Breathe With Me(89)
“I love you too.” She swallows hard and brushes her cheeks dry with the back of her hand. “You know what happened the day my dad and Tiff died.”
“Yes, you’ve told me the story, baby.”
She nods. “When Luke said there’d been an accident, and we got in the car, I was right back in that place, as if I was thirteen years old again, and the pain was bright and brand new.”
I brush my knuckles down her cheeks, my heart breaking for her.
“I understand that you’re okay. My brain computes it, Mark. You weren’t hurt badly, thank God, and you’ll heal quickly and everything will go back to normal.”
I nod, watching her as she struggles with her heart.
“But I can’t help the way my heart feels.”
“How does it feel?”
“Panicked. Terrified. God, I’m so scared. I didn’t know that your job is dangerous. It never occurred to me.”
“Would it have changed things? Would knowing that there are hazards on my job have kept you from falling back into love with me?”
She bites her lip and wrinkles her brow, and I want so desperately to lean in and kiss her there, to comfort her, but I wait, letting her reason things out.
“I never fell back into love with you. I was always in love with you,” she admits. “But maybe I could have prepared myself.”
“Honestly, M, the injuries that happen on a job site are typically small ones. Hammer a thumb, trip on a board. We are very careful and have rules to keep us all from getting hurt.”
She pulls away, turning onto her back and looks at the ceiling. “I think you should go home and rest.”
My heart stills.
“Didn’t you hear a word I just said?”
“I did.”
“But you’re still throwing me out.”
She bites her lip and jerks her head yes.
I stand and walk toward the door, but stop and turn around and watch the tears run down the sides of her face into her hair. She doesn’t want me to leave. She’s just scared.
“Fuck this, Meredith. I remember exactly what it felt like ten years ago to stand on your porch and have you tell me that we were through. I refuse to go through that again. I am not giving up on this. I can’t go a day, an hour without thinking about you. Without needing to hear your voice, see you smile.”
I rub my hand over my mouth and pace away in frustration and then circle around again.
“I’m trying to protect myself!” She stands and faces off with me, her hands fisted at her sides. “You want me to stay with you, to love you every day, but what am I supposed to do when you die and you leave me?”
“I’m not leaving you!”
“Today. You’re not leaving me today.”
“Meredith, I can’t promise you that nothing will ever happen to me because we don’t know. I can’t promise what I don’t have control of.”
“Exactly!” She points at me as if I finally get it. “You can’t.”
“No one can, M. Are you just going to be alone forever?”
“I’m not alone. I have Jax.”
“Until he dies too,” I reply coldly and hate myself when her face crumples.
“I have my studio.”
“What if it burns down?”
“STOP IT!” She screams nearing hysterics again.
“Baby, you have to know that the chances of any of that happening are minute.” I fight through her flailing arms and pull her tightly against my chest, tucking her head under my chin, and hold on with all my might. “Jax and I aren’t going anywhere. Your studio is safe.”
“I’m scared.”
“Me too. Mer, I wouldn’t survive losing you again. Your mom was the strongest person I’ve ever met. Next to you, and I’m surrounded by a lot of strong women, sweetheart.” I tip her face up so I can stare down into her beautiful face. “You’re so strong, baby. I love you more than I can ever tell you. I’m sure there are pretty words that would work, but I don’t know what they are. I just know that what I feel for you is so big, there’s no way I can let you go. Please don’t ask me to. I can’t say goodbye to you, M.”
I lean my forehead against hers as she finally, finally, wraps her arms around me and holds on desperately.
“I love you so big,” she whispers as she buries her face in my neck, the way she always does.
“As long as we have each other, we can do anything.” I smirk at myself. Where the fuck is my man card? “I know it sounds cliché, but it’s true, Mer. Something Luke said not long ago has stuck with me. He said that if Natalie ever tries to leave him, he’s going with her because his life doesn’t work without her.”