Beautifully Damaged(37)

"Then why are you pushing me away?"

"You deserve better than me."

"Siobhan?"

"My attempt to prove that point to you."

"Is that why you're never around, why you told me to move out?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

He moved with startling speed to stand just in front of me. His eyes were dark and wild as he reached for my hand to press it to the hard length of him.

"This is all I have to offer you, Ember. Sex is all I'm good for and you deserve more than that, more than a shag from a guy who's fucked half the city."

"All you have to offer or all you want to offer?"

He laughed but it wasn't a pleasant sound as he moved away from me to pace the room before he stopped to level me with eyes that were filled with conflicting emotions.

"I'd give it all to you, Ember -- but me -- I'm not a good bet. You deserve a man worthy of you. I want you. I can't think straight; I want you so fucking badly but I'm shit, Ember, and I always will be."

"What if I disagree?"

"Eventually, you'd come to realize the truth."

"Why do you hate yourself so much?"

"It's what I know."

I walked over to him and took his hands into mine as I looked deeply into his eyes.

"I want you, too, Trace, I want to be with you. Let me in. Let me close to you."

I studied him but I couldn't read him at all and then I said. "If you don't want to take a chance on me I get it but you should know the damage is done because for me, it's you."

He said nothing -- just stood there looking at me with his completely unreadable expression, and then he pulled his hands from mine, turned and walked away. It hurt, watching him go. It hurt so much that I had trouble drawing in a breath as I settled on the edge of the bed and let my tears run down my cheeks. It was with a broken heart that I continued my packing.

I spent the day in my room and emerged to an empty apartment only thirty minutes before my date. I called a cab and went down to wait for it wearing my little black dress.

I arrived at the restaurant a bit early but Lucien was already there. He didn't see me right away so it gave me a minute to study him. He really was very handsome, especially dressed as he was in a black suit, purple shirt and tie and his hair pulled back into a ponytail. As soon as he saw me, his cornflower-blue eyes lit with genuine interest and when he started towards me, his stride was measured and deliberate. He reached for my hand and brought it up to his lips as a smile curved his mouth.

"You look beautiful."

I blushed as I watched him kiss my hand. "You look very handsome."

His cheeks turned slightly pink and my heart squeezed in my chest from the sweet thought of a man like him blushing over a compliment. He recovered quickly as he pulled my hand through his arm.

"Shall we?"

The restaurant was dimly lit and our table was tucked in a private corner. Lucien held my chair for me before folding himself into the chair across from me. After we scanned the menu, and placed our order, he lifted his glass.

"To beginnings."

I lifted my glass and smiled before taking a sip, while my eyes held his as I did. He was everything a girl could ask for: sweet, polite, handsome. I so much wanted to jump in with both feet and take a chance but my damned heart belonged elsewhere and, though I never had Trace, my heart didn't care.

"Your eyes are sad, what's wrong?"

"My being here isn't really fair to you."

"Why?" He seemed to figure it out on his own and added, "There's someone else."

"Actually, there isn't but."

"You want there to be."

I didn't answer since it wasn't necessary.

"What happened?"

I didn't mean to sound so angry when I answered him but my emotions were still very tender.

"Nothing. He wants me and I want him but he refuses to go there because he thinks he's not good enough for me. I'm staying with him -- that's a long story -- our relationship is completely platonic but he asked me to move out. I told him just this morning that I am and, well, it didn't go well. I'm sorry this isn't really how you saw this evening going. Maybe I should just go. I'm not very good company."

He reached across the table to take my hand into his. "Being alone when you're hurting only makes it worse. Stay, Ember, eat something and take advantage of having someone who's a great listener."

I felt tears burn my throat at the sincerity I saw in his face and heard in his words. Why couldn't I have met him first? Because even if I had, one look at Trace, and I would have been a goner. I squeezed Lucien's hand as a smile touched my lips.

"I'd rather hear about you."

"Okay, but, Ember, if he's the one you want and you are for him, don't take no for an answer. Fight for him."