Beautiful Boy(51)

"Yes!" I hadn't meant for it to come out so loudly, but the fight inside  wouldn't die. "It most certainly matters, Novah. If he's this way  because of some magical happy pills, then he really isn't happy, now is  he?"

"That's how you think of it? No … you've got it all wrong."

"If he were to stop taking them-"

"You don't even know if he is."

"If he is on medicine, and he stops taking it, then he would be just as  miserable as I am. So if you think about it like that … he's really no  different than me."

Novah leaned back in the seat and covered her face with her hands. I  couldn't decipher how she felt any more than I could understand my own  emotions. They seemed all over the place. I wasn't mad, angry, or upset.  I was simply lost.

And now, alone.

Alone because for the first time since Novah came back into my life, it seemed as though she didn't understand me at all.

"Have you tried medication?" Her question was so quiet I barely heard  her over the wipers and the rain. But the pain in her voice could've  been heard through a tornado.

"Once. But I didn't like it. I felt like it was a Band-Aid, and I wanted to fix the problem instead of just covering it up."

"It doesn't always work that way, Nolan."

"I know. But it doesn't hurt to try, right?"

She was quiet, and I worried what it meant. Fear burned so bright, so  hot inside my chest, I was sure it'd obliterate my heart, leaving me  with nothing left. If she walked away from me … I'd be nothing. I'd have  no reason to push forward. Novah was the only one on my side, helping me  get past this pain running through me, and without her, I'd never  survive.

"My issues have always stemmed from what happened between us. Going off  to war. That's what lives inside my head, and what causes me this agony  that follows me everywhere. With you, I've been able to work through it.  I'm not all the way there, but I feel like it's working. Especially  after yesterday. I think I have a better understanding of why I am like  this."

"After your display tonight, I don't think you understand anything,  Nolan. You think you do, but in reality, you have no idea." Instead of  saying anything else, she turned her head and stared out the window in  silence.

I waited for her to continue, hoping the longer I remained quiet, it  might push her to speak. But it didn't. The only sounds filling the car  were the windshield wipers and the rain pounding against the glass.

"How can you say that? I told you I realized how blaming myself for all  these years has affected me, and I've turned it around. I've learned a  lot since being with you. You even said you've noticed a change in me.  So why are you suddenly changing your mind now? Why are you going back  on that and saying I'm just as lost and confused as I was before?"

She turned her head to look at me. When I chanced a glance in her direction, I noticed the pain written all over her face.

And I died a little more inside.

"You have shown signs of improvement. I can tell you're overcoming a  lot. But I think … especially now …  you have yet to uncover the real  roadblock."

"What do you mean?"

"You say you're like this because you lost your leg. You use that as an  excuse all the time. You went after Mike tonight because of it. Yet no  one would even know if you didn't show or tell them. I had no idea you  walked around on a prosthetic leg until you dropped your pants in the  middle of my studio."

"That doesn't change the fact I have one."

"And you can't do anything about that. So why obsess over it? Why be so  distraught over having a prosthetic leg when no one sees it? Mike was  right when he said you're the one setting your own limitations. You talk  about how you can't get your leg wet. I did some research … did you know  they have waterproof legs available?"

I shook my head, not caring to hear what she had to say any longer. It  had begun to feel like a personal attack. Like her and Mike had teamed  up against me and I was left to defend myself. Yet I had no defense.

"You have it in your head your issues stem from our moment fifteen years  ago. That had it not happened, you never would've been sent off to war.  You never would've lost your leg. This morning you told me how blaming  yourself over what we shared way back then has kept you from moving  forward. If you want my opinion, Nolan, I don't think it's any of those  things."         

     



 

"What are you talking about? Of course it is."

"No, it's not. I think it's a safe bet to say the fuse had been lit long  before that. Whatever it was, something else started it. The war, the  leg, the recovery … those things amplified it. And then your inability to  forgive yourself has held you back. I'm not saying everything you've  been through hasn't been damaging. But I honestly believe had you not  experienced those things, something else would've set it off."

"Then what is it, Novah? Huh? If it wasn't watching people die or losing a valuable body part, what has me so fucked up?"

"I can't answer that." Her tiny voice was such a stark contrast to the  heated mood inside the car. The anger shrouding me seemed to have not  affected her in any way. "That's something you have to figure out. But  in order to do that, you have to stop blaming the other things. Stop  putting so much emphasis on your leg or on going to war."

I pulled the car into the parking garage and turned into my space. After  throwing the gearshift into park, I said, "I was a normal person before  that happened. So I'd have to disagree with your assumption."

Novah didn't respond. She didn't look at me or even acknowledge I was  there. She simply removed her seatbelt and then stepped out of the car.  Even as I met her around the back, she was cold and distant. I tried to  give her a hug, but all I got in return was a loose arm around my waist  before she turned and headed out of the garage to the visitors' parking  lot.

I watched as she walked out into the deluge of rain, moving farther and  farther away from me. Everything inside ached. My chest constricted to  the point I believed I'd had a thousand-ton brick crushing me. My head  pulsed and my eyes burned.

I didn't want her to walk away from me.

I needed her.

So I took off after her, not caring I'd get soaked in the process. Every  step, every time I called out her name in panic, she ignored me and  kept walking. I chased her down until we both reached her car.

I grabbed her arm and spun her around until we were chest to chest. Then  I held her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me, not giving her a  chance to get away. The rain pelted her face, but it didn't stop her  from keeping her eyes open and locked on mine.

"Don't give up on me, Novah. Please. Don't leave me. I need you." The  rain might've covered the tears on my face, but nothing could hide it  from my voice.

She finally took a deep breath and closed her eyes briefly. Her posture  seemed to relax against me, but I couldn't allow myself to believe this  was over.

"I'm not giving up on you, Nolan. I could never do that. But I also  can't sit back and watch you destroy yourself because you're too blind  to see the truth." Her voice went in and out as melancholy clogged every  word.

A sob wrenched itself from my chest just before my forehead fell to  hers. I hated myself for this. I hated myself because I couldn't fix  anything, and because of that, she had given up on me.

"I've done all I can for you. The rest is up to you, Nolan. Only you can  fight this battle. You really need to take a good look at your life and  figure out the root of it all, and then conquer it. You've already  begun to deal with everything else, but you'll never truly get over it  if you don't address the initial hurdle."

"I need you … " I cried, my eyes tightly shut.

"No you don't. I'm nothing more than a crutch for you. You have to do  this on your own. You have to stand on your own two feet and defend  yourself. I can't fight your battles for you."

"Please … "

"I love you, Nolan. That will never change. And I'll always be here. Whenever you need me, I'll be here."

The fight inside returned as I realized her words. I released my hold on  her and took a step back. "You're leaving me. You're giving up on me.  You said you weren't doing that. But you are."

Novah reached out and grabbed the front of my shirt, pulling herself  against me. "I'm not going anywhere. And I'm certainly not giving up on  you. But I can't continue to be your cheerleader if you won't get off  the bench and get in the game. I can't do this for you. You have to be  the one. Only you can figure out the true reason you've locked yourself  up so tight in your own head."

I wanted to walk away.

I wanted to kiss her.

I wanted to yell at her.

I wanted to grab her and hold tight.

But instead of doing any of those things, I only stood there and stared  into her eyes, the ones that had always reminded me of the ocean. Except  instead of calm waters, they were raging, threatening to take me down.