By Proxy(60)

She stepped into the shower, the hot water soothing and restorative. She breathed in, leaning her head back, closing her eyes. Was that it, then? Not love, just an intense physical attraction; in your inexperience you are mixing up the two. Because love would make you trade Gardiner for Chicago, love would make you willingly leave your home as his mother had, love would conquer all of your fears. Wouldn’t it? This can’t be love. Love would leave you irrevocably changed.

She hadn’t changed; she was still sensible, grounded Jenny. She had told him no. She wasn’t the sort of girl who went running away with the first man who asked. She toweled off, feeling more confident and secure. She would take Ingrid’s vows, return to Gardiner and resume her life. This was all probably just an infatuation. Yes, that was it. Once he was gone, her life would go back to normal and she would know for sure Sam had just been a short, sweet infatuation. She would think back on their weekend together as she did on any pleasant memory.

She finished toweling off and got dressed. Casey would need a walk before she drove the hour to Livingston, and she didn’t want to be late.

Later, as she left her apartment for Livingston, Jenny caught her reflection in the hallway mirror and paused to look at herself. She examined the face that stared back and an unexpected realization rocked her, upsetting her careful logic about love versus infatuation. She was dressed exactly the same as she had been last Friday morning: blonde hair brushed shiny, loose and long down her back, simple gray sweater-dress from Sears. Outwardly, she looked the same, yet the girl looking back at her was a totally different person, fundamentally and irrevocably changed from the person she had been on Friday. She gasped softly and touched her fingers to her earlobes, her cheeks, her lips, her waist, her hips; all places conquered and claimed by Sam.

She grabbed her bag and keys, then looked back at herself again, lifting her chin with fragile courage as one last thought formed in her head: Before Friday, life had been pleasant, content, even fulfilling in its own way, but she knew now that her world had been a dull gray in contrast to the blinding, vibrant color that painted her world now. She swallowed, biting her upper lip in defeat. How do you go back to gray when you’ve seen your life in Technicolor?

***

Sam waited in the chair at the top of the stairs. He glanced at his watch, then at the double doors in the lobby below. They still had twenty minutes before their appointment. He had no doubt she’d be on time.

After a terrible night’s sleep, he conceded defeat at 7:00, got showered, got dressed and got the hell out of Gardiner. He wished someone else could stand in for him as proxy today so he could just leave Montana and never look back, try to forget ever meeting Jenny, ever wanting her, ever feeling the intense ache of longing he had never felt for another person in all his life.

He brushed some lint off the sleeve of his cashmere coat, wondering if she’d be wearing that ridiculous-looking, puffy parka she’d been holding the first time he saw her. He wanted to stay focused on his anger toward her, to ward off the confused sadness that kept threatening a hostile takeover, but her face invaded his mind and he lost the battle, softening as he pictured her laughing, smiling, leaning forward to press her lips against his.

Damn it, Jenny. Why won’t you come to me?

He knew, of course, why she had refused him. After losing her mother, she held onto her family with an unwavering devotion, setting aside her dreams for herself. Part of the reason he cared for her so much was her traditional values, which included a deep commitment to her family, so how could he ask her to break it? The answer was simple: Moving to Gardiner was impossible for him. He had a plan for his life: get a good education, find a job in finance, choose smart investments, show better and better returns, impress the powers that be, move up in his company, make bigger and bigger deals, live in a big house, marry a beautiful woman, have a few kids, live happily ever after. What the heck was he supposed to do in Gardiner? Help her Dad lead wilderness tours? Run a restaurant for tourists? Be a teller in a local bank? He grimaced in distaste. He’d be giving up on his dreams, just as she had.

In his heart he knew her feelings for him were genuine, which roiled his stomach until he thought he might be sick. It made the situation so much worse to know for sure that she cared for him. He stood up and shrugged out of his coat, taking a deep breath of cold air as the double doors opened and an older lady made her way to the information desk, nodding and smiling her hellos. He folded his coat and placed it on top of the chair, straightening out his suit jacket and tie. He looked at his watch again. Ten more minutes.