Being Kalli(63)

I hop in the shower to wash my body only, and then come back to my closet with a gown wrapped around me. I grab my skinny jeans since if I need to stay warm, they’re the sexiest way to go on a date yet still retain heat. I put on my suede boots and wrap the straps around them, knotting it just behind my knee to hold the material up. I layer up with a low-cut tank top and a slouchy top.

I’m touching up my blush when Nate texts, and asks if I’m ready. I go speak to Mum and the boys, telling them we’re leaving. She touches my elbow and says thanks, with a faint smile showing through her expression.

We arrive at Pancake Parlour. The date’s looking up even more so from my view as I enter the mid-50s style diner. Maple syrup and chocolate and buttery smells are thick in the air. It’s the type of place I come to and feel more at place wearing jeans than a tight dress. Smiles are given freely, from both waitresses and customers alike.

Our table is a wall booth, the seats curled around the table leaving only the pathway side open. We slide in on opposite sides.

“Can I get you guys drinks to start?”

Nate and I lock eyes and I bite my lip, trying to hold in a chuckle.

Nate answers for us saying, “Yeah, vanilla chai lattes, if you have them please. Two.”

“Sure thing.” The waitress collects the drinks menu and leaves.

The thing about these restaurants is they are always busy, yet with separate booths I can’t stop looking at parts of Nate—never his eyes—and wonder how I can feel so exposed in this crowd.

My heart thrums in my ears, and it’s distracting trying not to wiggle my fingers in them or slap the side of my head to make the heavy rhythm stop. I snatch up my gaze to Nate’s eyes to see him looking at his forearms crossed on the table. And I stare. What the hell do I say? That was one hot almost kiss before. I like being control, yet Nate pulled me over that bench like I was an empty sack. Then he seduced me in a way so hot, I’m still wondering how I didn’t ignite.

I know we’d never be here even trying to sort out a relationship if it weren’t for my epic stuff up, but I wish it didn’t happen right now. I could see how we’d otherwise be here, laughing over our vanilla chai lattes. I’d be giving Nate shit for admitting he likes it, and he’d respond like, Yeah? Go on. I’ll get you back later, and we’d end up leading to his stupid habit of calling the vibrato I do on my violin vibration, to sexual vibrations, which would end in us having a happy end to the night.

Thanks to me, though, I’m wondering how to even start a conversation with him about us. Together.

“I can see you, you know,” Nate says, starting as a whisper and ending in a firm tone, looking at me.

“Oh.” I duck my head and start looking through my handbag, which is stupid. I stop. “Well …”

“I like it.”

Still with my eyes diverted, I bite my lip, but my stupid little girl grin escapes anyway. He’s looking. There’s no hiding how happy I am that I know he likes that.

“Good.”

“Good,” he replies.

I nod. “Cool.” God, how stupid. Say something! “So, thanks for coming this afternoon. Mum’s been talking with me and therapy has been good, apparently, she says, but you made her feel normal and I think it helped her not being ‘that’ person with the problems.”

He smiles, then hmms to himself, probably thinking it over. “I just wanted to see you guys, make everything happy for once. It’s been so hard.”

“You did more for us than you realise. I love the twins, but I didn’t see until recently how much I still love my mum. I really can’t thank you enough for that little thing you did, because it was so big for me. She’s always felt different.”

I pause then, my throat too tight to talk and my cheeks heat up at the thought. Am I about to lose it? Here? I probably am so I finish off everything I have to say by nodding to the table, pressing my lips into a thin line and trying to make the hot flush dissipate.

“Kall?”

I lift my chin, my head feeling heavy. “Yeah?”

“I’m sorry.”

My chin drops. It happens too fast to hide it with another action. I gulp. Gulp, gulp, like a fish.

He sweeps a pensive glance over me. He says, “You are wild and crazy and fun and sexy and beautiful, right down to your soul, but you’re also helpless. Only, you don’t say it. You just help your friends, and give your hard-earned money to your family. You are a party animal, but looking after your loved ones will always come first, given the choice. And you don’t realise that you can speak to me without sounding wrong or bad. Because you’re like family, Kall Bell, and like you, you’re my first priority.”