Careless(9)

He unbuckles his belt, pulls down his zip, and shoves his jeans and boxers to the floor. I’m so far gone that I don’t take in the beauty of his naked body. I know I’ll regret it tomorrow, but right now I don’t care.

He takes a condom from his wallet and I know I’m supposed to feel relieved that he remembered, but I just don’t care.

When he’s done sheathing his cock, his fingers dig into my hips, and he lifts me against his body. The warmth from his skin chases some of the chill from my body. He wraps an arm around my waist to keep me pinned to him as he walks us to the bed.

When he lays me on the mattress, he follows, crawling up my body until he’s hovering over me. As I bring my hands to his sides, he lowers himself on top of me until we’re touching from head to toe.

He’s hard where I’m soft. He’s hot where I’m cold.

He’s the opposite of me in every way, and it’s exactly what I need.

“You’re going to hate me tomorrow,” he whispers while I see my grief reflecting in his eyes.

“Like you said, there’s no need to worry about feelings getting hurt. Let me hate you so I can focus on it, instead of the despair eating away at me.”

He presses a tender kiss to my lips. When he pulls back, he stares into my eyes with so much intensity it sucks me in until I fade away and there’s only him.

Jaxson West - the enigma with the body of an angel and the soul of the devil.

“If that’s what it takes for you to deal, then hate me, Doc. Hate me if it helps you cope.”

Our mouths collide and as his hand covers my breast, and I’m touched for the first time, I don’t revel in the feel of it. Instead, I feed off the hatred I’m supposed to have for this man. I hate him because I need him more than the air I breathe.

I need him to help me stay sane.

I need him to ground me as my world spins terrifyingly out of control.

“I need you,” I whisper as he bites the skin beneath my jawline.

His hand trails over my ribs and stomach and slips between my legs. This time feelings flutter to life in my stomach as his fingers explore me.

He leaves a trail of kisses from my neck back to my mouth. As he pushes a finger inside of me, his tongue mimics the actions, causing ripples of pleasure and relief to wash over my body.

I bring my hands to his face, and I fall in love with the scratchy feel of his five-o'clock shadow against my skin.

When I feel him position himself at my entrance, a nagging thought hovers in the back of my mind. I shove it away with brute force, not allowing my reality to rear its ugly head.

He pushes the head of his cock into me, and the uncomfortable feeling is welcoming. It forces me to focus on what we’re doing.

Jaxson breaks the kiss, and our eyes lock as he pushes another inch inside of me. He clenches his teeth as my body fights him, and my inner muscles try to push him out.

“Fuck, Doc. You’re tight.” He grinds the words out as if he’s losing control.

His eyes hold mine as he thrusts forward, breaking through my virginity. A sharp pain rips through my abdomen, making tears burn behind my eyes as I gasp for air. When he pushes in deeper, I whimper as the sharp pain increases. The physical pain is all I can focus on as tears spill from my eyes.

He thrusts in all the way just as I think I can’t endure much more of it. His body stills over mine, and I’m grateful that he’s giving me time to adjust to his size.

Everything is quiet as we stare at each other.

There’s no grief.

There’s no hate.

There’s nothing but this indescribable moment between us.

From the moment we met, Jaxson has only given me dark scowls and low growl filled insults.

Until now.

Now his eyes are gentle and filled with affection. He presses tender kisses against my mouth, accompanied by soothing words.

“You’re extraordinary, Doc.”

When a tear escapes his eye and drops onto my cheekbone, I finally break down and weep as he starts to make love to me. Our tears mingle with our kisses, and I straddle the thin line between hate and falling hopelessly in love with him.

“In another life, I could love you,” I whisper.

He rests his elbows on either side of my head and lifts his upper half off me as he starts to move faster. Soon the pain fades, and it’s replaced with pleasure. That’s the exact moment I become aware of every sensation.

The feel of being skin on skin with this man is incredible. Feeling him move inside of me is incomparable. Jaxson is my first.

I see wonder and sincerity in his eyes when he whispers so quietly, I would’ve missed the words if I weren’t looking at him.

“Don’t hate me forever, Doc. Meet me in another life so I can love you without you hating me.”

