Bear the Burn(25)

“Unintentionally. After me and my brothers served, we came back with a special set of skills. Combine that with our healing and shifter strength, and Krueger recruited us for missions we were made to believe were for protecting the public. A couple of weeks back, though, Cody and I went on a mission with a target that didn’t feel right, and we found out we’d been hunting shifters the whole time. Putting innocent marks down, thinking we were still serving our country. And yeah, we didn’t have much choice in it. Krueger threatened the crew’s cubs, Gage’s mate, Ma, Rory. It doesn’t change that we were the ones who pulled the trigger time and time again. I don’t think the government meant for Krueger to take the liberties he did with us. I think he did things on the sly, and they lost control of him. At least, that’s what I hope. Cody wanted to come out because we went to war with IESA a couple of weeks back, and now the woman who hurt you, Shayna, is rebuilding it from the ground up.” He cast her a quick glance. “As you can imagine, we aren’t thrilled about going back to the way it was. Krueger wasn’t going to stop until we were all dead, and now Shayna is just as vindictive.”

“Holy moly,” Quinn said on a breath, facing forward again. “How many people did you have to kill?”

Dade shook his head tightly. “I can’t, Quinn. I’m haunted enough without recalling my ghosts.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I won’t ask about that anymore, but if you want to talk about it, I won’t run.”

“You would. If you knew the real me, you wouldn’t be able to stomach being in the same room.”

His words filled her with a numbing sadness. How could he say that? He’d sacrificed so much at the hands of horrid people, and he was still standing. Sure, he’d done awful things to survive, but he hadn’t chosen to. He hadn’t known his marks weren’t a threat. He’d been lied to and manipulated, and now those lost lives were gashes on his soul, lined up so he could feel the eternal pain of each target he’d taken. She hated Krueger. Hated IESA. Hated Shayna. “It’s not fair.”

“Life isn’t fair.”

She bit her thumbnail and looked out the window. “Despise yourself all you want to, Dade. I saw you cradling your dog last week while he got his shots. I saw the pity in your eyes when I was crying on the floor. I heard Monroe talk about all the people you’ve saved fighting fires. I’m alive right now because you were cool with putting your entire crew at risk to save me. Everyone has dark places in them, myself included. It matters what you do to keep those shadows small. Try to convince yourself all you want to that you’re too damaged for me to accept.” She swung her gaze to him. “I’m still proud that you’re mine.”

He took his eyes off the fork in the dirt road once, then twice, his eyes steady on her, as if he was waiting for her to take it back. “You aren’t thinking right. It’s been a long day and a lot has happened—”

“Why are you trying to convince me of what I can and can’t accept, Dade? Is this your way of trying to chase me off of anything real with you?”

“No,” he said, shaking his head for emphasis. “That’s not what I want. I just want you to go into this with your eyes wide open.” He pulled to a stop in front of a dark cabin and turned to face her. “This is a shock to me, as well. You asked what being mated feels like to me, and it scares the shit out of me, Quinn. Truly. I’ve lived all this time responsible for myself and for my crew, and that’s it. Chasing a bond wasn’t something that ever crossed my mind.”

“You’ve been with other women. A man like you…” She frowned. “I know you’ve had relationships with other women.”

“No, I’ve had sex with women. Empty sex. I haven’t ever stayed until breakfast, and now I feel like I want to pledge my entire life to you. It has my head all messed up.”

“I’ve only been with Jay.”

Dade went rigid, equal parts horror and confusion in his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I’ve only slept with Jay, and the first time wasn’t until our wedding night. Not for any reason other than we wanted to wait and make it special.”

“More proof,” Dade said in a hoarse voice, “that I’m a terrible match for you.”

“You should’ve worked through that before you made me care for you!” Quinn flung the words at him, then slid from his pickup and climbed the porch stairs. Chin lifted high, she waited at the front door for him to let her in.