utter astonishment, every bone was perfectly fine.

They had used the wire they attached to my brain to make me think I was feeling these things. The second I started to feel better, they began the process again. Nausea and broken bones.

This went on for hours. Until it happened.

I don’t even want to write it. I am so ashamed. I have betrayed you, Tess.

The last time I went to think of you, I stopped myself. Your image came into my mind, and I shut you out. I forced you away. My body tensed and cringed, trying to shield itself from the pain they would fool it into feeling.

But after I shut away thoughts of you, they stopped. They pulled the wire from my nose, and they were done with me.

The next day I held out a little longer. I had spent the previous night preparing myself. But the day after that, I lasted a little less. And the next day, I gave in even quicker.

This has gone on for one week. Today, I didn’t get past the nausea.