We find our rhythm and move together as our bodies grow slick with sweat. When I feel a tightening in my abdomen, I whimper with frustration. Jaxson quickens his pace, plunging deeper and deeper inside of me.

“Let go, Doc,” he grinds out.

Pulling out until only the head of his cock remains inside of me, he slams back in, rocking my body with the force. The tightening I felt a second ago unravels into a burst of light and sensations I never knew existed.

His mouth slams into mine as if he’s trying to devour the pleasure pulsing through my body. His body tightens over me and he shudders as he finds his own release.

When he stills against me, he doesn’t pull away but continues to kiss me tenderly. He brings his hands to the sides of my head and lowers his body against mine until I’m caged in by him.

This kiss feels different. It feels like a promise as if he’s confessing to caring for me.

When he pulls away, and our eyes meet, I realize the kiss was a goodbye.





Chapter 5



JAXSON





I meant it when I asked her not to hate me forever. I hope she’ll be able to forgive me one day. Fuck, I wish we had met under different circumstances.

I close my eyes as I pull out of her, hating that I can’t stay buried inside of her.

As I push myself up, I mourn the loss of feeling her skin against mine. When I leave her lying on the bed, it feels as if I’m ripping my breaking heart right from my chest and leaving it in her hands.

I dispose of the condom. Grabbing a washcloth, I hold it under warm water.

Leigh sits up as I walk back into the room. I press a kiss to the top of her head as I gently clean between her legs. Throwing the washcloth on the floor, I sit down on the bed. I pull her onto my lap and wrap my arms around her.

I close my eyes and say a silent prayer that I’ll be strong enough to let her go. She’s not mine to keep.

Breathe, Jax. Breathe past the pain. You have to do this for her. She deserves better than you. You have nothing to offer an incredible person like her.

I place a finger under her chin and lift her face until our eyes meet. I try to memorize the exact shade of her irises. I try to imprint the feel of her soft skin beneath my fingers.

I press my mouth against hers and taking a deep breath, I savor the taste of her. I fill my lungs with her scent.

And I let go.

We stand up, and a deafening silence fills the room as we get dressed. I take her hand and intertwine our fingers as I grab my car keys.

The drive back to the apartment is thick with loss.

The loss of her mother.

The loss of opportunities.

The loss of a future that might have been.

The loss of us.

When I park the car in front of the building, I whisper, “Wait here.”

I get out and walk around the car and open the door for her. I know it’s a little too late to be a gentleman, but I need to show her that she’s worth this kind of treatment, and not the way I’ve been treating her.

Anguish shadows her face as she gets out of the car. I take hold of her hand again and walk her to her front door.

I hear laughter coming from inside, and it makes me feel relief that she won’t be alone. Fuck, I wouldn’t have been able to leave her.

I pull her into a hug, hating that it’s the last time I’ll get to hold her waiflike body in my arms.

She wraps her arms around my waist, and her fingers dig into me.

“I hate you, Jaxson,” she whimpers.

I can’t keep the emotions locked down anymore. Tears spill over my cheeks and I let them fall.

I suck in a ragged breath of air as I pull my body free from her arms. Pressing one last kiss to her forehead, it physically hurts to turn away from her. My chest aches as I fight to keep my breaking heart from being sucked into a vortex of despair.

“I hate you for making love to me,” she says behind me.

Fuck. Fuck, I’m not strong enough.

The tears come faster as I rush down the stairs. When I get into the car, I slam a fist against the steering wheel, and let a shout rip from my chest.

She’ll never know she was my first kiss.

She’s the first woman I’ve made love to.

∞∞∞



LEIGH



After Jaxson leaves, a weird numbness settles into my bones, making my body feel heavy. I drag my feet and sluggishly open the front door.

“Hey, where have you been? I’ve tried calling you,” Willow says.

I try to blink the daze away so I can focus on her face.

“Leigh?” Concern clouds her face as she rushes to me.

“I have to pack. My dad’s coming tomorrow.”

That’s right. Focus on the facts.

“Dad’s coming tomorrow,” I repeat.

Jaxson made me feel.

“I’m going home.”

Never again will I see the warmth in his eyes.