Buy Me, Sir(61)

I stop struggling for breath. I finally find peace.

Dots dance across my vision and it's okay here. I'm happy here.

I brush my thumb across his cheek, but he feels so far away.

Tap out, Amy. Fucking hell.

He feels so far away.

His eyes are the last thing I see before mine close.





Chapter Forty-Four





Alexander



My blood is on fucking fire as I pound her fucking ass.

It's a punishment fuck, pure as fucking sin. Raw and brutal and angry. So fucking angry.

I hate the way I love being inside her. I hate the way my cock still craves this.

My eyes bore into hers as I scream at her to tap the fuck out and get this over with.

But she doesn't.

She fucking doesn't.

I tug the belt tighter around her pretty throat and she doesn't even squirm. Her fingers brush my cheek and she smiles at me.

It breaks my fucking heart all over again.

Tap out.

Everything in me is screaming at everything in her.

Just tap the fuck out, you crazy fucking bitch. Stop lying to me.

Her hands fall to the bedsheets as her eyes close.

I stop thrusting the second her chest stops heaving.

"Amy?" It's a stupid question. Her head lolls limp, and she's pale, like a fucking ghost.

I yank that fucking belt free in a heartbeat. I tap her face and tell  her she's proved her point. Fuck, she's proved her fucking point.

I shake her shoulders and demand she fucking answer me.

But she doesn't.

"Jesus, Amy," I hiss. "Wake up. Christ, wake up." My blood runs cold. "Amy!"

I fight the panic. Force down the terror.

"Please wake up. God fucking forgive me, Amy, please wake up."

Her eyes open wide as she gulps. They focus on mine as she splutters and gurgles.

She takes one long desperate breath and so do I. I'm shaking. Trembling as I pull her into my arms.

Oh God, how I hold her. I smooth her hair with my heart pounding against hers.

She's dazed. Confused as she orientates herself.

"Alexander?" she whispers and her breath is so fucking raw.

"I'm sorry," I breathe. "I'm so fucking sorry."

"I'm okay," she rasps. "It's okay."

But it's not. This will never be fucking okay. I tell her so, and my voice is as raspy as hers.

"I didn't tap out," she says. "I wasn't lying. I'd never tap out."

I'm the biggest cunt in the fucking world. A bigger cunt than that  asshole Claude or any one of my fucking clients. A bigger cunt than my  filthy fucking father.

I press my lips to her forehead and she sighs. Her body melts to mine as  though she still cares, and it breaks me all over again.

I wish it was me without breath.

I wish it was me who'd choked in her arms.

"Jesus, Amy, I thought you were gone," I whisper, and my voice is lost in her hair.

Her hand buries in mine. Her fingers are so gentle.

"It's Lissa," she says. "Everyone calls me Lissa."

"Lissa," I breathe, and I feel her smile.

"You've no idea how much I've wanted to hear you say it," she says, and I  must be a fucking fool all over again, because I believe her.

God fucking help me, I believe her.



Melissa



I thought staring into Alexander Henley's eyes as I slipped away was the most blissful thing in the world.         

     



 

But I was wrong.

Staring into Alexander Henley's eyes as I come back is the most blissful thing in the world.

My chest feels dry and achy. Every breath makes me cough.

Even so, it still pains when he pulls away. I'm reaching out for him as he heads for the mini bar.

I pull him close as he comes back with a glass of water.

"I'm sorry," he says again.

I shake my head. "I'm the one who came here to say sorry."

The cold water feels so nice as I swallow. I drink it down in long sips and he takes the empty glass from me.

The bed is so comfortable here, nearly as comfy as his. I curl into a ball and he lays at my side.

I want to stay here forever.

I'd give anything to make this ok.

"Can you speak?" he asks and I nod.

"It's not so bad now." I take a breath to illustrate and it's not nearly so raspy as it was before.

"Tell me everything," he says. "I'm listening."

"You don't have to," I tell him. "I fucked up so bad."

"Yeah, well. We've both done things we're not proud of. I nearly fucking killed you."

"You promised you wouldn't kill me," I whisper. "I believed you."

