Christmas Nights(28)

Janie fell asleep with Travis beside her after he sent her body and mind hurtling through intense pleasure. She woke early the following morning. Bright sun fell through the window across the bed. She was getting used to waking with him. She loved the feel of his muscled body beside hers and the heat he emanated. Even in sleep, he exuded pure masculinity. She traced the hard planes of his chest with her fingertip and wondered how to gain a foothold on her sanity again. Because what she wanted was starting to frighten her. She wanted all kinds of things she’d never let herself hope for—nights like last night every night, the comfort of knowing Travis would be here always. She couldn’t lose herself in this. She was no longer afraid Travis would suddenly show her a different side of himself. That she didn’t doubt. Yet, years of carefully guarding her heart and making sure she didn’t hope for anything had created a powerful narrative in her mind—one that didn’t include allowing herself to be vulnerable to any man. She’d thrived within the independent life she’d created for herself, a life where she felt fulfilled, enjoyed being able to rely on herself and nurtured her relationships with family and friends. It had never felt like less than anything, and still didn’t. Yet now, Travis took up so much space in her heart, body and mind that it worried her.

Later that afternoon, Janie was busy cleaning. It was Saturday, and she was doing what she usually did on Saturday—chores. Unsettled with how comfortable she was getting with Travis, she’d brushed him off this morning and insisted she had other things to do when he offered to take her and Stella out for breakfast. Stella had sulked briefly about it, but she’d quickly moved on to texting back and forth with friends. After cleaning the house, Janie tossed the trash and recycling in the back of her car and headed off to swing by the dump. She stopped her car at the top of the hill on the way out of the dump’s parking lot. Only in Alaska could someone consider going to the dump a scenic trip. Eagles were posted on every tree and any other possible resting spot. They swarmed the dump for scraps on most afternoons. Her eyes landed on an eagle stationed atop a boulder at the base of the drive into the parking lot. The eagle turned its head slowly, its sharp eyes landing on her. The regal bird quickly decided she wasn’t worth staring at and turned its head away again.

She looked beyond the highway to Kachemak Bay. Wind gusted forcefully today leaving the surface of the water choppy. The mountains on the far side of the bay were topped with snow, offering a stunning view of the jagged peaks against the bright blue sky. Looking out over this familiar view called to her heart because it was home. It settled her inside. Her gut had been churning with anxiety since last night. She needed to re-establish some sense of internal control when it came to Travis. At this moment, she felt calm and rational. She’d back off and slow things down. It was what she needed, and it was the smart thing to do for Stella. She didn’t want to barrel into this relationship with Travis without considering Stella. Stella was already getting attached to him, and Janie didn’t even know where things might be going with him, or how he might feel about any of it, including her ready-made family.



Travis kicked the snow off of his boots and stepped through the main entrance to the fire station. He quickly grabbed the shovel tucked by the door and stepped back outside. Within seconds, he’d cleared the snow that had already started to pile up in front of the door. A fast-moving snowstorm had rolled in last night, and they were still in the thick of it. He made his way back inside and aimed straight for the break room, pulling his phone out to check it out of habit. It had been almost a week since he’d had a night with Janie, and he was about half-crazed because of it. It wasn’t that she wasn’t talking to him, it was that she dodged every attempt he made to try to see her. He’d texted this morning before he left to see if he could stop by tonight. As of yet, no reply from her.

He walked into the break room and strode right to the coffee pot. He didn’t even look and started to lift it when he realized it was empty. “Dammit!” he exclaimed to no one. With a sigh, he set the coffee pot down and started to get another batch ready.

“Dammit what?”

Travis glanced over his shoulder to see Sylvia entering the room from the other side. “No coffee. You spoil us, so when it’s empty, well… you know how I feel,” he said with a wry smile.

Sylvia reached his side and nudged him out of the way. “Sit down. I’ll get this.”

Travis didn’t argue and sat down at the table nearby. Sylvia quickly started the coffee and then sat down across from him. She was quiet, although her mere presence was comforting. Sylvia functioned as a quasi-mother to all of them in the station. As such, with him feeling off kilter at the depth of his feelings for Janie and her recent dodges of him, he could use a dose of Sylvia’s warm, motherly presence. He ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. Sylvia stood and tugged the coffee pot out, quickly pouring him a cup before putting it back to allow the pot to finish filling. She slid it across the table to him as she sat down again.

