Beautifully Awake(88)

He walked to the window, the rain capturing his attention as well. “Blue, baby. I’m so sorry if I hurt you. That was the last thing I wanted to do.” He turned me to look at him. His eyes softened. “Disgusted? Impossible. A liar? Never. Do you hear me? Fucking impossible. The exact opposite. I’m in awe of you, you fucking level me. I wish you could see yourself the way the rest of the world does. You have no idea how beautiful you are. Your smile is over the top. It doesn’t just light up a room—it sets the tone. You’re infectious, baby. Everyone you meet considers you a friend and turns to you in a second with their problems. You don’t have a judgmental bone in that sick little body. Disgusted? Holy fuck, Blue, you’re as close to perfect as they come. I am…”

Chase looked at me with a raw passion—vulnerability—like he could almost love me.

I stepped closer, begging to touch him. My hands found their way down his chest. His shirt separated our skin on skin, but even through the thin fabric, it was easy to feel every chiseled muscle. When I reached the area over his tattoo, he flinched and squeezed his eyes closed. He dropped his hands from my arms and snaked them into his pockets.

“You lived through the unthinkable and you’re nothing but pure sweet. You’re everything I’m not. I had to leave you, Lili.”

He reopened his eyes and the compassion and almost love I thought I saw vanished. Blank. What the fuck did I miss? His demeanor changed in a blink.

“I don’t know what you mean, Chase,” I snapped with confusion, wrinkling my brow.

“I’m not good enough for you, baby.” His voice was lamenting. My breath seized and tears welled in my eyes. “I’m just going to disappoint you over and over again. Just like this past week. I can’t make you happy forever. Trust me, if I thought for just a fucking millisecond that I could, I would die trying.” A single silent tear wet his face.

A chill passed through me. The trembling was involuntary.

“Chase, what are you doing? What are you saying?” I cried. “You aren’t making any sense.” I ran my hands along his cheeks, searching for the Chase from two minutes ago. Please. Where was he? “I ... I trust you, I trust you with everything. Every part of my being.” I wanted so much to say I love you that it hurt. But I didn’t. “You make me so happy.”



The moisture built in his eyes while mine poured. Silence. His strong hands palmed my cheeks and he brushed his lips against mine, soft and gentle, soothing and comforting. A goodbye kiss.

He stepped back, slowly capturing my watering eyes. “I can’t, Lili. I can’t be with you. I need you to leave.”

His words ripped my heart out of my chest. I was speechless. A rewind. I needed a rewind. No way he meant what he was saying. I knew he felt it. There was something else, something he wasn’t telling me. My gut was screaming it.

“I’ll call Pete, he will take you home.”

Desperate for him to hear me, really hear me, I lashed out. “No. No. Why are you doing this? We fit together and you know it. If you would just trust me, tell me your secrets. Truth, Chase. Please. Truth.”

But he said nothing. He didn’t think we were worth it. The storm inside me kept brewing.

“Why won’t you talk to me?” I screamed.

“I’m sorry, Lili. You should go.” Monotone and devoid of emotion, he repeated himself. Nothing more.

I wanted to slap some sense into him. I was back to swapping between anguish and fury. My tears abruptly stopped. I was pissed. “I’m not your sweet anymore, not as pure as you thought. Maybe you can find solace in your new case manager, the two of you looked awfully cozy this afternoon,” I hissed. “You know what, Chase? Fuck you!” I grabbed my bag and fled his apartment.

I stood in the pouring rain outside the Franklin Towers. The cool water dripping down my face and body did little to tame the flames radiating from my body. I hated the rain.

His black town car pulled to the curb. I hadn’t intended on getting in. Pete jumped out to open the back car door. “Ms. Porter, Dr. Colton insisted I find you and take you home.”

“I’m sure he did,” I hissed under my breath. I slid inside and slunk back into the seat.

“I assume you want to go home?”

“Can you take me to Walnut and Rittenhouse Square, please?” The clock on the dashboard read a little before ten.



“Sure thing.”

I needed Sierra. I had no one else. I sent her a quick text saying I was on my way over. Her response was instantaneous, of course.

That’s why you have a key, asspuck :)

I quietly snuck inside as she rounded the corner.