"Maybe you shouldn't have."

"But you didn't," I say. "You didn't kill me."

"By good fortune, Lissa, nothing more."

But I don't believe him. I saw the relief in his eyes as I opened mine, and it wasn't just panic.

I saw through the panic. His eyes still cared about me.

I don't know where to start. I'm still thinking it through when he speaks.

"Your friend Sonnie told me we met before. You were the girl with the sparkly tobacco tin."

My eyes meet his. "You remember?"

"It had hearts on it," he says. "Glittery hearts."

"I used to fantasise about you recognising me one day. But you didn't."

"You were a kid," he says. "I saw a million kids that week."

"But only one with a sparkly tobacco tin."

"You had darker hair," he said.

"I dyed it for you," I tell him. "Because I saw those pictures of Debbie Harry in your storage room."

"I gathered as much."

I take a deep breath. It feels so good to breathe. "This isn't how it  was supposed to be. I was going to be a lawyer, just like you. I was  going to go to uni and become the very best, and then I was going to  come for a job with you. I thought if we were colleagues …  I thought if I  could impress you … "

"You planned that all those years ago?"

I nod. "I worked hard for straight-As all the way through the rest of high school, all the way through college, too."

He squeezes my shoulder and I know then that Sonnie told him.

I feel the tears welling up before I've even said another word.

"My parents were out for their anniversary. Dad took Mum out to the  place they met, a little Italian place they loved. I was babysitting for  Joe. I told them to have a good time. They were really happy, Dad  bought Mum orchids, they were her favourite."

"You don't have to tell me this," he says, but I want to. I want him to know everything.

"It was a stupid rich kid who hit them, driving his dad's car way over  the speed limit. The police said he didn't slow down, didn't even see  them."

"Did they prosecute?"

I shake my head. "Rich lawyer, not enough evidence. Circumstantial, they said. He had a good college record."

"I'm sorry."

"I didn't think I'd ever get up. I didn't think I could go on living.  But I have a little brother, Joseph. He wasn't even twelve months old."

"You take care of him?"

I nod. "I quit college and claimed benefits for a while, but I hated it.  That isn't what I want for Joe. My parents worked hard, I want him to  see me work hard too. So my friend Dean sleeps on my sofa, he said he'd  take care of Joe so I could find a job. I found yours, and I hoped …  I  hoped maybe …  if I could just be close to you … "

"You were close to me," he hisses. "I bought you peaches and fucking  chocolate. I left you fucking notes. A bottle of wine." He sighs. "I  chased you down the fucking street, Lissa. Why the fuck didn't you stop  for me? Why the fuck did you choose to lie instead?"

I prop myself up on an elbow and my heart is racing. "I was your  cleaner. I was a nobody. I am a nobody, and you're …  everything."

"I chased you down the fucking street, Melissa. Jesus Christ." He's  angry again. His body is so rigid. I want to touch him but I don't dare.         

     



 

"I was already in with Claude. I'd already filmed that slutty video. If  I'd gone back when you called, if I'd introduced myself before you'd  seen it and then you did … "

"I wouldn't have fucking seen it!" he hisses. "I'd already quit that  shit. I was going cold fucking turkey, going fucking insane over a  cleaner I'd never fucking met."

I didn't know.

How it fucking hurts.

"I'm sorry," I say again. "I thought if I could just …  be someone …  if I  could love what you love …  maybe you'd love me like I love you."

"So you lied? Snooped on me, and dug into all my fucking things, and then lied to me? Played me like a fucking fool?"

"I'm not even nineteen. I was a cleaner taking care of her younger brother. I didn't think you'd even look at me."

"But I did!" he snaps. "I fucking did!" He rolls away from me and it  pains so much to face his back. "This is so fucked up," he says. "I  believed all of it, every fucking thing you said, and it was all just a  fucking act."

"Was," I tell him. "But it isn't now. I am that person. I'm everything I pretended to be, I swear."

He laughs a horrible laugh. "Stop it."

"I love the things that you love. I love the gemstones and I love Kings  and Castles. I loved that gig so much it made me cry, and it was all  real."