Beyond Broken(115)

He froze when he saw her, that brief moment confirming what Maddie had been afraid of, that he had been avoiding her purposefully, before he smoothed his expression over. His eyes ran over her, like he was making sure she was whole and in tact and the baby was fine, since he hadn't called her in the afternoons like he usually did to check up on her.

He didn't stop working when she came to a stop just inside the garage, but he asked, "What are you doing here, Maddie?"

The question was casual, like she hadn't told him she loved him, like he hadn't slept in the guest bedroom for the first time in nine weeks, like he wasn't breaking her heart at that very moment.

She ignored his question and asked instead, "Do you remember when I first told you that I was pregnant? And it didn't really hit you until you were driving and you needed to pull off in that deserted parking lot and you were only wearing a t-shirt even though it was practically freezing outside? And you told me that you'd missed me … " Tears were already beginning to clog her throat. "And that you wanted to prove to me how good we could be together?"

Caleb stopped what he was doing, but he wouldn't look at her. He stared down at the stripped car, all old metal and red rust, and Maddie wished that instead of the car, he'd try and fix them.

"I do," was his response, his voice both tight and soft.

"Well, you have, Caleb. You've proven it to me," she told him, a small, trembling smile floating over her lips. "And since that moment, and even before then, I've loved you." His small flinch at those words, like they were blades as opposed to words, hurt more than his avoidance. "A-and I know you heard me say them the first time. So you can deny what I feel, you can try to avoid me and this situation all you want, but it doesn't make them any less true, Caleb. I love you. And there's no reason why I should be ashamed of it. Loving someone is a good thing. It's a beautiful thing."

He still wouldn't look at her. His fists were clenched at his sides, his jaw locked tight, and he still wouldn't look at her.



       
         
       
        

His voice was quiet and deliberately careful, almost clinical, when he finally responded to her words.

"I can't love you the way you want me to, Maddie. I'm sorry."

Just like that, Maddie mused, wanting to cry and laugh at the same time. Just like that, Caleb thought he could dismiss her, reject her, and apologize all at the same time in a succinct and neat five seconds. All that was missing was a pretty bow on top.

"See, the thing is, Caleb Montgomery, is that I know you," she shot back, fire feeding into her veins. "And I know that you already love me, so don't try and tell me that you can't or you won't or you don't. That's what breaks my heart. That you would so easily throw away what I want you to have and not even bat an eye as you do it. That you won't allow yourself to even acknowledge what you feel for me. And I won't do it. I won't wait around every day, hoping, praying, that maybe you'll finally realize it!"

His head snapped up at that and finally she saw some of that heat, something that told her he was at least feeling something right now. With an ugly scowl on his face, he shot back, "Love means nothing, Maddie. You say you love me, but I don't care. I don't want it, okay? And if you plan on waiting around for me to return your love, then I don't know what to tell you." He laughed, but the sound was bitter. "Why can't you just be happy with what we've had? Who the fuck cares whether I love you or not? We're having a child, Maddie. We're good together. We're friends. And, as a bonus, the sex is pretty fucking fantastic. Why does it even matter?"

It was like a slap across the face.

"Don't do that," she told him, proud that her voice didn't shake, even though she was reeling inwardly. "D-don't try and cheapen what I feel."

He shrugged. "It's the truth."

"So that's all we are to you?" she asked, her voice barely more than a whisper. "Friends with … with benefits?"

"No, we're friends with benefits having a child together. Don't read into a situation, Maddie, because you might not like what you find there."

Maddie didn't know how long she stood there, processing, breaking, wondering how in the world words, simple sequences of sound, could hurt so much. She felt humiliated, hopeless, and her heart was splintering into a thousand pieces. The worst part was that she knew that he'd try and do this. She knew that he'd try to hurt her, that this wouldn't be easy.

But for the first time, she began to doubt herself, began to question if she'd read everything all wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. He'd said those words with such conviction that she accepted them. She hated that he had this power over her.