Because You Exist(74)

“What are you talking about?”

“When we were little and used to hang out, Jo told me. She said you used to stare at her all the time. So one day, she told her teacher you hit her or something.”

My eyes continued to stare at Jo now. The crowd was becoming larger and larger. Like ants covering a dropped Popsicle in the heat of the summer. Had I always wanted this girl? Even before I knew what want was?

I took a step towards her.

Jenna put her hand on my arm. Stopping me. I turned to her. I saw it all over her face. I’d broken her too. Jenna cleared her throat. “This isn’t you, Logan. How could you let them do this to her?”

“This isn’t me? Yes, it is Jenna! You’ve just wanted to pretend it isn’t me. You don’t want to believe the guy you gave it up to is a complete ass. You want to try and find some excuse for my behavior. It’s what all girls who date jerks do. But you’re wrong. This is me,” I replied bitterly, pointing to Jo.

Jenna wrapped her arms around her waist. “Then maybe we need a break,” she whispered.

“Breakup, Jenna. You don’t have to be nice when you break up with me. We’re breaking up,” I said, no longer able to look at her. It was too dangerous. I looked over to where Jo was to see the crowd dispersing. I turned my back on Jenna and stalked over to the flag post.

Bentham was pulling her down. Jo crumpled into his arms. He leaned in and whispered something into her ear. Probably some cryptic Let’s End the World thing. But he didn’t know. Jo would never shift again. The crowd stood watching, just at the edge of all things.

Jo looked from Bentham to me. I couldn’t read the expression in her eyes. She said something to him and then began to slowly stumble over to me. Her legs no doubt sore from lack of use. My body tensed as she got closer.

But she didn’t say anything.

“Go ahead,” I started, my voice rough. “Just hit me. It’s what you do best,” I snarled. If I was I was going to ruin this, I’d better make it an apocalypse.

A tear rolled down Jo’s cheek. She didn’t brush it away. She didn’t hide it. Not even from everyone who was watching. A dull ache took over my chest. I found it a little difficult to breath. I was staring so hard at her I didn’t see it coming. Bentham sucker punched me in the nose. The crowd gasped as I fell to the ground.

I scrambled back up on my feet. I wanted to fight him. I wanted to beat the living crap out of him. I did feel something. I felt hate. But when I took a step towards him, I watched as he took off his sweatshirt and handed it to Jo. She pulled it over her head. When her hands moved to pull the hood over her face, Bentham grabbed her wrist. He shook his head. “Why would you ever feel the need to hide from them?” he asked, his eyes filled with so much affection for her it shamed me.

Jo slowly dropped her hands. And then right there in front of me and the entire school, Jo had her first kiss. His hands were on her cheeks. Her hands hesitantly on his chest. It was a gentle kiss. When she pulled away he took her hand in his.

I felt it then. Loss. Everything that could be. A future that could no longer be possible. My ribs still hurt. Randall’s blood still stained my shirt. Jenna was off somewhere crying because we’d broken up. I wouldn’t play in Friday’s game. My nose was probably broken. But nothing compared to the pain of watching Jo walk away.

Nothing.

The Dark Men had made it this way.

I pulled the bottle of pills from my pocket.

I believed in Free Will.

I’d let the others save it all.

If it was even worth saving.

I opened the bottle and popped the pill in my mouth.