By Proxy(34)

“Lars got that fourteen-inch cutthroat last year,” she reminded him in a teasing voice. That particular trout had almost been big enough to feed all six of them and had started a wicked rivalry between Lars and Paul that had outlasted the season.

“Listen to you!” Paul exclaimed. “Don’t remind me!”

Jenny found he was smiling at her when she looked up, giggling.

He looked at her thoughtfully, intently, holding her eyes. “You have the best laugh, Jenny.”

Jenny felt heat pour into her cheeks and her eyes widened with sudden awareness. Something did not feel right. “Th-thanks.”

“So, how long is Sam staying?”

Back to Sam? Oh, no… She was starting to understand. No, Paul.

“Just until Monday,” she mumbled. Her heart started beating faster with a sudden, unwanted realization. Paul was like another brother, and even if he hadn’t been, he was her boss.

He stopped what he was doing and stood up, closing the short distance between them. She swallowed uncomfortably, dreading what she suspected was coming next. He stood before her, hands by his sides, and spoke plainly.

“I have to admit, I was a little surprised to look up and see you with Sam this morning. Surprised by how it made me feel. Have you ever suspected my feelings for you, Jen? I probably should have spoken sooner, but I’ve…I’ve tried to give you space and time to heal. I know your mother’s passing took a toll and I just always thought the perfect moment would…For a long time, I’ve wanted—”

“Paul, stop! Please stop.”

“Jenny, please let me—” He reached out to touch her arm, his eyes besieging hers.

“Paul! I don’t see you like that!” she blurted out, stepping back from him, her heart about to beat through the wall of her chest. She looked down at her shoes, overwhelmed by the sheer awkwardness of the situation.

Oh, she had noticed Paul’s eyes hold hers a beat longer than necessary from time to time. Or that when he came to dinner, he always sat next to her, and always insisted they hold hands for grace, instead of folding their hands as they did when he didn’t join them. She always felt he was glad to see her and knew she was a favorite of his at school. But she had chalked up all of this, naively or not, to the close relationship he shared with her family through his friendship with Lars and the boys. To be careful, though, she had also kept Paul at a brotherly distance to repel any possible romantic expectation, and she assumed whatever rogue feelings he occasionally felt for her weren’t substantial enough for him to pursue. Just a symptom of an available young man in a town without a lot of options; she had figured that the occasional romantic interest she felt from him was fleeting, not fixed, and that was exactly the way she wanted it.

He surprised her by demanding, “You see him like that?”

Her head snapped up. “What? I don’t even know him! I met him yesterday.”

He didn’t look embarrassed or flustered, but sad, maybe. A little like a man who just had to cut bait on the biggest potential catch of his life and Jenny felt terrible that she was the cause. “Paul, you’re important to me. You’re my boss, my co-worker. You’re my friend. You’re Lars’s…”

“I’m Lars’s friend.” He sat back down and smiled at her ruefully, shaking his head back and forth. “I thought—”

“No.” Jenny was firm and her heart started to slow down. “You’re my boss. And…and like a brother to me, if anything. I just can’t see you that way…”

He winced, and Jenny cringed, desperate not to hurt him. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Paul sighed and didn’t look up at her. He stapled the pile in front of him and spoke softly. “You’re special, Jenny. Always have been. Can’t blame a man for trying.”

“Be my friend?” Please be my friend and don’t turn this into something awkward.

“Sure, Jen.” He looked up and smiled at her but it didn’t reach his eyes, and she could see the sadness lingering on his face.

They worked in silence for several uncomfortable minutes before Paul spoke up again, softly. “But, Jenny…feelings don’t just…disappear. So, if things don’t work out with Sam, I’m still here, okay?”

What in the world was he talking about? There’s nothing spoken between Sam and me! She was attracted to him, yes. And learning about Pepper had been a blow, just as finding out Sam was single felt like a reprieve, however unsuitable they were for one another. But these were just thoughts in her head, not actual reciprocated thoughts and feelings. This was just a crush, like many she’d had before. Things weren’t going to work out or not work out. There was nothing to work out, for heaven’s sake. She felt her pulse speed up again in exasperation.