Careless(15)
“Have you ordered yet?”
“Yes, and I got your favorite so you can sit.”
When I’m seated, I smile at her. Seeing her now, I feel much better than I did yesterday. Knowing that I can help Marcus makes a significant difference in the atmosphere between us.
“Marcus told me that you’re going to operate on him.”
She takes hold of my hand and gives it a squeeze. I can see the hope and gratefulness swirling in her eyes, and it’s all the thanks I need.
“How are you?” I ask, just wanting to catch up with my friend.
“Work is okay. I don’t get to design my own pieces yet. It’s a family-owned business, so there isn’t exactly room for growth, you know.”
“Can’t you find work at a fashion house that will allow you to make your own pieces?”
They call Willow’s name, and she leaves to collect our order.
“Thank you,” I say as I take a deep breath of the rich caffeine.
“I need the experience.” She takes a sip of her beverage which is some green tea concoction. “How have you been? How’s your dad?”
“He’s doing well. Still stubborn as hell.”
“And you?” she asks from over the rim of her cup.
“I finished my residency.” A memory flashes through my mind and I start to laugh. “The last time I visited you, you were right when you said we wouldn’t see each other for six years. I can’t believe how time has just flown by.”
“At least we kept in contact,” she says but takes a deep breath when her eyes well with tears. “I miss you. I didn’t realize how much I needed to see you until yesterday.”
“Me too. It’s really good seeing you again.”
“It was nice of Mia and Logan to get married in Marcus’ room yesterday. It meant a lot to him.”
“Yes. I didn’t expect to be invited. I felt a little out of place, but it was beautiful to see.”
I got to meet Danny and she’s just as precious as I expected her to be. I’m happy for Carter that he found Della.
It’s actually weird that I’ve grown closer to Carter than I am with Willow. I need to reconnect with my friend.
“Are you going to go with Marcus to California?”
“I have a meeting with one of the owners today, so I can ask for time off.”
“You’re welcome to stay at my place.”
“I’ll take you up on that.”
Our conversation feels stilted, and I miss the easy-going feel we always had.
“Remember when I came back into the apartment and I told you my mom died?”
“Yeah,” she whispers.
“I was with Jaxson that night.”
Instantly her facial expression changes from somber to curious as she leans forward.
“With him, or wiiith him?” She wiggles her eyebrows to emphasize the word.
“I slept with him,” I whisper as a blush creeps up my neck.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Leaning both her elbows on the table, she rests her chin on her linked fingers.
I must’ve pulled a face because her eyes widen.
“Was it that bad?” she gasps.
I start to laugh and shake my head. “Actually the opposite of bad. It was amazing.” I search for the right words before I continue, “You know I’m not good at expressing my feelings, but when I was with him, it felt so natural. It felt right.”
“What went wrong?” she asks gently, obviously seeing on my face that it hurts to talk about it.
“He was supposed to make me hate him, but instead he made me fall in love with him,” I admit the words out loud for the first time.
“I’m not following. Why was that a bad thing?”
“Because I didn’t just lose my mom, Willow. I lost Jaxson as well. It multiplied the pain and grief.”
It still hurts.
Shock flashes across her face, then it’s quickly replaced by anger.
“He walked out on you?” she hisses. “You should’ve told me, Leigh.”
“He walked away because I told him to,” I whisper.
She scrunches her face, clearly confused.
“Love is a foreign concept for me. I mean the romantic kind.”
“Why? It’s no different from any other kind.”
She has a point. I don’t know how to explain myself. I look at my hands and spread them open on the table.
“I can trust my hands to do exactly what I need them to do. I know they won’t tremble when I hold a scalpel. They’ll make a perfect incision. They’re steady and trustworthy.”
“I get that you only trust what you see. You love your dad, right? You trust him?”
“I do, but he’s my father, Willow. He raised me. He’s protected me since I took my first breath. He’s proven over and over that he will never fail me.”
“I get it now,” she sighs as she leans back in her chair. “Your dad proved himself to you before you even knew what love was. Jaxson walked away after you realized you were in love with him.”
“When I met him the night of the party… it was like striking a match. It’s as if chemicals reacted causing a combustion every time we spoke. He made me feel something I’ve never felt before.”
She tilts her head and pins me with a serious look.
“You mentioned that earlier. You do know feeling something for someone is a good thing, right?”
I let out a burst of laughter which quickly turns sour.
“Not when it hurts, Willow. That night almost broke me. For a while, I really thought it did. I won’t be able to cope with that kind of pain a second time.”
Her expression turns gentle, and she smiles warmly.
“It’s been almost six years. You’ve both changed. Jaxson is not the kind of man who walks away from those he loves.”
“I know.” I look down at the caramel liquid in my cup. “He’s an amazing friend, just not to me.
He’s supportive, understanding, caring and loving, just not to me.”
“It’s because you didn’t get to know him, Leigh. You had just met him when your mother passed away. You had a night of wild sex, which I only found out about now. I’m not happy about that.” Her lips form an O as she realizes something. “Hold on.” With wide eyes, she stares at me. “Was Jaxson your first?”
I want to crawl under the table as my face flushes. It’s funny how I have so much confidence when I walk into a hospital, but in everyday life, I have none.
“He was my only,” I say so quietly, Willow has to lean in to hear me.
“Well, that explains it all.”
“It does?”
I hate being confused. It makes my insides feel chaotic.
“You shared something special with him. You opened yourself up to him in a way you never have before. You were vulnerable, emotional… you were one hell of a mess,” she adds dryly. “I felt the same when I had sex for the first time.”
I frown at her. “You did?”
She leans forward a look of understanding adding warmth to her gentle smile.
“You had no one to talk to. If I had known, I could’ve explained it to you. But I’m here now, so let me sum it up for you.”
I feel a twinge of sadness that I haven’t been a better friend to Willow since my mom died. Willow understands the way my mind works. It’s only her and Dad. Knowledge is my coping mechanism. I’m a realist. I lean forward, ready to absorb whatever information she’s going throw my way.
“At some point, you and Jaxson made a connection. You liked what you saw, and he obviously liked what he saw. There was a spark. You know, like the combustion you referred to earlier.”
I nod to show her I understand. It’s kind of similar to the big bang effect.
There was one hell of a big bang between Jaxson and me that’s for sure.
“When you slept with him, you let him in. Not just literally. You connect with the person on a deeper level. Again, not just literally.” She smiles teasingly. “I just had to say that.”
We laugh, and it eases some of the tension.
“I don’t need to explain it to you, Leigh. You just have to admit to yourself that you like him. I think the problem is because you fell in love with him when you lost your mom, you’re scared you’ll lose him as well. You don’t want to take the risk of letting him in because you’re scared of what may happen. You don’t know if things will work out, or if they will. You don’t know if you’ll have one year with him or fifty. It’s normal to feel that way.”
She looks at me pleadingly. “I can tell you one thing, though. You’ll regret it if you let him go. One year with him might be better than nothing at all. That’s why I’m with Marcus. I’d rather have these last few days with him and know I was loved, than walk away and wonder what it could’ve been like.”
She’s right. I’ve been lying to myself. I’ve tried so hard to convince myself that I hate him because I’m scared of how I feel when I’m around him.
“Why is it so scary to love someone?” I whisper.
“It’s only scary if you focus on the probability that you can lose them. If you focus on the present and take it one day at a time, it’s not as scary. You have to decide which will hurt more – taking a chance on a man who could make you happy, or never taking a chance at all and growing old alone. Personally, living my life alone scares the living hell out of me.”