“Figured you could use the strongest bit. Cream is right there,” she said with a nod to the small container in the center of the table.

He quickly poured a dash of cream in his coffee and took a gulp. Sylvia angled her head to the side. “You don’t look too good. Are you okay?”

He considered her question. He didn’t know how to answer because everything he was feeling inside was entirely foreign to him. Up to now, when he was having a rough day, it was usually based on the mundane annoyances life tossed out. In many ways, he’d led a charmed life. Beyond his family and close friends, no one had gotten close enough to him to rattle him in this way. As a firefighter and emergency responder, he’d witnessed his share of tragedy and loss, yet those tragedies and losses had belonged to others. He’d witnessed the emotional tidal waves that rocked lives, but he’d never really experienced them for himself. He wasn’t equating a week’s avoidance from Janie as anything like an actual tragedy, yet his emotional unsteadiness was so startling, he didn’t know how to deal with it. He missed her acutely and realized for the first time what it meant to care this deeply for her.

He took another gulp of coffee and met Sylvia’s eyes, lifting a shoulder in a half shrug. “Depends on what you mean by okay.”

Sylvia stared over at him, her eyes considering. She sighed and leaned back in her chair. “This must have something to do with Janie.”

Travis ran a hand through his hair and nodded. “Bingo. This is all new for me. I’m all out of whack and it’s just because I haven’t seen her in a week. It’s nothing major, but she’s always got a reason she’s busy. I feel stupid saying it out loud, but…” He gulped down more coffee and stood to refill his cup.

“You’re not stupid, you’re in love,” Sylvia said plainly.

He almost dropped his coffee, tightening his fingers around the cup at the last second before it fell loose from his grip. He turned the idea of love over in his mind. Problem was, his mind didn’t help much, not when his heart gave a resounding kick at the mention of the word. He returned to the table, unsettled inside. He met Sylvia’s warm gaze, his heart pounding rapidly in his chest. “You think?” he finally managed to ask.

Sylvia smiled slightly, nodding slowly as she did. “Oh yes. If she were just a woman you were dating, this wouldn’t bother you in the least. You might wonder, but you’d carry on. You certainly wouldn’t be moping about the station, cranky and snapping at the slightest thing. You’re an easy-going guy and you’ve been blessed with a life that made you that way. That’s why it makes it hard for you to be so stirred up inside. You’re not asking my advice, but I’ll give it to you. If she’s brushing you off, be direct with her. My guess is Janie’s as thrown by this as you are.”

“You think so?” He didn’t want to hope Janie was as unsettled as he was, but it was a relief to think she could be. It might signify she felt something akin to what he did.

“I’ve known Janie her whole life. Like I told you before, watching what her mother went through with Randy did a number on her. No matter what, this will throw her as much as you.”

Travis’s radio crackled from where he’d tossed it on the table. A report came through about a fire up on the hillside. He stood quickly and guzzled his coffee. “Gotta go!”

As he reached the door, he glanced back. “Thanks for the advice,” he said.

“Always. Make sure you take it!” Her words reached him as he raced down the hall.

Many hours later, he pulled into Janie’s driveway. He’d called her on his way back from the fire. It had been yet another chimney fire. Early winter resulted in frequent chimney fires, more often than not caused solely by people choosing not to bother with cleaning their chimney. Janie had started to demur when he asked about stopping by, but he’d taken Sylvia’s words to heart, so he’d been direct and told her he wanted to talk. He rolled to a stop and turned the engine off. The snow had ended a few hours ago, leaving several feet of white fluff covering the landscape. He leaned his head back and gathered himself. He hadn’t a clue what to say, but he knew he couldn’t stand to keep waiting without making sure she knew how he felt. He’d had hours to think since his brief conversation with Sylvia. After they’d dealt with the fire, he’d helped clean the fire trucks back at the station, restless to do anything to keep himself occupied. The activity had kept him busy, but his mind hadn’t stopped churning with thoughts of Janie. He was struggling to contain the emotions barreling through him, yet he was certain Sylvia was right. He loved Janie. Now, he just had to find the courage to tell her.