Beautifully Awake(23)

“Petit, are we starting anytime today? Let’s go.”

Obviously I was right. Chase was annoyed we were talking about music. What was it with him and music? When I ran into him by the river he wasn’t listening to anything either.

Sam turned to look at the anesthesiologist. “Um, Dr. Jennings, is the patient ready?”

I had been in enough surgeries to know at this point the anesthesiologist needed to deepen the patient’s sedation before they could start.

Sam gave me a small shrug and repeated an octave louder. “We’re ready to start. Is the patient ready?”

Dr. Jennings jumped from his chair. “Oh, um sure, wait, give me a minute.”

“What the hell, Carl?” Chase hissed. “You paying attention? I’m about to make the first incision and he’s not even asleep yet.”

I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. Thankfully the patient was not awake enough to hear.

“Yeah, Chase, go ahead, he’s out.”

“Give the blade to Dr. Petit, please, Carol.”

Carol was a scrub tech who worked exclusively with Dr. Colton. From what I could tell she was really good. She seemed to know which instrument to hand Chase before the words left his lips.



“Dr. Petit, here’s your blade,” Carol stated.

Sam’s hand trembled.

“Petit, make the incision,” Chase impatiently snapped.

Finally Sam steadied his hand and made the cut. His mask moved in such a way I could tell he was grinning. Chase took over instructing Sam here and there, asking him questions from time to time. This neurosurgery stuff was something my brain could not comprehend.

“Sam, fuck, what’d you hit?”

I sat up in my chair and my heart leaped into my throat. Chase’s tone was ... frightening.

“I need suction, fuck, Sam, give me the goddamn suction now.”

Sam fumbled as he tried to pass the suction to Chase. The tubing disconnected.

“Fuckin’ A, you’ve gotta be kidding me.” Blood sprayed everywhere. Chase was covered; Sam was soaked. The patient’s heart monitor beeped frantically with sounds that I knew I never wanted to hear. I was sick.

“Shit, Carl!” Nothing. “Carl! What the fuck! You over there, what the hell are you doing? You obviously aren’t fucking monitoring the patient. You better snap out of whatever the hell you’re doing ... hang some fucking blood, goddammit. Sam, step away from the table now—run, I mean run and get more blood.”

Sam stepped back and tore his bloody gown from his body and ran.

“Dr. Colton, here, here, I got the suction back up and running.” Carol calmly handed him the working suction.

“Blood’s being hung.” Dr. Jennings seemed back in the game.

“Lili, I want you out of here now!”

My legs were shaky. I paused to get my bearings.

“Fuck, Lili, I said now.”

I made a beeline for the swinging door. I ripped off my mask, gasping for air. I had never been in a situation so intense. Uncontrolled tears streamed down my face. I was glued to the window, watching the blood bath in front of me unfold. Chase barked orders as the nurses moved frantically around the room opening new supplies, making phone calls, all the while staring at the heart monitor watching the life in front of them slowly slip away. My heart was breaking. Time stopped. My eyes bounced from the meaningless numbers on the monitor to Chase and back. Carol examined the blood collecting in the suction container, and from what I could tell it seemed to be tapering off.



But Chase’s eyes told the true story. The fear and pure panic in his eyes moments ago now seemed to regress. I unfortunately knew that feeling all too well.

I remained frozen, unable to move if I wanted to. The breath I held finally released. I was emotionally and physically attached to this moment. I wanted to hold him. I needed to tell him that he singlehandedly saved his patient’s life.

Hours later, Chase finally stepped away from the table and ripped his bloody gown and mask from his body. Blood was splattered across his neck. He tipped his chin down to examine his chest. In one fluid motion his scrub top came to stop at his feet. Holy Crap.

Our eyes locked through the window, and within a moment, he was through the swinging door, slowly devouring me with his extremely emotional gaze. He paused a moment to wash the splattered blood from his face and neck before reaching for me. His gentle touch was surprising as our fingers entwined, edging me forward. I followed his pull, causing my mind and heart to equally race. We exited the scrub sink room with some urgency and made our way down the hall.

“Where are we going?” I was breathless.

He was silent, stopping at the first on-call room. Releasing my hand, he opened the door and flipped on the light. Why were we in this room?