Blue Roses(31)

I keep my arms crossed. “Good for you. When I was nineteen, I held the love of my life while he died in front of me.”

Luca blinks, then looks away.

Gruffly, he says, “I’m sorry.”

“If you think I don’t appreciate the gift of my life, you’re wrong. I feel it every day, this gift. This burden. I’m alive, and he isn’t, and it’s not fair. He was a better person than me, in every way. He gave everything.”

My jaw aches as I hold back the tears.

Luca is quiet, his eyes focused down on the floor.

My body shakes with the sobs I’m holding tight.

“Jonathan never held back, and no matter how bad things got, he always said it was fine. He said he wouldn’t change a thing.”

Luca glances over to the pictures, then back to me.

His voice soft and low, he says simply, “His name was Jonathan.” He licks his lips and swallows. “I’m sorry.”

I look down at the dirty dishes between us, blinking away the tears in my eyes.

“No, I’m the one who’s sorry,” I say. “We were having a nice dinner, and I had to wreck everything. Now I’m causing all this drama, and you don’t like drama, and I’m sorry. This is me, Luca. I live in a garage behind my mother’s house, and I work the same job I’ve had for years. I’m stuck, and I don’t care, because I’m comfortable here. My best friend Rory comes by on Sunday and we do laundry and watch TV. I don’t want to have kids, because I don’t want to stop being a kid. I don’t want to have your babies. I might change my mind later, but right now, I can’t imagine it.”

His eyes flick up to mine. “What made you think I wanted you to have my babies?”

I hold my arms tighter around myself. My head is hot and my body is cold.

I can’t tell him that I feel it every time he looks at my stomach, like he’s planning our future. “Never mind. I’m just crazy. Typical woman, right?”

He looks down and straightens all his silverware, avoiding my eyes.

“Tina, I’m just taking life one day at a time. Same as anyone else. But it’s very difficult to have an honest discussion with someone who breaks into hysterics.”

I push my chair back and stand. “Hysterics?”

He stays seated, looking up at me warily. “I don’t know what else to say. I’ve had a lot of fun with you these past few weeks.”

I shrug and turn my face away, waiting for the worst.

It’s over. He’s had fun, and now it’s over.

“You should go,” I say, my voice thin and cold.

“We’re not going to talk about this?”

“There’s nothing to talk about. I hope your opening goes well on Saturday. Don’t worry about me making a scene, because I won’t be coming.”

“You won’t come to my grand opening?”

I won’t turn to look at him, because then I’ll definitely cry.

“Honestly, I don’t see the point. Just go.”

He pushes his chair back and stands. “I don’t like this side of you,” he says.

“Me neither, but I don’t have a choice.”

“You’re shutting me out.”

“Just go.”

I turn my body away so I can’t even see him out of the corner of my eyes.

“Don’t forget your jacket,” I say. “Make sure you have everything that’s yours when you leave.”

“Teenie.”

I growl, “Don’t call me that. You don’t know me.”

I hear him moving around, pulling on his boots and getting his leather jacket from the closet.

Without a word, he opens the door, leaves, and gently closes it again.

I walk around the circuit, closing all the blinds and curtains, keeping my face turned away from the windows.

I lock the door, and then I open the coat closet. I push out the shoes and settle onto the floor, my legs folded up in front of me. I pull the door shut behind me and bury my face between the jackets.

Safe in this small space, I disappear.





Chapter 20





Luca had the garage’s grand re-opening on Saturday.

The flower shop sent over an arrangement. I considered signing my name on the card, but I didn’t.

I wrote: Best wishes from Gardenia Flowers.

The opening went well, and the only motorbike “gang” who showed up was a group of seniors who tour on road bikes together.

My sister keeps me up-to-date on what’s going on at the garage. She bumps into Luca from time to time on Baker Street. Unlike me, she hasn’t switched her route to detour through the alley to avoid him.

Luca and I haven’t spoken to each other since the night he left my place.

That was three months ago.