Beautiful Boy(50)

Chatter and noises went on around us, but nothing other than complete  silence filled our table. We all seemed to hold our breath, waiting for  Nolan's response.

"You act like you're not damaged," Nolan finally said, his words so full  of dark emotion it made my chin quiver as the familiar burn of tears  struck my eyes. You could feel the pain in each word he spoke.

I glanced over at Shari and noticed the same expression on her face. Her  eyes were lined with unshed tears as she, too, watched Nolan start to  crumble in front of us.

And for the first time, I witnessed Mike become angry. He didn't yell or  cause a scene, but he made sure Nolan knew how he felt with his  hardened tone and precise words.

"I act that way because I'm not damaged, Nolan. That's what I'm trying  to tell you. I don't care what you or anyone else thinks of me. I don't  care if someone looks at me and sees a legless man. Or if you think I'm  delusional because I laugh or smile. I know the truth. I know how I  feel. I'm not out of touch with myself. I know I have bad days,  nightmares, and times I'm too hard on myself, but I don't let it get me  down. I've seen death … I've seen men go home in boxes, leaving their  family to grieve their loss. I'm thankful for the life I have-the second  chance I've been given. And I refuse to waste it. I will not take it  for granted."

Nolan turned his attention to Shari. With not an ounce of aggression in  his tone, he asked, "Does it bother you at all that he can't fuck you  like a real man could?"

"Enough, Nolan." I wanted him to stop this attack. It had become  personal by his last question. I knew he didn't ask because he was  interested in our friends' sex life. It had to do with me, and needing  insight from someone else about how I must feel being with him. It  didn't matter I'd already given him this answer, because what I said  would never pacify him. It would always be a concern in his mind.

"It's okay, Novah." She stared right at Nolan and answered his question  with soft, sympathetic words. "Everyone has limitations in the bedroom,  even people with both legs. But regardless of any restrictions someone  might have, it doesn't mean they can't please another. I know you didn't  ask because you're curious about what happens between us behind closed  doors, but I'll tell you anyway. I've never been more taken care of or  felt more adored than I have with Mike. There hasn't been another man  who has ever made me feel the way he does, and"-she turned to look at  Mike-"there isn't anyone else on this planet I'd rather be with."

Nolan excused himself from the table and headed in the direction of the  bathrooms. I became extremely uncomfortable and didn't know what to do. I  wanted to go after him, but I knew he needed a moment alone. I also  didn't think it would be right to leave my friends.

"Go, Novah. He needs you, and if he says he doesn't, it's only a matter  of time before he will. We've got the check, so don't worry about it.  Take care of him." Mike offered me a gentle smile, but I could tell it  was forced. Nolan's actions seemed to put a damper on everyone's moods.

I thanked them both and then I headed in the direction Nolan had gone, hoping he hadn't reconstructed his wall again.





Twenty





Thoughts churned in my mind until the room began to spin around me. I  had to get out of here. I had to leave. But I needed to get my head  straight first, so I went to the bathroom, hoping a break from the table  would help.

I stared at my reflection and wondered why I'd said any of the things I  did-to Mike and to Shari. They didn't deserve the way it had come out,  and I knew that. But no matter how hard I'd tried to keep it in, I  couldn't.

I hadn't been angry with either of them. That wasn't the intention of my  questions. If anything, I was jealous. I sat there and watched him  smile, heard him laugh at the appropriate moments, cracking jokes as if  he were the happiest man on earth. I wasn't incapable of finding humor  around me, but I simply couldn't comprehend what he found to be so  fucking funny. Even as he ordered his food he had a smile on his face.  And all I could think about was, what's so funny about ordering your  steak rare?         

     



 

I'd known Mike since moving back. I'd met him at one of the support  group meetings I'd attended when first getting into town. I'd promised  my counselor I'd go, so I kept my word and went to a few before giving  up. Mike was one of the few people I kept in contact with-even though we  hadn't really talked other than when I'd asked him to pose for Novah.

One of the first things I'd noticed about Mike was his enthusiasm. I  never understood it. Here was this man who'd lost not one but two legs,  yet he acted as if he'd never lost a damn thing in his entire life. I  thought for sure it was nothing but a front he put up around other vets,  wanting us to believe he was okay and didn't struggle. It wasn't out of  the realm of possibility.

However, being around him tonight made me question my theory. It made me  wonder just how happy he genuinely was. And more importantly, why I  couldn't seem to find that for myself.

I hadn't meant to attack him, or his relationship with Shari. And I  certainly didn't intend to question their sex life. It had only been my  desperate attempt to find out what I had been doing wrong-why I couldn't  be more like him.

Novah had helped me work through a lot over the short time we'd been  together, but comparing myself to Mike only left me feeling more  inadequate than I already did. My quest to find answers had come out all  wrong, and the deeper I dug, the worse I felt about everything.

I'd embarrassed myself, and more than likely I'd pissed Novah off. I  knew I had to go back out there and face the destruction I'd left in my  wake, but I didn't have the courage to do it. Just the thought of facing  them twisted my stomach and forced bile to rise, the acids burning my  esophagus.

After staring at my reflection for far too long, I finally managed to  tuck my tail between my legs and leave the restroom. Yet I never made it  back to the table, because I found Novah waiting for me at the end of  the hallway. She barely glanced at me before leading the way through the  restaurant to the front door.

It would be a long drive home.

After enduring her silence for so long, it surprised me when she decided  to speak up not long after we pulled away from the building.

"Care to enlighten me about what happened back there? Everything seemed  to be going well all day, so I'm a little baffled where that came from?"

It suddenly began to sprinkle, which only served to dim my mood further.  I couldn't answer her, mostly because I didn't fully understand it  myself. I didn't see how I could possibly explain it.

"I thought you and Mike were friends …  Why would you attack him like  that? And what was the point in asking Shari about their sex life?"

The rain began to come down harder, forcing me to turn on the wipers in  order to see. It provided me enough of a distraction from her questions.

"Nolan!" She slapped her hand against the dashboard in front of her.  "What the hell happened? Huh? You just told me this morning about your  breakthrough. We've spent all day together, and not once did you show  any signs of aggression or some sort of hint at a nearing downward  spiral. I am so lost at what I witnessed back there."

"It doesn't matter."

"Like hell it doesn't! You verbally attacked our friends-my friends!"

I gripped the steering wheel hard, painfully wrapping my fingers around  the leather. My teeth gritted together and my jaw ached. I didn't want  to lash out at her. She didn't deserve it. Hell, Mike and Shari hadn't,  either. But I seemed to be having a hard time expressing myself.

I tried to relax as much as possible so my words wouldn't come out hard  and cold. "I told you, Novah …  I can't promise I won't have hiccups along  the way. Just because I had an epiphany last night doesn't mean I'm  magically cured and will never have moments of uncertainty again."

"Moments of uncertainty?" she practically screeched as she turned in her  seat to face me. "Listen, Nolan, I know this can't be easy for you, but  I'm sure you know the difference between having a moment and going  after good people for no reason."

I figured she wouldn't understand, but I tried anyway. "He's so fucking  happy all the damn time. I don't get it. It doesn't make any sense to  me."

"And it will never make sense if you continue to live this way." Her  voice lowered to a more sympathetic tone as she placed her hand over my  arm in a show of comfort. "Mike was right, you know. You're never going  to be happy if you don't allow yourself to be. You're the only one  standing in the way. I can only do so much to show you what you should  be thankful and happy for."         

     



 

"Do you think he takes pills?"

She was quiet for a moment, and in those seconds of silence, I wished I  hadn't said anything at all. "Maybe. But should it really matter?"