Barely Breathing (The Breathing #2)(126)

"Are you worried?" he asked, reading my tense expression.

"I have some explaining to do," I sighed.

"With Rachel? She won't even be home."

"No. With Evan," I explained glumly. "He's probably been freaking out all day since I didn't show up at school."

"Oh," Jonathan pursed his lips and nodded. "What are you going to say?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. "The truth I guess."

"And he'll be okay with that? That you spent the day with me?" Jonathan appeared shocked.

"Why wouldn't he?" I responded, not at all concerned. "He trusts me, and it's not like you and I have a history or anything. I mean, we're... friends."

"Yeah," Jonathan smirked. "You're right. I guess I probably wouldn't be as okay with it if I were him. But I don't trust very easily either."

His last sentence echoed through my head, and it all suddenly became clear. "You have a hard time getting close to people, don't you?"

"Yeah," Jonathan answered, contemplating my question, "I suppose I do. No one really gets me, and I guess I'm afraid―" He froze. I waited for him to say it, knowing it was on the tip of his tongue. His stunned eyes slowly turned to stone and his jaw tightened. He wasn't going to say it.

Jonathan stood up and tossed his sundae in the trash before striding toward the motorcycle parked on the far end of the lot.

"Jonathan!" I called after him, but he didn't slow down. I threw my ice cream away and ran after him. "Jonathan!"

I caught up with him and grabbed his arm. "Jonathan, stop."

"We should get you back so you're not late," he said dryly.

"Look at me," I coaxed, still holding his arm as he kept his back to me. "Come on, please."

He took a deep breath and turned toward me with his eyes to the ground.



       
         
       
        

"You can tell me," I comforted. "Jonathan, what is it? What are you afraid of?"

"You know what I'm afraid of," he countered defensively.

"Did you?" I questioned in return. "I mean before now, did you know that's what it was?"

Jonathan raised his eyes to meet mine. They were soft again, but edged with pain. He shook his head. I realized my hand was still on his arm and I slid it down to his hand and squeezed it gently. He looked down at the gesture and smiled faintly before I let go.

Instead of stopping at the bike like I thought he would, he continued to the wooden fence that lined the parking lot and leaned against the top beam.

"It makes sense," he murmured, resting his hands on the wood on either side of him. "I mean, I haven't been in a real relationship since Sadie, not until Rachel―and that wasn't supposed to happen the way it did. I mean, it was never supposed to be a relationship. That's probably why we couldn't stay together after she told me she loved me. I couldn't do it."

"You didn't love her?"

He shook his head, lowering his eyes.

"What happened with Sadie?" I inquired cautiously.

Jonathan didn't raise his head. "I proposed to her toward the end of our junior year at Penn State."

My heart skipped a beat, not expecting this revelation. "She said no?" I probed when he stalled for a moment.

"She said yes." His dark eyes rose to find mine. The sadness trapped in them captured my breath. "Two weeks later, I walked in on her and another guy."

I didn't know what to say. But it was all making sense, the reason he couldn't get close to any one, and his need for a simple and predictable life. He feared loving someone and being hurt again. It explained the impenetrable confident façade that kept him at a distance.

"I lost my mother and brother. Sadie was the only one who knew how much it destroyed me. And after what she did to me …  I never let anyone else in. I've never trusted anyone to get that close. Well, except..." Then he looked at me, and my cheeks reddened. "I mean, it's different," he corrected quickly, "You and I have this weird connection, it's not like..." He didn't finish.

"Of course," I finished for him, nodding adamantly. "We get each other. That's all."

"Right," he agreed with a crooked smile. "Well, it looks like we are pretty pathetic after all. We spent a gorgeous day dwelling on unconquerable fears. You're never going to want to do something with me again."

"Sure I will," I laughed. "As long as you don't try to cure me again."

"Done," he smiled in return. "Wait. Will the school call Rachel about where you were today? I don't want to make things worse for you with her. I know how she can be."