Count On Me(82)
“Goodbye Kayden.”
Those lips of hers, so soft, I imagine it’s what lying on a cloud feels like, come to rest on my forehead and before I can reach out, grab her and make her stay with me, she’s on her feet again. Her back is to me and she’s walking away.
I’m completely blasted off my ass and I probably won’t remember all this in the morning, but I do know one thing I’m never going to forget, no matter how much I drink tonight or where I go from here.
I’ll never forget the sound of her voice as she tells me goodbye.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Belle
The strangest thing happens to me when I hear Kayden yelling from outside.
Mom gets up from the sofa, more than ready to go to the door and handle it, but I don’t let her. I stand in her way, blocking her and don’t back down until she sits down. When she’d gotten to the door after the game, I had no problem letting her take control, but something is different this time.
She can’t do this anymore.
I’m seventeen years old and just like Ms. Taylor told me before she dropped me off, I’m smart and I deserve better. For so long I’ve stayed in this comfortable little place inside of myself where none of their words could touch me. Somewhere along the way, the walls I constructed broke down because I became flooded with all the awful words, taunts and physical pain they put on me.
That can’t happen anymore. It’s time to face it, this time without any walls up and put an end to it once and for all, whether I can speak the words or not.
When I opened the door and came face to face with him, I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I know I wanted to get rid of him, get him back home where he belongs, but anything else, I didn’t plan. The first thing I noticed about him wasn’t his eyes or the way he’s dressed, but how he smelled.
People make fun of me all the time for the accidents I have and as hard as having them is for me, I do understand what people find funny about it, even if it’s mean. It’s why one of the things I heard on the tape, didn’t hurt me as much as it should have. Going to school with me really is like going with someone in Kindergarten.
Kayden, smelling like he bathed in alcohol for the past three hours, might be worse than all of my accidents combined. It’s such a strong scent that I have a hard time even looking toward him because of the way it floats toward my nose. If I breathe that smell in for too long, I’m actually scared I’ll end up being the one that’s drunk, not him.
He yells at me to look at him and something inside me snaps. I’m not sure if it’s just everything that’s happened these past few weeks or the glazed over look in his eye as he’s yelling, but I’ve had enough.
I start pushing at him, shoving as hard as I can, trying to get him away from me. I want him away from the house, away from my mom and Tristan, who despite everything he’s heard tonight, still loves Kayden almost as much as I do. I want him back in the house of horrors he lives in across the street and I never want to see him again.
When he finally falls, that’s when I break. I know I want him away, but seeing him on the ground that way, I worry that I hurt him. He laughs so loudly there’s a second where I think I’m watching the hyena exhibit at the zoo and not a real person. That’s when the stupid tears start falling. There’s something about the way he’s laughing and it’s aimed at me that rips me apart inside.
We’re no good for each other. We never have been. I was going to use my time at the dance to tell him that and it’s there again, the need to do it. He’s sitting on the ground in front of my house, drunk, because of everything I’ve put him through. It’s further proof that he deserves someone better.
I need to let him go.
So when I slide down onto my knees and touch his face, I do the only thing I can do, in order to do the right thing by him. I lean into his forehead, close my eyes and place my lips to his skin, saying my own private goodbye, before standing and saying the words out loud, the way they need to be.
What I’ve been suffering with all of these years, not being able to talk, almost seems like it’s lifted in that moment. I have no fear about the words I’m about to say. In fact, for the first time in a really long time, they seem like the right ones. My heart isn’t beating out of my chest; it’s slowed to a dull crawl. I’m secure with this, knowing it’s what needs to be done. There can be no looking back.
“Goodbye Kayden.”
It’s only when I’ve walked completely away from him, back into the safety of my house with the door shut behind me, that I wipe the tears from my eyes and make my way up the stairs to my room. Where I might have looked through the window to make sure he got home safe before, I don’t do that now. I can’t. This time, a goodbye has to mean goodbye, even if it hurts me deeply to do so.