Beyond Eighteen(95)

I stood there for a moment, taking in every word she said. With every blink that released the tears from her eyelashes and every twitch of her mouth I realized just how much my mom had lived. How, even through the pain of losing her husband, she found a way to make me realize my happiness was important.

“Thanks, Ma,” I said as I leaned down and kissed her cheek. “I’ll think about what you said, I promise. I’d better get going. I love you,” I whispered.

“Oh, sweets, I love you too,” she whispered back before I pulled out of her embrace and walked out.

Funny how I’d lived my entire life judging the choices of my parents and suddenly when I found myself facing the same type of situation, their choices were the only tangible experiences I could grasp.





Chapter Thirty-four


~ Wilson ~





The morning sun filled the room, making a promise that it would be a better day. It had to be, because in a matter of three hours the night before, everything I’d believed about my life had become something entirely different. Every emotion I’d stuffed deep into my gut my whole life was pulled up, dragged out, drudged through, reconsidered, and exposed. More questions pummeled me in my sleep. Dreams of when I was little twisted and snarled with fantasies of being raised by my mom—visions of going to carnivals, birthday parties, and movies tore through my mind. My throat was sore and my mouth drier than a cotton field. My head pounded, promising me that it was only going to start hurting worse if I didn’t find some Motrin quickly.

I sat up, expecting to see J still asleep next to me, but she wasn’t. I could only imagine how crazy it was for her last night too. She’d been right there with me my entire life. She was the only person who knew everything about my life. Now she truly is the only other person who knows what each letter said, each promise Candi made, each life-altering event I was supposed to have, each brick that was supposed to create my life from the day I was born; bricks that were never used in building my life.

I pushed the covers back and made my way to the bathroom. I glanced at the closet. Everything looked normal. Gramps’s sweaters were still stacked perfectly on his side of the closet. No box, no letters spread about the cedar floor. It looked…just as my grandfather left it. For a millisecond I thought maybe last night had been a dream, until I saw the box on my grandma’s dresser. J must have cleaned everything up after I fell asleep. My lungs tightened against my ribs, tears swelled in my eyes, and my heart clung to the ledge in the back of my throat. I have the best friend in the world.

I headed downstairs. My feet were freezing. I could hear J talking to someone on the phone and every couple of seconds the crumpling of newspaper.

“I miss you too. I wish you could be here. Maybe someday, it’s beautiful.”

I didn’t mean to eavesdrop.

“Oh, stop. Well, you’re pretty handsome…I don’t know how long I’m going to be here. Nick, she needs me…yeah, it was pretty heavy last night. She really has a lot to process…No, he’s not here. Truthfully, I don’t know if he is coming anytime soon. He’s dealing with some family stuff too.”

Really, I didn’t mean to overhear any of that. I couldn’t go barging in right then. My heart was thundering in my chest and my head was arguing with every muscle in my body, telling them to move.

“I don’t think we are doing anything for New Year’s tonight...well, that’s flattering but I don’t think that would be a good idea…No, bad idea…WHAT? Are you serious? You did not!” She stopped working on the stove and froze in a standing position.

What? What the hell is he saying? What did he do? I swear I didn’t mean to eavesdrop…

“Well, it’s totally romantic. But I have to be here. Wilson needs me.”

That was my cue. I made sure to make enough noise to alert her that I was coming. I shuffled past J and she smiled at me as she continued to make a fire in the stove.

“Hey, Wilson just came in. I have to go…I will talk to you later…alright, you too…bye.”

“You didn’t have to get off the phone because of me.”

“No problem. You okay?”

“I’m not too bad. My head hurts, and I kept having nightmares about Candi. Was that Nick?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she replied. I waited for her to say more, but she didn’t.

“Well, it sounded like he…did something…romantic, huh?”

“Naw, he just teased me about coming out here,” she said in a casual tone.

J struck a match on the side of the stove and started the newspaper on fire before she tossed the match into the flames and closed the door, leaving a crack to let the oxygen in. I could feel my shoulders tighten and every protective instinct in me rear its head. I didn’t want to be jealous or even envious of Joanie and Nick. I wanted her to be happy. But for some reason, if Max wasn’t here for me, I didn’t want Nick here for her. Is that terrible? God, I would never tell her that, even though she saw every emotion flood my body.